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fanfiction critiques > gee | true lives of the fabulous killjoys | (without you) how i disappear

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message 1: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) Based on the True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, a comic written by Gerard Way, and the corresponding music videos (Na Na Na and Sing) from his band My Chemical Romance. Honestly what I'd be looking for here is more of a critique of the writing style, not the content, since it's a smaller fandom and stuff.

Follows the grief my main character (Show Pony) goes through after the death of his boyfriend as well as containing "flashback" scenes detailing the start of their relationship until the day before his death. I've nicknamed it Sad Fic, and from what my friends have said, this is an apt nickname.

I will be posting it split into already-existing sections — "now": after the boyfriend's death, and "before": the aforementioned flashback scenes. When I'm done with the current chapter, I will post in the beta reader section for one.

message 2: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) [this is the first section. again, im looking for critique of writing style, not content. you dont have to understand the world to get the basic concept here. also this is already up on ao3 so i just want some unbiased opinions]

He was dead.

That was the only thing Pony could say for sure, that he was dead, sprawled out on the hood of his own car like some kind of angel. Pony didn’t see it happen, the van had pulled up a second too late, but he saw enough. Even as he lept out of the van, pushing the Girl towards the open door and shooting at anything clad in white, he couldn’t keep his eyes off the body. It was a good thing he was wearing his helmet.

He climbed back into the van a minute later, shutting the door behind him and slumping into one of the few seats, letting out a breath. The van pulled forward with a lurch that sent the Girl stumbling forward - why wasn’t she sitting down? - into Pony’s leg. He blinked at her for a moment, not that she could tell under his helmet, and pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around her. He couldn’t let her get hurt. Not now. She squirmed in his grasp, trying to get down. He knew what she was doing, but he just held her tighter. “Let me down,” she gasped, “We can’t leave them!”

She looked up at Pony, expecting an answer he didn’t want to give, her brown eyes wide and oh god are those tears? no no please don’t cry. He pushed her hair out of her face, not that it did much to stop the wild curls, and said, “There’s nothing we can do...”

“No!” she screamed, pounding at his chest. She was crying now, and Pony didn’t know what to do about it. He wasn’t the best with kids, at least not when they were like this. He knew he couldn’t let her go, she would just try to jump out of the van and get herself run over or something, but he didn’t know what he could do with her here either. So he did all he could think of, and let her cry.

Pony didn’t let himself fall apart until they were back, until he’d passed the Girl off to Dr. D and shed his jacket and disappeared into their room - no, it was just his now, there was no one to share it with anymore. And that thought was the one that broke him. He flopped down onto their his bed, throwing his helmet into the corner of the room, and cried.

message 3: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) Tbh, I think a lot of this is my personal style choice! But yeah, I se what you mean (and is lept really a typo? Google docs never corrected it and that's the way I was taught it).

message 4: by Willa (new)

Willa Valentine (paper.seas) (paperseas) I think that it's good, but it just needs better word choice in some areas.

message 5: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) No, it's good advice cinnamon, it's just those fixes aren't my style and it'd be weird for me!

Thanks Willa! Like where?

And tbh I feel like this section and the next are the best in the whole thing and that's kinda sad.

message 6: by Willa (new)

Willa Valentine (paper.seas) (paperseas) It just might be good to include more than just the character's thoughts -- smells, noises, etc.

message 7: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) Oooh, yeah you're right. Darn it.

message 8: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) [the next part! one of the flashback scenes. since im on mobile, i cant format correctly, so words bracketed by /these/ are meant to be italicized]

When they first met, Pony hated him.

Maybe ‘hated’ wasn’t the right word. Pony didn’t want to like him. There wasn’t any reason for it, but he did. There was no reason he /shouldn’t/ like him, there was nothing wrong with him or anything. Pony was just tired of people. People and their noseyness and loudness and literally everything about them just pissed him off. Most people knew to leave him alone, in fact some of them just avoided him. If he was honest, that irked him too. And someone new showing up meant one more person to avoid him and treat him like he would explode at any moment. He hated it.

So it was understandable when he thought the new guy would be like that too - he was friends with Ghoul, after all, and while Ghoul meant well, they could be downright annoying on the best of days.

Pony was greatly surprised when he actually got to /know/ the “new guy” (he had a name, Pony refused to use it). He was...nice. And not the overly nice kind of niceness Pony had gotten used to from the others, he was genuinely kind. It wasn’t because he felt like he had to or because he didn’t want people to dislike him. He just...

He was nice.

And what was different, what /really/ caught Pony off-guard, was that his niceness extended to Pony.

