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Archive > Wedding Madness, Proposals, The Bride's Big Day...

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message 1: by Aglaea (last edited Feb 29, 2016 12:55AM) (new)

Aglaea | 987 comments Let's talk weddings and proposals. Let's talk other expectations. Let's talk finances and favours and menus and invitations and photography and the whole madness.

But first, feel free to read this article!
"Eight women who decided to propose"

I did like those women, proposed. I was surprised to hear fewer shocked responses than I had expected, but online, from US direction, I've practically heard loud gasps of disapproval at my decision.

Why should men do the thing (if you're in a heterosexual relationship)? Why should insane amounts of money be poured into one day? Why should it be about a princessy dream and being in the spotlight?

I'm of the notion that the wedding day is the couple's day, a day of proclaiming one's love, a day of being together with family and friends, but feel the so-called wedding industry in certain parts of the world has gone completely overboard. Can people no longer get married without a huge circus? I have a hunch many men would prefer less of a drama around the "big day", but perhaps it is about the bride more than the groom? Correct me if I'm wrong! :)

(For the sake of this topic, let's assume we are fine with the institution of marriage itself.)

message 2: by Sherrie (new)

Sherrie | 184 comments I'm also a lady-proposer. :) Welcome to the club! I found that my family and friends were incredibly excited at the non-traditional route my husband and I took to the altar...even the very traditional/conservative ones because it made sense for us and they love us. Some aspects of the internet were also supportive (r/trollxchromosomes and imgur)...but most of the internet...OUCH. I was called desperate. I was told I was ruining my relationship. I was told I was de-masculating him. All of this is, of course, bullshit. Every relationship is different and should be celebrated as such.

The rest of the process of planning a wedding...well, there is good and bad and the good is very very good and the bad is hell. Some vendors wouldn't send my fiance contracts until they spoke to the bride (hello, he's calling for a reason. I don't have time or desire to do it all). It was frustrating and it made us really look closely at gender roles and how we interact with the world around us.

One of the most frustrating things for me was the chorus of voices all singing, "it's your day. it's all about the bride and what YOU want"...first off, last time I checked, you can't get married without a partner. So it's OUR day. Shut up with that selfish bride nonsense. My husband has opinions and his matter just as much as mine. Second, and more importantly, that chorus of voices was lying. They don't want you to do what you want...they want you to do what the wedding industrial complex wants you to want. When you deviate...oh lord, the claws come out. A bride who wants Star Trek cake toppers? "Oh honey, you'll regret that." A bride who wants 2 toddler aged flower girls? "Good luck with THAT." A bride who does not want to do a bouquet or garter toss? "But what about the PICTURES?!?"

The entire thing is a hot mess. BUT...I think any couple that can go through all that together will come out stronger and be on a great foundation for the marriage that is to come. :)

message 3: by Kikki (new)

Kikki (kikki-not-kiki) Darn i really wish i wasnt stuck on my phone right now, i have somethimg t9 contribute but I can bareely type on this dratted thing.

message 4: by Jessica (new)

Jessica | 8 comments I'm just entering the world of wedding preparation. There is more madness in this industry than Through the Looking Glass!

message 5: by Aglaea (new)

Aglaea | 987 comments Oh bahaha I feel like I opened a can of worms, huge fat jiggling worms. Wiping tears of laughter already :D Priceless.

message 6: by Kressel (new)

Kressel Housman | 436 comments A really good expose on the wedding industry is One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding by Rebecca Mead. I wanted to bring it up on the Disney thread. Disney is in the wedding business, you know. You can order your own horse-drawn carriage, like in Cinderella, or get any other bunch of Disney-centered themes for your wedding. As author Rebecca Mead points out, it's ironic that Disney is marketing to women's childhood fantasies at a time when, at least in traditional societies, they are embarking on a life of independence, responsibility, and adulthood.

message 7: by Aglaea (new)

Aglaea | 987 comments Whoa, really? Had no idea about Disney!

message 8: by Sherrie (new)

Sherrie | 184 comments Thanks for the book recommendation! That looks like a good read. :)

message 9: by NoraCampi (new)

NoraCampi | 4 comments I'm getting married in three weeks.
We decided to get married only five weeks ago and to "just get married". (Take the "decided to marry" literal)
No big party, just close family and friends at the townhall, because we think, that this should be all about us and what we like. And we are both not the hearts and doves and roses kitsch type of people :-)

So I'm getting a "normal" dress, which I can actually wear on an other day as well and we don't do the whole expensive wedding stuff.

