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Journals Archived > Maria's Journal about how i need to start living in the present and stop worrying about my past

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message 1: by Maria (new)

Maria (marmalade4evs) | 5 comments Sometimes I just hate my life. 6 months ago was the last time I cut myself and tried to commit suicide. Today the thoughts came back.

In my old school, I was never invited anywhere. The people I was "friends" with always ignored me and never invited me anywhere. For the next 3 days, I have something at my school called sports' night where our school is separated into dots and stripes. It's really fun and today was the first day we started it. My new friends, who really care for me, asked in a group chat if we want to go to a diner tomorrow before sports night. My friends replied with "yes my mom said I can go" very soon.
When I asked my mom she said no. She wouldn't give me any reasons and just kept yelling at me that I can't go.
As you can imagine, this made me really upset that everyone is going to this and not me. I went into my room and cried my soul out. I still cannot breathe through my nose because of this.

I just don't understand why I can't hang out with friends and my mom knows about how no one ever invited me to things last year.

While crying my soul out, an image of me cutting myself appeared in my brain. A flashback, you can say. I tried so hard to get it out but it wouldn't. I prayed and asked God to help get it out. Whilst writing this, I can feel that it's gone but it has still made me very sad. Today was the first day in about 4 months (for about 2 months after stopping I still had thoughts) that I got a thought again. I thought of how the plastic garbage bags in the corner can suffocate me to death and about how the thumbtacks by my school area can help make little lines to help soothe me.

Instead of doing these other things, I went on my laptop and went on here. I just thought that this was a much better way to cope with this than going to anything that's worth harming myself. I am an amazing human being and even though my mother won't let me hang out with my friends, that is not worth harming the beautiful bodies God has given us or taking away our only life.

Honestly? I feel a lot better now. While crying, I can get really into it and get mini panic attacks which is what I was getting before. I literally couldn't breathe and now my bed is full of snot. But I feel much better. I just wish my mom would tell me why I can't go. I haven't hanged out with friends in a while so it's not liking I chill with them everyday after school and she doesn't want me to go too many times in a week or something. I just don't understand why she won't tell me.

I'll let you guys know if she tells me.

Btw, feel free to comment on here. But I bet you no one will see this. But it's fine because at least I feel a lot better than before.

message 2: by Lyanette (new)

Lyanette  (predator66) | 190 comments I'm glad you feel better :) Honestly

message 3: by Maria (new)

Maria (marmalade4evs) | 5 comments Lyanette wrote: "I'm glad you feel better :) Honestly"

Aww, thanks :)

message 4: by Maria (new)

Maria (marmalade4evs) | 5 comments Hello again, frens!

I guess I'll just use this journal thing to write down when anything interesting happens that I feel like writing down on here.

In case yall's don't know from my profile, because you're too lazy to click on it, I'm polysexual which means that I like anyone regardless of gender except for girls. Now I go to an all-girls private school (no it's not a bitchy one, I know other all-girls schools that are. This one has lots of smart girls that wanna focus of school instead of boys. And then there's me :) )and I'm just like, "Oh there's not gonna be anyone here that's Lgbt+" (or SAGA [sexual and gender acceptance] as I've seen a few places and like to call it)
So I have a few classes with this girl that's really awesome. She reads a lot, is really smart, and likes to talk but her voice is so quiet. We talk a lot and I've find out that she's a vegetarian (so am I, btw), supports feminism greatly, is an atheist, and loves some emo bands. Yesterday, I was showing her my goodreads about me and when she saw that I had that I was polysexual, she was like, "Oh you're polysexual? That's cool. I'm pansexual." (meaning she likes anyone regardless of gender- boy, girl, non-binary) And I was just like XD

I didn't think that there would be any SAGA people at my school (not counting me) and now there is and I feel a little bit happy that there's a person like that in my school. However, it did make me evaluate if I like girls or not. I mean, I have friends that are girls, of course, and since it is an all-girls school sometimes friends act like lesbian lovers. But I don't think I like girls.
I don't know. I mean, I don't think so. But yeah. Just thought I would share this.

((btw- about the sport's night thing- my mom said she wouldn't let me go because I put her on the spot and asked for an answer immediately and if I wasn't so bitchy towards her, she probably would've let me go. But it's fine now and looking back at this post made a week ago, I can't believe how weird I sounded. But I guess I needed a place to rant so I did it there. Hope ya'lls didn't mind.))

Peace out ya'lls!!

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