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message 1: by Aglaea (new)

Aglaea | 987 comments Apparently I'll go first again :) I can only speak for myself, though!

I wish for 50/50 in regards to household work. It should be negotiated so that I don't do my most detested chores, and same for him.
I wish for a mutually agreed financial strategy.
Child upbringing should also be agreed upon before having kids.
He shouldn't be intimidated by my career, and vice versa.

The more practical matters are dealt with "once and for all", the less opportunities for nagging and other grossness there will be.

He could cook, I'll make dessert.

We should be equally adventurous in bed. He should be open to, hrm well here goes, explore BDSM.

He should be able to talk about feelings at least sometimes, and hopefully remind me of his heart's thoughts from time to time, too. Dates, everyday romance.

Honesty, commitment, loyalty. I'm "high maintenance" in emotional matters and stuff related to brain stimulation, but not in materialistic aspects.

message 2: by Sandy Bergeson (new)

Sandy Bergeson As one of the older members of this group I probably bring a different perspective to it all...but then again, perhaps not. Love is universal. Power is universal. How we handle it is personal. Where age comes into it is when we realize that both parties have been raised in an era...whatever that era might be, that helped define our expectations from each other.

Men in my age group (I am 70 this summer) tend to have a completely different expectation of women than men in their 40's for example. And believe me when I tell you that times are actually changing men and their attitudes towards women. 40 year old men tend to "get me" waaaay more than 70 year old men do.

That said, I do not need the male version of me, which is funny because I often hear women describe themselves when trying to describe what they are looking for. I think that if we were too much the same, we would loose some of that spark that comes from healthy debate and viewpoints. But he does need to be "me" when it comes to the really important matters...ie race, gender, sex and now sadly politics (because American political parties have gotten involved so heavily into the control of women's bodies).

I have to respect his opinion enough that when he tells me I might be wrong about something, I can step back and listen to him and then make my next move. And he must be strong enough to say the important things when they need to be said. I am a very strong person...I need equal strength (and of course I don't mean physical).

I want him to have looked at his own life as much as I have. I will never again enable someone else by taking on his emotional needs as my own so that I am carrying his pain as well as mine. Don't misunderstand that statement. That does not mean that I would not be there for him in time of pain and help him through it. I just won't own his pain myself so that he doesn't have to feel it. I want us each to understand what it means to "hold space"...

He doesn't have to be perfect by any means but he has to be willing to say "Oops, sorry, that was an old pattern. I'll try not to do that again." Just as I would..But that, of course means having done some personal work to understand his own patterns.

Our arguments need to be respectful...free of attack and humiliation. I find emotional and intellectual depth to be very sexy. The foreplay starts at 5 in the afternoon, not when we crawl into bed.

Assigned roles should be based on each of our abilities not on our gender. I do what works for me. He does what works for him. And we both share what we can share...which includes the stuff that neither of us wants to do.
And we should be "romantic"...for me that's being thoughtful in big and small ways...

He should have room in his life to do some "his things" and I should have room in my life for "my things"...whatever that is for each of us.
Hopefully we have enough mutual likes that we can go the theater and play sports and dance a bit and travel and be active...although I can tell you that life sneaks up on you and removes some of those choices. But we must still be active and interested in life and living.
And he needs to be comfortable with family. My family is very important to me. and I would want him to be a part of that as well...and vice versa.
And as for coping with differences...we both need to be willing to talk, unpack what's going on, be respectful and then compromise when necessary (which to me, doesn't mean that the woman gives in or the man gives in). And if necessary, ask a third party to help us sort through it.

Trust is sexy and vital to a relationship...

And to all of you younger women, it also means (even at 70) that the sex should be tender and fun and that you each respect each others needs and boundaries. Believe me when I tell you that it's not over til it's over...This should be good news to you all. And when different body parts start responding differently than when you were 20, you use other body parts or toys. It's all part of love.

And then there is that inexplicable element that just lights your emotional fire when you are together. There are no words. It's just there. It's kind of like the "G Spot". No one can tell you where it is, but when you find it...YOU KNOW!

message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Sandy wrote: "As one of the older members of this group I probably bring a different perspective to it all...but then again, perhaps not. Love is universal. Power is universal. How we handle it is personal. Wher..."

Great post!

message 4: by Jessica (new)

Jessica | 149 comments When I was younger, I read a Readers Digest where a contributor suggested that love was not about fifty -fifty but about each person doing 60-40. In the end, it's supposed to balance out to fifty-fifty. But I think that's what I want- a partner who tries to more while I do the same. I want him to be intelligent, humorous, confident, and stubborn. I need someone who can ground me when I daydream, argue with me when I'm unreasonable, push me when I feel like hiding, and someone that can be strong for me when I'm sad.

message 5: by Jodi (new)

Jodi  (gingerbreadgirl) | 9 comments I want listening and understanding.

My husband and I are TOTAL opposites. I get worked up over everything- politics, feminism, black rights, gay rights... EVERYTHING. I love to debate and I'm hot tempered. I live for blogs and discussion groups where I can hear other opinions. My husband is the definition of laid back. Nothing bothers him. He could care less what anyone thinks.

I have no problem that we don't always agree, but I want him to listen to my thoughts and understand my perspective. And for him to offer his ideas so I can see the issue in a new way. For example, the other day he mentioned glass ceilings and how women aren't treated equally in the workplace and how it needs to change. But he challenged the idea of rape culture.

As long as he's open to discussion I feel like we are equals and I. Love, I just want to be heard and validated. It's when he shushes me or pooh poohs my opinion that I get very hurt and upset.

message 6: by Stephanie (new)

Stephanie | 4 comments I just want equality and not just for me but for him as well. Being able to be passionate about what we love even if they're different things is important to me. Him being able to cry or feel "weak" when he needs to without the restrictions of what's considered masculine or feminine and then for me being able to be passionate and successful without those same stereotypes is what I hope to have in a relationship. I hope to build him up when he's down and for him to do the same for me. I want to be able to be proud of him when he succeeds and for him to feel the same for me.

Most of all trust and respect are needed, for me these are the building blocks to a healthy and fruitful relationship.

message 7: by Suzi (new)

Suzi (sbommers) | 33 comments Sandy wrote: "As one of the older members of this group I probably bring a different perspective to it all...but then again, perhaps not. Love is universal. Power is universal. How we handle it is personal. Wher..."

Sandy, I love your post! Such a beautiful description of the kind of relationship that I think everyone should hope for.

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