But there were a lot of questions like "No big party?" "No church wedding?!" and stuff like that.
I think, that there are still a lot of people who can't imagine, that there are couples out there, who don't dream of a classy white fairy tale wedding.

But in my opinion the most important thing is, that the wedding and everything around that should "fit" the couple and not friends and family.

So that's the reason why we'll have black carbon wedding rings and probably Harry Potter themed ring boxes :-)

message 10: by Kressel (new)

Kressel Housman | 436 comments Goodreads needs to create a "like" button for posts as well as reviews.

message 11: by Jenn (new)

Jenn Meadows | 16 comments My fiance proposed to me. Honestly, I am terrible to surprise and he wanted to pull off a surprise just once. However, he is the one who is doing all the planning for this wedding. I've only got a few tasks, including finding him an engagement ring. It's been the biggest headache just to find a men's engagement ring. When we went into the store, people were very confused. They kept pushing us to buy a wedding band for him. I've been looking at Etsy to hopefully buy his.

The most interesting part of the wedding planning is how everyone assumes I am the person to talk to in regard to details. He's the one planning ceremony, but the venue keeps calling me for the details. Their excuse is that "it's my day" so obviously I get final say.

Thanks for the book recommendation! I hope to read that soon. It's amazing how people get so upset that I'm not "an excited bride" when I talk about my wedding. My partner and I have lives outside of this planning ordeal. I also find it sad that people are insinuating that marriage will be my biggest accomplishment in life...they don't seem to acknowledge the career I'm working towards and the Master's Degree both my partner and I are trying to crank out.

Thanks for bringing this up! I haven't even reflected about my engagement experience yet...I have a lot more to process and think about.

message 12: by Sam! (new)

Sam! at the bookstore (samatthebookstore) I'm still young and not even close to thinking about marriage, but this discussion has been very enlightening and interesting to read about. Good luck to everyone planning their wedding and trying to deal with the stereotypes and hardships society has set up.

message 13: by Abby (new)

Abby My (male) fiance proposed to me but we, like most others I suspect, are a mix of traditional and non-traditional. There are rituals that seem important to us (like saying our vows in front of family and friends) and some that don't (like garter and bouquet tosses). Some resources I've found incredibly helpful in finding like-minded people to help and share in the wedding planning process are www.offbeatbride.com and http://www.catalystwedco.com/, both of which are aimed at embracing the personal, the genuine, and the unique in each couple and celebrating that throughout the engagement, wedding, and marriage.

There aren't many in the wedding biz that proudly proclaim their feminism but if you can find them, it's well worth it. Our engagement photographer was a feminist activist and she supported and encouraged us to steer away from typical gender roles and ideas of beauty, making the result so much more authentic and meaningful.

message 14: by Sherrie (new)

Sherrie | 184 comments www.offbeatbride.com is one of the best places I've found on the internet! I'm glad someone brought it up. It kept me sane so many times during the wedding planning process.

message 15: by Kikki (new)

Kikki (kikki-not-kiki) Okay, on le computer now so I figure I'll share a bit.

