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Writing Feedback > Ashley D.'s Writing

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message 1: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Hi this is Ashley! I hope I started this thread right ;)
This is my first time really going public about my writing-- and as I'm a beginner writer and have never published anything yet, all advice is welcome!
I'm glad to be a part of this group (I think it's awesome!!!!


message 2: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments So here's a section of my medieval book! I don't have a name for it yet, but here it is! ;)


And Mandilaian slowly drew an arrow out of his quiver... Noiselessly drawing it against the bow, he sighted-- and loosed. THWUNG! Animei swung around seconds before the arrow reached the tree by which he had been quietly tracking.
With a yell, Animei jerked his sword out of its scabbard and charged.
Dropping his bow, Mandilaian raised his sword gracefully into the air and met Animei's with a mighty CLANG.
BASH CRASH BANG CLANG! They whirled around each other, fighting for the advantage and testing for weak spots. Right, left, top, side, thrust, right, left, top, side, thrust; Mandilaian followed the patterns he had been taught as a wee lad.
Animei was certainly an experienced swordsman, but not as seasoned as Mandilaian. His sword whirled through the air-- did Animei have a weak spot there, on his side? He left the pattern for a brief instant, thrusting to his left side. Animei halted for half a heartbeat in surprise but whirled his sword up in a circle just in the nick of time, throwing Mandilaian's sword upwards. Then he thrust quickly, hoping to get under his guard.
But Mandilaian was expecting this trick, and dodged out of the way. Face twisted in concentration, he met Animei's sword and slid his sword down to the handguard of the enemy's. Swords locked, he and Animei met eyes for a brief moment. Was that a flicker of fear in his eyes? Mandilaian nodded slightly to him. Then a quick twist and thrust, and Animei was down, sword tip at his throat.

"Well comrade, I did wish to find thee of a better swordsman... Mayhap we shall meet again, and 'twill be more e'enly matched.
"Tho at present, in mine own interest, i shall not slay thee; for 'tis not mine calling, and 'twould be froward against the seemly and blessed Code of Chivalry.
"So i shall let thee goeth unto thy freedom, and thou shalt heal thine wounds.
Yet-- shall I set thee free, to have thee traitorously slash me in mine back? Nay, it shall not be so! Swear the blood oath unto me, that thou shalt ne'er deal treacherously unto me. That thou shalt only skirmish with me whilst i be armed, and ready against thee.
SWEAR it unto me."

"Or what, wilt thou slay me? Ha! Thou hast admitted thyself that thou shalt not! Wherefore what canst thou doeth unto me?" He laughed scornfully. "I am under no obligation to thee." He spat on Mandilaian's sword.
"Or wilt thou go against thy word? Wilt thou so defile thine own honor as to slay me?" He said mockingly.

------------------
Ok so that's where I left off-- sorry that it's in the middle of a scene ;)
I hope you like it! Let me know what you think! ;)


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Cool! I like the old English and all the swash-bucklery. (Sorry; I know that's not a real word, but it sounded nice.) You, may, however, wish to revise the 'all-capital' words. Again, you do the King James quite well.


message 4: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Thx! ;)

And thank you for the advice!! I appreciate all and every!!! ;)

And swashbuckler is a real word-- i just looked it up ;)


message 5: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments I have a lot of books, i hope "y'all" don't mind me forever posting book pieces!! XD ;)

The next piece is from The Deed of Kashablenka, and I apologize for any excessive drama-- I'm sort of a dramatic writer XD ;D ;)

What I've been (or will) post(ing) are the beginning pieces of my books-- many of them I've just barely started. So I might post things weirdly or in a strange order or out of place; but that's because I'm not that far in them! ;)

And thanks for reading this and posting advice it's much appreciated!! ;)


message 6: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Ok so the thing with this book is, I'm not sure if this will be the first book or not; I was wondering if I will make a first book or prologue where Kasha and her friends and sister go on an adventure, which is how/when Kasha got such a strong bond with her small group of friends. But Kasha has always had an unending and overflowing love of her sister; she treasures Emira more than anything.

