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Natalya's Hetalia Fanfic

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Lyd's Archive (7/'15 to 6/'18) (violabelcik) A parody of a book using characters from the anime series Hetalia, to come soon, accompanying my review of Tsarina It's a bit exaggerated, for those of you who have read Tsarina (I would not recommend it) I cut a bunch of scenes and three major characters (Emilia, Misha, and the Babushka) and all the genders are switched.

Some of the humor is only comprehensible by those who have read Tsarina and watched at least a few episodes of Hetalia (the first, about six minutes, can be found at www.funimation.com/shows/hetalia/.../...) so I will fill you in here: Tsarina is a book in which the main character is a noblewoman in love with the heir to the throne of Russia (a few years older than he was in real life) who suffers from a bleeding disease cured by a magical Faberge egg that somehow also keeps his parents in power as long as they have the egg and also allows his family to do useless magical stuff like resurrect flowers. When revolution hits St Petersburg (which should be called Petrograd at this point) in 1917, the heir and his family are captured (not true to history) and the egg goes missing. Basically, the plot is the main character, her almost useless shallow best friend, and this one hot revolutionary (all the rest are drunks) traipsing around a loose historical backdrop trying to find the egg and save the heir's family (at least the MC and her friend are).

Hetalia is an anime series where countries are represented as people, living out whatever stereotypes about that particular country there are. The main character, Italy, is cute but extremely pathetic and half the time is talking about pasta.

Episode I

NARRATOR:Once upon a time Belarus was unable to fall in love
BELARUS: I have no feelings.
NARRATOR: In fact, she was allergic to it (Belarus sneezes) But America came to the rescue.
AMERICA: American exceptionalism! Let’s go!
NARRATOR: One day he visited her living at Russia’s house and brought her a magical Faberge Egg McMuffin that would cure her. He told Russia,
AMERICA:Dude, this Faberge Egg Mcmuffin is the best! Since your sister Belarus is allergic to love and all that stuff I thought I’d give this to her so she can have a life! Just don’t tell Britain I took some of his magical powers to make it happen.

[Hetalia opening music]

NARRATOR: Naturally, Belarus met a young man called Italy and began to fall in love
BELARUS: I love you! You’re mine! (flexes claw-fingernails)
ITALY I-a love-a you-a too-a!
NARRATOR One day during a party….
ALL OTHER COUNTRIES: PARTY! Party!
BELARUS I need to show you a secret.
ITALY A-what-a?
BELARUS (entering secret chamber) Here’s the secret chamber. Inside we have the magical Faberge Egg Mcmuffin that keeps me from being allergic to love.
ITALYA-that’s-a wonderful-a!
NARRATOR: But there was a revolution in Russia’s house.
BALTIC TRIO, UKRAINE AND POLAND Peace! Land! Bread! Peace! Land! Bread!
ITALY a-why-a are-a they-a complaining? They are-a ruining the party-a!
ALL OTHER COUNTRIES Party! Party…. Party?
NARRATOR The revolutionaries took St. Petersburg, the city of Magical Unicorns. Belarus was captured.
ITALY They-a have a-taken my a-home! I-a must-a go to-a my a-friend a-Estonia. He can a-help a-me (to Estonia) I-a need to a-get out of the-a city.
ESTONIA (I’m a revolutionary. Don’t tell) Ukraine can take you to the train station.
UKRAINE (after they leave Estonia’s room) The revolutionaries need me to find the Mcmuffin. If it can protect Russia and Belarus, it can protect us.
ITALY How would you-a know about-a the Mcmuffin?
UKRAINE She’s my sister. I saw you in the garden.
ITALY A-what-a?
UKRAINE You know where it is. I need you to find it for the revolutionaries
ITALY A-no-a!
UKRAINE If I don’t, they’ll kill me.
ITALY I-a don’t-a want-a you to-a die. Even if you-a are a red.
NARRATOR The revolutionaries call themselves Reds. (zoom in on Ukraine’s arm) They all wear armbands like this one

[Cut to Britain in the secret room]

BRITAIN Heh heh heh, I have the Mcmuffin! Now I can reclaim all my powers and destroy America and Russia and Belarus for good! MWA HA HA!!!

