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One Lily's Remembrance > One Lily's Thoughts

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message 1: by Sanne (new)

Sanne (sanlily195) In this thread I'll be posting some of my poems. Some of them I wrote originally in Dutch, so I'm not sure whether I'll be translating them first or not posting them at all. Feel free to comment on them. Constructive criticism is always appreciated :)

message 2: by Sanne (last edited Mar 04, 2016 03:44AM) (new)

Sanne (sanlily195) As I fracture

I tear
I snap, split and separate
A million pieces of individual, disoriented
Disconnected and detached from my being
I’m left with cipher

I occur
I exist as annihilation
Bending light and abducting emotion, swallowed
Splintered heart pumping veracity, not blood
Head’s run with my lies

It left
Fled my body, freed the sting
Liberated to hide in the entirety of my life
Sneaking up, anticipating anxiety
Though truth finds me first

Too much
I scream and screech, until

I give up
All is black

message 3: by Hallie (new)

Hallie (inkyhallie) Wow! This is good!

message 4: by Maeros (new)

Maeros   (maeros) | 61 comments Hey Sanne! I really like this! For free-verse (by which I mean, non-rhyming poetry which doesn't fit a strict rhythmic pattern) this is really good since it's one of the most difficult types to make sound... well, good. It's very dramatic and there's a lot of great vocab in there too :)
The way it's written suggests to me that you might actually be better at more strictly-formed poetry too. Might I suggest that you give it a go?

message 5: by Sanne (new)

Sanne (sanlily195) Hallie, thank you so much :)

Mae, thank you! You really think it sounds okay? I think I'll try more strictly-formed poetry too, but I'm not sure if I'm really the rhyming type (I'm not very good at it).

message 6: by Sanne (new)

Sanne (sanlily195) (I tried, but I'm not completely satisfied with what came out of it.)


Eternally alone at last
With soreness and ache I’ve won
Glad all the ones are gone
I loved, once in my past

Who dares to bring here devotion
In coldness I will immerse
Know, there exists no worse
Than hearts filled with emotion

This detachment I’ve claimed
Shall keep me from life’s ways
To never again be flamed
Alone till the end of days

message 7: by Maeros (new)

Maeros   (maeros) | 61 comments Again, I really like this Sanne! You're good at writing emotive poetry, whereas I'm awful at it x'D
I might have a couple of suggestions I could PM you if you're interested? I'm no expert on poetry though :3

message 8: by Sanne (new)

Sanne (sanlily195) Thank you, Mae! You're certainly not awful at it.
I'd love that :)

message 9: by Hallie (new)

Hallie (inkyhallie) This is nice, too!

message 10: by Sanne (new)

Sanne (sanlily195) Thanks, Hallie :)

message 11: by Sanne (last edited May 19, 2016 03:10PM) (new)

Sanne (sanlily195) ***I used a writing prompt for this, because I wanted to try something different and I basically just wanted to practice. It a bit vague and honestly I'm not even sure where this is going, but I do have some ideas. It's the middle of the night over here, so I probably made a few grammar en spelling mistakes. Please, feel free to comment.***
They sent me because I don’t exist, because I get to ignore the rules of time and the boundaries of space. I can do what no living creature can, and yet I can do nothing at all. At least not as far as you’re concerned.
You will never be able to see all the things I have created for you the first time, all the effort I put into this world of yours. Your mortal soul and human eyes could never reach that far, for they are, unlike me, real. Oh, how I’d like for you to see past the walls this life has built around you, walls you have built around yourself. Even though I know it’s hopeless, the lies are too thick and the delusions are endless, I do wish for you to break through. You would love this, you know.
I remember how you used write for hours. You would go somewhere quiet, take out your notebook and just start describing your surroundings. Then, you would start to twist the words and the sentences until you were satisfied with your creation. Hours would pass and you never realised it, never looked up until you were truly finished. You were just like me, a creator, building worlds instead of walls. God, you were so wonderful back then. I think what I’m going to miss most about you, the memories about our time before. Of course, I could always go back, but we’ll never be able to make new ones.
Still, they sent me, so I’ll have to do as they say.

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