Anyways, here we go! ;)
-------

I was running down the dock towards her. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, leaping over boards and docks. Just as i turned a corner and saw her, an Assassin leaped out from cover and lunged at her, broad curved sword extended. Finding another reserve of strength, i leaped forward and our blades met. We clashed swords, and i found a weak spot; i whirled him around, breaking his wrist to disable his sword arm as i did so, and slit his throat. He crumpled to the ground.

I ran towards Emira, who had run towards her post, and was by now almost there. Once she reached her post she headed for Virn, to warn him. 'Ever faithful, why does she do her duty before her own safety?'

As i passed the dead Assassin, i felt cool, unfriendly eyes on me.

I reached her and tugged her wrist, crying, "we must get to safety! More Assassins will come--!" As if on que, another Assassin jumped out at her. Why do they all want to kill her? I thought angrily as we clashed swords.
Within a few moments he was dead. He was probably of the least of the Assassins, judging by his skill-- or rather, lack of it.

Racing towards her again, i reached her just as she reached Virn. At that moment the unfriendly eyes i had felt on me jumped out of hiding, planting a bazooka-like gun on the middle of the scramble of decks as he landed. We whirled around, and he was already silently shooting people down with incredible aim.
We warned Virn, & i felt a combined trickle of fear and cold creep down my neck. Tight black clothes, midnight black cloak, deadly aim. The day had come. The day we had all feared would come.

For The Ekarin had come.

We bolted, i crying, "GO HOME! We MUST go HOME!" For only in the houses would we be safe from his outside merciless slaughter. But once he was finished on the outside, he would go inside. Virn shook his head and tugged us towards the launching docks.
"We need to escape far away," he said grimly. "if we hide inside, it'll just be a slightly delayed death. This way we might have a chance to escape."
A few other friends joined us in our headlong flight of escape towards the docks. More went down, as he shot incredibly fast and accurate. The town was screaming, and several buildings were now on fire.

We finally reached a launching dock and leaped into the air. We flew out and up, as fast as possible.

We weren't there for the real start of the bloodbath. We flew high and fast, hoping that by speed and distance he couldn't reach us.
But it was not to be.
20 yards from the docks, Veronya went down, writhing in agony as she fell to the sea, blood streaming out of her neck. 'I will kill him,' i thought grimly. 'He will pay.' But first i had to get them to safety.
He picked off more of our group and town. We were 200 yards away from him, & he still shot more down. HOW can he shoot this far, this fast, with such deadly accuracy?!
Gregiry, right next to my sister, was sent to the sea. 'NO' i thought. 'NOT MY SISTER!!!' I flew closer to her and put a protective arm around her. 'I will NEVER let ANYONE reach her. I WILL protect her!!! She will NOT EVER go down.'
We kept on flying, more dropping from our midst. The town was on fire. Hundreds must be dead.
'I will protect these,' i vowed determinedly. 'I will bring them to safety. And HE will pay.'


message 7: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Exciting excerpt! I do have a few comments:
First of all, I thought you might want to be aware that Kashablenka sounds kind of like Casablanca...
Also, I'm not sure if this comes at the beginning of your book, but I felt confused without any backstory. I'm not sure who the main character is, but they must be someone pretty incredible to be able to take down assassins that easily...

I really did like the feel of it, and I'd love to see more! You've got something good here!! :)


message 8: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Yea, I'm not sure quite what to do with the name-- I tried spelling it differently to make it not be Casablanca. Have you ever had times when character names just pop into your head? That's what happened with this one XD ;)

I'm still confused on whether or not this will be the second book; but yes this I don't think is the first chapter.

As for backstory, Kasha is a trained warrior; I think she went to an academy and joined the/a army at some point. Lol I'm taking a few things from The Deed of Paksenarrion (by Elizabeth Moon)-- 1) the title XD, & 2) tDoP is basically all about Paks's warrior life; she was a really good soldier
Lol XD ;D

Thank you for the advice!!! And sorry they're so confusing;)


message 9: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments If you don't mind me continually posting new pieces without much of a pause, I will post another piece!

This one is called the Record of the Unicorns-- this one is especially dramatic (perhaps overdramatic, XD), partly because Lord Azgarth is basically Hitler, and has a very unstable temper.