[Italy and Ukraine enter]
UKRAINE So this is the place?
ITALY A-yes-a she-a showed it to me
(the mcmuffin’s pedestal is empty)
It’s-a gone-a!
UKRAINE Then the revolutionaries will have to have me keep you until we find it.
ITALY A-what-a? I need to-a find-a my-a brother a-France! He can-a keep a-me a-safe!
UKRAINE What happened to it?
ITALY I-a don’t-a know-a!
BRITAIN You dummy, I took it!
ITALY (gets lightbulb) Maybe Britain took it! He should be in Moscow!
UKRAINE Well, let’s go.
NARRATOR: Italy and Ukraine hitchhiked on a train to Moscow in the storage car.
ITALY Why are-a you a-closing the-a door?
UKRAINE: We’ll open it when we’re in Moscow.
ITALY But-a the-a doors don’t a-open from-a the inside. (chibitalia flashback begins)
You see when I-a was a-little, Grandpa Rome a-shipped me a pony!
CHIBITALIA A PONY!
ITALY But when I-a ran to a-get it, I-a was a-locked in-a. You a-see?
[Hetalia theme song]

BRITAIN Heh heh… Now that I have the mcmuffin, I can reclaim my powers (waves hands) IT DOESN’T WORK? IT DOESN’T BLOODY WORK!


Lyd's Archive (7/'15 to 6/'18) (violabelcik) Episode 2
ITALY If you want a-bread why-a don’t-a you-a just a-buy it!
[Ukraine facepalms, the word “Fail” scrolling across the screen]
- opening music -

ITALY I’m a-hungry. I-a want-a pasta!
UKRAINE We won’t be getting pasta for a long time (peers into crate) oh look, caviar (bangs can against wall, but it fails to open.)
ITALY A-let a- me try! (bangs can against wall) I-a can’t-a! (throws can out magically opened train car door, when it explodes. They both sigh) I-a guess-a I-a will-a just-a dangle my a-legs out of the-a magically a-opened a-train car a-door for a-no reason! (dangles legs) oh-a icicles! They are-a pointy! (gets a lightbulb and breaks off an icicle which he jams into a can) I-a did it! (looks into can) But it’s-a not-a pasta! (ukraine facepalms)
NARRATOR Despite their rocky start, being stuck in a train car did began making Italy suffer from a Disneyfied version of Stockholm Syndrome.
ITALY a- you are-a pretty! All the a-other a-revolutionaries are-a drunk a-idiots a-except for-a Ukraine! (hearts stream from head) A-Russia in-a winter is-a so a-pretty-a! All the-a snow-a everywhere-a!
UKRAINE Sometimes people freeze to death
ITALY A-don’t a-say a-that! It is-a not-a child appropriate!
UKRAINEThis is a young adult book.
[the train stops]

ITALY We are-a there-a!
[cut to Britain in the palace with the mcmuffin]
BRITAIN Well, now Belarus is dead. And since she’s the person this mcmuffin is supposed to protect, I can now reclaim my powers and kick America in the - never mind children (smiles creepily) And now I have a magical crystal ball with which to track Italy and keep him from getting the magical mcmuffin. Heh heh heh…

[cut back to Italy and Ukraine]

ITALY A-where-a do you a-think a-Britain could a-be? (gets a lightbulb) He-a must a-be a-over a-here! (points to a building) I-a don’t a-know a-how, but-a I-a know-a he is-a! (they run into a building where Britain is hiding in a corner with the mcmuffin)
BRITAIN Dumbledora the explora! (waves hands) beautiful sandwich of egg and cheese, open yourself and please - shoot, what else rhymes with cheese?
ITALY A-buon Giorno, Britain. May we-a have-a the-a mc-a-muffin?
BRITAIN (laughs) Of course not, why would I take it just to give it to you? (evil smile, Italy and Ukraine back into a corner)
ITALY A-what a-other a-plans do a-we a-have? (sets his fingers on a window where the ice begins to melt) Look-a at-a what I-a did-a! I-a must-a have the-a powers of the-a mcmuffin because-a Belarus a-loved a-me!
BRITAIN (Gets a lightbulb) So Italy must have to renounce his claim on the egg’s powers in order for me to reclaim my powers.
ITALY Oh-a-kay-a sure- (Ukraine covers his mouth)
UKRAINE You can’t let him do that. He’s the bad guy.
BRITAIN You will give it to me….
ITALY Oh-a kay-a (he puts his hands on the egg. Ukraine trips him and the mcmuffin falls from his arm and onto the floor) Oh-a no-a!
UKRAINE Now he can’t reclaim the Mcmuffin’s powers.
ITALY (Hugs Ukraine, who begins to glow) oh-a that’s-a wonderful! Even though-a the-a powers were-a his in the-a first place! Because a-he’s the-a bad guy and that-a makes a-no a sense!
UKRAINE And now the magic lives within me. I am the mcmuffin.
BRITAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NARRATOR And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Britain
BRITAIN Bloody hell I didn’t!
(Hetalia theme song]
BELARUS I’m not dead, Italy (flexes claw-fingernails). Get that [expletive] out of here and come back to me! Come back to me!
ITALY Oh-a no-a!
[Childrens’ voices] To be continued! Maybe.


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