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David Balzarini
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message 1: by David (new)

David Balzarini (discretion) | 29 comments Hello all. I could use your thoughts on this. No wrong answers.

Marshall Lisser is a twenty-eight year old aspiring musician living the high life in his parents basement while entertaining dreams of rock and roll stardom. With his band Afterlife, he learns that the path to stardom is paved with fast talking managers, greedy record execs and idle band mates. To turn his fortunes around, he plans to meet a legendary producer at a risqué black tie party–except his best laid plans change when he meets stunner Silvia Sorenstam, body-painted as a white rabbit. Fittingly, ‘Alice’ as Marshall is known by friends, falls for Silvia’s beauty and her mysterious intrigue. When he maroons Afterlife for his new girl, the band plays a sour note. Marshall wants nothing more than to make it as a musician, but his new girl has her own ideas about Marshall’s future, starting with her own sordid past which she expects Marshall to fix. Or take the plunge


message 2: by L.W. (new)

L.W. Tichy (lwtichy) | 19 comments Hi, this sounds interesting, and the beginning definitely made me want to find out more, though there are a few things that threw me off when I read through it.
-The line "Fittingly, 'Alice' as marshal is known by his friends" doesn't seem to fit there, it kinda throws off the pacing. You might want to introduce it in the first line like "Marshal 'Alice' Lisser" or "Marshal Lisser better known as Alice by his friends is a..." Then later on if you just say "Alice falls for silivia's..." Or "Alice falls for the white rabbit's..." the irony of his nickname is still striking without breaking the flow.

-I love the line "When he maroons Afterlife for his new girl" but, at least to me, "the band plays a sour note" seems a little anticlimactic in comparison.

- The last thing that threw me off were the last two sentences. When I read them I don't know whether she is the bad guy or just a difficult girl, and since I'm not sure which she is, it makes me want to read it a little less because I don't know what I'm really committing to, if that makes sense. If she is the antagonist, you might want to make those lines a bit more sinister. If she is a legit love interest but she's complicated, then that needs to be clearer. And I'm not really sure what you mean by "or take the plunge." Or suggest a contrast or an alternative, and I don't see how that is an alternative to fixing her past, it seems more like an extension.

Overall though, it definitely has my interest. And everything up to "Fittingly Alice" makes me really want to read it.

I hope that was helpful. Good luck!


message 3: by Jonathan (new)

Jonathan Face (jonathanface) | 2 comments It piqued my interest. Just two things:

"Marshall Lisser is a twenty-eight year old aspiring musician living the high life in his parents basement while entertaining dreams of rock and roll stardom."

Is "high life" meant sarcastically? I didn't get it.

2. I think "fast talking" should be hyphenated.


message 4: by David (new)

David Balzarini (discretion) | 29 comments High life is sarcasm.

Not a bad idea to hyphenate. Thanks for that.


message 5: by David (new)

David Balzarini (discretion) | 29 comments L.W. wrote: "Hi, this sounds interesting, and the beginning definitely made me want to find out more, though there are a few things that threw me off when I read through it.
-The line "Fittingly, 'Alice' as ma..."


Quite helpful. Thanks.


message 6: by Michele (new)

Michele | 11 comments I agree with L.W. when she said everything up to "Alice" is interesting and makes me want to read the story. I think you could probably just let the readers discover his nickname in the book, because it doesn't really add anything to the blurb.

After that it seems to send mixed messages. He wants nothing more than to make it as a musician, and yet he ditches his band for a girl he just met? I'm sure it makes more sense in the context of the story, but I found it confusing here. I would cut that sentence entirely, so it read something like this:

"Fittingly, Marshall falls for Silvia’s beauty and mysterious intrigue, but while he wants nothing more than to make it as a musician, this new girl has her own ideas about Marshall’s future."

No it doesn't tell the reader as much, but leaving the ending open like that creates a bit of mystery that could entice people to read the book just to find out what this girl's deal is.


message 7: by David (new)

David Balzarini (discretion) | 29 comments Here is an update. Thanks for your help thus far clan.


Marshall 'Alice' Lisser is a twenty-eight year old aspiring musician living in his parents basement while entertaining dreams of rock and roll stardom. With his band Afterlife, he learns that the path to stardom is paved with fast-talking managers, greedy record execs and idle band mates. To turn his fortunes around, he plans to meet a legendary producer at a risqué costume party–except his best laid plans change when he meets stunner Silvia Sorenstam, body-painted as a white rabbit. Alice falls for Silvia’s mysterious intrigue, maroons Afterlife and expects happily ever after to begin. Except he doesn't know what Silvia has in mind for his future. Or the predators his white rabbit is running from.


message 8: by Michele (new)

Michele | 11 comments Much better! That's a blurb that would make me want to read the book (it does, actually). The only other suggestion I can make is to correct the punctuation. Otherwise gg


message 9: by David (new)

David Balzarini (discretion) | 29 comments Thanks. Any tweaks or other suggestions are welcome.


message 10: by Angela (new)

Angela Joseph | 132 comments Fittingly, ‘Alice’ as Marshall is known by friends, falls for Silvia’s beauty and her mysterious intrigue. When he maroons Afterlife for his new girl, the band plays a sour note. Marshall wants nothing more than to make it as a musician, but his new girl has her own ideas about Marshall’s future, starting with her own sordid past which she expects Marshall to fix. Or take the plunge

Everything up to this point is okay. You don't need, "fittingly." You should limit adverbs and you explain why he's called Alice in the lines that follow. I cut a lot of words and this is what I came up with.

‘Alice,’ as Marshall is known by his friends, is intrigued by Silvia’s beauty and mystery. When he maroons Afterlife for his new girl, the band flounders. Should Marshall abandon his dreams of becoming a musician in order to help his new girl fix her sordid past?

Hope this helps.


message 11: by David (new)

David Balzarini (discretion) | 29 comments I like it Angela. Thanks.


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