Me and my fiance actually kinda decided together that we would get married. There was no official proposal, neither of us felt obligated to do so we just knew that we wanted to get married and kinda just had that look shared betwixt us that said a lot more than words could. We don't really plan on having a big wedding either, neither of us want to spend that much money on it. I mean getting married in itself is a big deal but we do have to think on our finances. Besides which both of us are introverts by nature so throwing something huge and grand would pretty much make us super uncomfortable haha XD so we plan on doing something small, only bringing in family and a few friends. For us at least, there's no need for anything bigger. Heck, I don't think either of us even know enough people to fill a big venue anyways XD

message 16: by Aly (new)

Aly | 37 comments My mom once told me that my dad never proposed to her, they just talk about it in one point of their relatioship and decided they were both prepared and they wanted to get married. So tecnically they both proposed each other.
And I'm a teenager with no boyfriend or plans about having a family,right now I just plan about college and travel but when someone ask me about what do I look for in a man I always say that I want him to be a comfortable person and I know that sounds weird but I always been kind of awkward with people bcs it took me a long time have really good friends who loved me for who I am and witch I can be comfortable with bcs I was soo different from everyone around me and my mom raised me differently to . And now everything changed, I'm not that shy but it still being hard stay comfortable around strange people, so I don't want a bad boy or a popular guy or some other teenage cliche , I want a best friend witch I can be comfortable with , and i want to propose each other to, and I don't want a big wedding, I want a comfortable wedding with friends and family and in the right time .

I'm from argentina and here weddings are not thaaat big , actually there is not a lot of people getting married , so we don't have that "massive weddings" thing. Even through I still want to get married, call me a romantic haha.

message 17: by Kikki (new)

Kikki (kikki-not-kiki) How your mom and dad married is pretty much what happened between me and my Fiance XD

message 18: by Aglaea (new)

Aglaea | 987 comments I love all the replies!

The funny thing is I love weddings as long as there is great food and music. Of course a nicely set table is wonderful, too, but people recall the feeling afterwards more than other details. I hope I don't come across as judgmental if your thing is elaborate drama, but it pains me to read of couples, who really would prefer to elope yet end up paying what corresponds to the downpayment of a house due to expectations.

message 19: by Kylie (new)

Kylie Reardon | 49 comments I LOVE that you brought this topic up.. for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me for never wanting the flowing white gown or the thousand dollar flower arrangements. I'd hear some girls talking about every detail of how they want their weddings to be and even how they want their future fiancé to propose, and I always felt extremely disconnected from their day dreaming. (I also see this ALOT on social media today) I feel like some brides who have these lavish weddings are doing so to please the families more than themselves, and to adhere to traditions and pressures from said families. So maybe it's because of how I was raised, or my complete lack of desire to be the center of attention, that I don't view weddings in the traditional sense. And yes, I love to see a female proposer! There shouldn't be stigma associated with someone expressing their love and commitment to their partner.

message 20: by Sherrie (new)

Sherrie | 184 comments "...but people recall the feeling afterwards more than the other details"

YES! THIS! This was exactly what my husband and I strove for with our wedding. And I believe we succeeded...our wedding was very US and our family and friends who were there walked away with a feeling of joy and camaraderie that lasted a few weeks.

Whether you elope, have a small intimate wedding, a huge gala, or something in between...if it's authentically you and your fiance and done with love...it'll be perfect.

message 21: by Kathrine (last edited Mar 01, 2016 06:12AM) (new)

Kathrine | 6 comments Considering that several religious communities still refuse to marry same sex couples, we had a hard time deciding if we would have a religious or non-religious ceremony. We have many gay and lesbian friends who would be present at our wedding, and out of solidarity to them it felt wrong to marry in a way that is exclusively for us and that discriminates them. At the same time, many of the pastors we know personally are trying to change this outdated practice and welcomes religious same sex marriages. After much debate, and in order to create awareness on the topic, we still opted for a religious ceremony, but with a special twist. To perform the wedding ceremony, we had a wonderful female pastor who fights for same sex marriage. She held a wonderful sermon focusing on love! To this day it still feels strange that the church would only accept our love because we happen to be a heterosexual couple, but this female pastor and protagonist for love from the religious community, gives me hope that religious communities will stop the discrimination and accept same sex marriages.

I think focusing on topics that are close to your (and your family and friends') heart on your wedding day, is a thousand times more important than the right dress, cake or venue.

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