Creative Writing discussion

original critiques > kaya | footprints in the dust

Comments Showing 1-6 of 6 (6 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by kaya (new)

kaya (ananats) | 39 comments
The human population of the Earth live beneath the waves, safe from the harsh atmosphere above. Only the Birds - soldiers who fly on wings - know what it looks like.
Until one finds traces of another human, one who stands on the land and leaves footprints in the dust.

Tamlyn isn't an athlete. She isn't a superhuman. She isn't even wearing shoes. Yet somehow, she's managed to evade the Birds as they soar over the barren deserts. Tam doesn't want to be up here, where the sky is as red as the swelling sun and a haze hangs over the land. But when she comes across the strangest sight - trees - she realises that she's just found something the government would kill for.

message 2: by kaya (last edited Jun 10, 2016 11:49PM) (new)

kaya (ananats) | 39 comments
coral reef ; chapter one

WHEN I was fourteen, my entire world was turned upside down by one fatal mistake.

      I saw the surface.

From that day forward, nobody in the entirety of the Reef was allowed outside. The Council weren't fools — they knew that stories about the surface would circulate around the entire community, and then the more reckless teens would dare each other to swim up to the surface.

They said that it was toxic, that breathing the air up there would kill us. They claimed that there was nothing up there worth living for anymore.

      They were liars.

I never forgot that moment, when I first poked my head above the surface. The sky was a beautiful, vivid blue, bright orange at the horizon. I knew, somehow, deep within me, that this extraordinary event was a sunset.

      It was magical.

message 3: by Willa (new)

Willa Valentine (paper.seas) (paperseas) I love it! The only part that confused me was that third paragraph. Did she get caught seeing above? Had they been allowed above before?
This kind of reminds me of the book Atlantia, too.

message 4: by kaya (new)

kaya (ananats) | 39 comments I think that I'll probably go into more detail about that through flashbacks or similar.

message 5: by kaya (last edited Jun 17, 2016 01:57PM) (new)

kaya (ananats) | 39 comments
coral reef [ before ] ; chapter two

It was a custom on the Reef that we would go out into the water to swim, as exercise. The Council didn't trust us, though, and so we were always accompanied by half a dozen guards. The boys played stupid games, seeing who could get the furthest away before the guards noticed. Us girls preferred to stay closer to the Reef, where there was no danger. It wasn't that we were cowards — no matter how much the boys would accuse us of that — but that we had no interest in exploring the waters. We were content with our lives, which, I suppose, is why the incident managed to happen in the first place.

The guards didn't expect us to go anywhere, so they didn't bother keeping an eye on us. So the day that we got into a massive fight, they didn't notice.

I was being choked by one of the other girls, who was accusing me of something absurd like stealing her boyfriend. Human instincts from back when we lived on the surface kicked in, and I wrested myself free. I swam to the surface, gasping in lungfuls of air to replace what I'd lost.

      They didn't blame me. I never saw that girl again.

message 6: by kaya (last edited Jun 17, 2016 02:02PM) (new)

kaya (ananats) | 39 comments
sandy beach ; unfinished ; commenting welcome

I broke out of the Reef seven days after I'd seen the surface. It wasn't hard — I just went out claiming I was getting 'exercise'. But the moment I was outside, I swam for the surface as fast as I could. They never saw it coming, just like I never saw the Birds.

The Birds were soldiers, carrying huge guns. They wore wings, and their sole task was to eliminate any humans that reached the surface, lest we discover the truth.

But you might think that since I never saw them coming they got me. Actually, they didn't come at all.

back to top