I'm not sure who'll be the POV character; and is it possible for the main character/hero to not be the POV character?

Anyways here's the beginning piece (perhaps prologue, idk yet)
Let me know if you have any pointers!!!! ;)

Also btw-- i know there is a word limit on the posts, but does anyone know what the limit is?


message 10: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Lord Azgarth paced agitatedly through his study, in one of his moods. His moods were renown for their terrible fierceness. Those accounts were most certainly true, as poor Kringa noted.

The Shadow King searched for a vent for his wrath before he blew the building to pieces--he had done that before & he hated the workers who charged him gold. Gold!! HIS gold!!! His rage-filled eyes alighted on the lush green fields outside his high window--& he saw through red vision the white blot of a unicorn on the horizon. A memory flashed--
And he was 10 yrs old again.

He stared surprised into the eyes of the unicorn. Where had it come from so suddenly?
The calm eyes looked back at him, forever intelligent & forever calm.
Were unicorns never angry? He thought. Did they ever feel?
And suddenly a wave of anger pulsed through him. He had fallen, & the unicorn had appeared; but it just stood there! It didn't help! Why was it here? Why were any of them here? He searched through his memory. He had NEVER heard of any unicorn helping anyone in history! What was their purpose?
The unicorn just stood there, looking knowingly into his eyes. It saw his anger, but just stood there! Was it completely unfeeling?
He grew angrier by the second. His face was turning red, his hands were trembling. But just as he reached out, the unicorn disapeared.

His rage increased and he came back to the present.
"Why don't they DO ANYTHING?!" Bellowed Lord Azgarth. "They just STAND THERE. Why don't they MOVE?! To what purpose do they LIVE?! They serve nothing to anyone. They don't DO anything for ANYONE!!!! They don't help out or choose sides or ANYTHING, they just stand in their "bwight amd shwiny" pastures, just PASSIVELY WATCHING AS WE HUMANS STRUGGLE!!!!! People are DYING to protect their puny little lives, & what do they do?! WHAT DO THEY DO?!" Spit flew everywhere, & Kringa, his servant, cringed. "NOTHING, they do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!" Lord Azgarth glared in fury at his surroundings, as though it was all their fault.
"M-m-my L-lord-d??" Kringa ventured. Lord Azgarth turned his terrible, rage-filled gaze upon Kringa. He cringed again.
"Well what IS it, you whimpering, cringing worm?!" He thundered. Kringa paled.
"M-m-my L-l-lord-d, w-what if-f the u-u-unic-corns w-were a--actually a--a comfort t-to the p-peop---" he got no further, for Lord Azgarth flew over to him in a purple-red rage, hands extended, & choked poor Kringa. Kringa turned purple and fell limply to the floor.

Lord Azgarth summoned one of his minions & ordered, "Take him away. And tell these orders to The Brotherhood: KILL THE UNICORNS."

The minion snapped his fingers, & 3 more came & dragged away the unconscious Kringa. The minion left to personally deliver the order.

His anger did sound unreasoning, but the more he dwelled on it more it made sense to him. The unicorns were useless. They were a waste of resources and lives. Therefore what sense did it make to keep them?


message 11: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (last edited Mar 03, 2016 06:34PM) (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Yes, names just pop into my head too, and I usually just go with it... :D

And I totally understand this is a first draft, so I don't expect you to have everything worked out yet! My first draft is such a mess even I don't know what's happening half the time! ;)

I think it's fine for a side character to have the point of view. I've actually read several books that do that, usually first person, though.

Another interesting bit! :) I like it!

P.S. It's actually a character limit: 12000 characters


message 12: by Anne (new)

Anne Caitlin (annebcaitlin) | 74 comments Thx! ;)

Ohhhhhhkay.... Thanks!! ;)
Lol I had been a little worried there on the limit-- but lol most of these sections are ~500 words, I should be good XD XD ;)


message 13: by Lena, Shot through the heart, and you're to blame (new)

Lena (lenakarynn) | 1526 comments Mod
Yeah, it's been fine for me so far... :)


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