The first time he turned to Pony with a smile and said, “What do you think?” about something that Pony couldn’t even remember, Pony blinked for a minute and said, “What?”

And he didn’t stop either. It was /weird/. No one had been this genuinely interested in what he thought, what he had to say, in so long that it almost scared him at first.

Another thing that scared him was that he liked it.

message 9: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) [next portion. back to the present]

It didn’t really register that he was dead until a couple days later, when Pony turned to talk to him, to say something about the Girl, or to comment on one of the Doc’s music choices, and he was startled to find him not by his side. He stopped, his brain not quite caught up with his eyes, until it finally did register and he felt the tears coming again. He stopped them this time though, blinking them away before they could fall. He didn’t want anyone to notice, not this time.

He could tell they were acting different, and part of it was because of the Girl; she was so young and they didn’t know if she understood what was going on (Pony was pretty sure she did understand, she was smarter than they thought she was), but part of the reason was him. He wasn’t stupid. He knew they didn’t want to upset him further, but they should really know by now that treating him like glass wasn’t going to make him feel any better. It almost made it worse.

Nothing could stop him feeling bad because Jet was- he was gone, and they couldn’t do anything about it. Not that Pony didn’t want to. He wanted so much to march back into that building and-

Well. He didn’t really know what he would do. Something, though. He would definitely do something.

Instead of thinking about it more, he left the room entirely. He needed an escape, and the desert was perfect for that. He didn’t go far, just far enough that he wouldn’t be bothered. The sad part of living in the desert was that there wasn’t really any place for him to hide without someone finding him eventually. But he would be alone for a while.

He huddled on the ground, drawing his knees up to his chest and burying his face in them. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Jet was supposed to live, to come back with the Girl and the others, and they were supposed to be happy. Together.

message 10: by Ema (new)

Ema (gee-fiera) [part 4. back to the past. once again, words bracketed by /these/ are supposed to be in italics. important things to know: pony uses roller skates to get around, and he delivers the mail.]

Pony knew he should get up, but there was no point.

Sand had clogged up his skates (stupid, really, just stupid), and he’d sat down to clean them but didn’t really want to so now he was just laying on the ground on the side of the road. Not his brightest idea, but no one ever said he was smart. Besides, it was almost comfortable down here. The sand was actually pretty comfortable, once you got over how incredibly hot it was, and if he closed his eyes he could try to ignore the sun. Really, it wasn’t that bad.

Of course his peace didn’t last. It never did.

At first he thought the car would just drive past him. Hopefully the driver wouldn’t even see him. But then he heard it slowing down - and he was too lazy, or too tired, or too /something/ to look up and see who it was - until it finally stopped. Pony groaned a little, but still didn’t move. Moving was overrated, he decided.

“Um. What are you doing?”

Great. It had to be him. Pony couldn’t really call him the new guy anymore, he’d been out here long enough, but he still didn’t want to use his name (it was a ridiculous name anyway. Not that Pony’s own wasn’t, but saying /Jet Star/ just sounded weird). Pony still didn’t move, hoping he’d /just go away/. But no, he had to get out of the stupid car and walk over. Where had all Pony’s luck gone?

Oh right. He never had any in the first place.

“Hey, are you all right?”

Pony sighed. “No. Go away.”

“How about I don’t?”

Pony groaned again and pushed himself up so he was sitting. He blinked a few times - had it been that bright out earlier? - and glared up at him. Another question - why was he so tall? “Please.”

He shook his head, sitting down a few feet away. “Don’t really want to.”

Now that was something he couldn’t believe. No one actually /wanted/ to spend longer than ten minutes with him, not really. It just wasn’t a thing people did. He knew most couldn’t stand being around for that long anyway. Pony narrowed his eyes at him, staring him down in an attempt to figure out just what he wanted, anyway. He just sat there, returning Pony’s stare, but it didn’t seem like it was for the same purpose.

After a long couple of minutes, he smiled, “Well?”

Pony glared. “Well what?”

“I’ll give you a ride. To wherever.” He shrugged, and Pony’s stare became more incredulous than searching.

“/What/?” He wasn’t serious. He couldn’t be serious. There was no way he could be serious about that. But then, he was still sitting there. Most people would have gotten up and left by now, annoyed by him. But he was still there. That was enough to at least give him a chance. At least. He sighed. “Fine. Thanks.”

Jet Star stood up, holding out a hand to help Pony. “No problem. You look like you need it. A ride, I mean.”

He took the hand offered, allowing Jet to pull him up. “Yeah. Thanks.”

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