My Life discussion

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Evan

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message 1: by E (last edited Apr 28, 2014 07:10AM) (new)

E Where to start? Maybe an introduction.
I am Evan and am a teenage boy. I won't tell you my exact age. Anyway I came here because I need help. I need to know that someone can listen to what I have to say and not make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I am ADHD and cannot do anything right socially I am the one who takes things too far and who makes people feel awkward. I am also the main target of my teachers at school. Anyway I am here because I fuck everything in my life up. I have two t actual friends that I can trust. I feel like every time something good happens in my life I fuck it up by just being me. I feel so alone when I am at school or anywhere else. I fake my smile everyday so no one worries. The truth is I think about suicide often. The only thing stopping me is this feeling that I am taking the easy way out and that is wrong that shouldn't be the only thing keeping me here.

I should tell you why I feel like this.
I am picked on at school by peers and sometimes even people I call friends. They don't know where the line is. I am skinny and constantly harassed because of it. I am constantly being called names and put down.

I fuck everything good in my life up. Example about a month or 2 ago I started talking to this girl. Thinks were good for a while we met up a couple times and she even said she liked me and would go out with me. Things started changing and we drifted apart. Someone who I could talk to so openly and honestly was leaving. I went from talking to here once every hour to 1 every 2 weeks now she is ignoring me. I message her and she doesn't even read them.

I know that I am alone but I don't want to be. I have thoughts on killing myself but haven't tried yet. I can't trust myself to be alone for an extended period of time. I can't keep living like this. It scares me that I think these things but I don't know how long I can stay in control. I don't know how long I stop myself from doing something extreme. I need help but I can't get it. I am going to post a copy of a diary entry I wrote 1-2 years ago.

"I NEED OUT. OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE. OUT OF THIS LIFE. I NEED TO ESCAPE FROM THIS MADNESS BUT EVERY TIME IT STARTS TO GET BETTER IT COMES BACK TWICE AS BAD. THERE IS NO ESCAPE, NO WAY OUT, WE ARE STUCK IN THIS ENDLESS LOOP OF CRAZINESS NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY THERE IS NO STOPPING THIS ENDLESS INSANITY. THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO COPE, YOU EITHER GRIT YOUR TEETH AND GET THROUGH IT DAY BY DAY, OR TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT AND END IT. I GRIT MY TEETH AND PUSH THROUGH IT. BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN DO THAT."


I just feel so alone and unwanted.


message 2: by E (new)

E I am glad to say that I am getting better now. But I am really disappointed, I joined this group to get help and encouragement from people who can relate and care, at least a little. And yet all this time since my first post I have not gotten one other comment you guys didn't help me get through it and didn't help me feel wanted and not alone. I am just really disappointed that I mean so little to anyone.

Anyway in the real world I am better I have been less depressed lately and have finally started getting noticed by the girl I have had a crush on since 4th grade. I mean before she barely noticed me but now she does so it's a start right? :) I have had some issues with one of my closest friends recently and have not seen another in just over a month. That doesn't bother me though because we have both been busy and have still been talking. The only thing worrying me is my school work. And also my bad days when I get more depressed than I have ever been but I am managing day by day.

Thank you for reading I doubt you will comment or that you even care about a teen kid who might not be here much longer.

-Evan Son of Poseidon


message 3: by Claudia (new)

Claudia | 1 comments I care. There will always be someone who cares, whether you know it/them or not.
27 days ago I didn't know that such a brave person had written their story here for all of us to see. That itself deserves an applause :)
I am going to be totally honest with you and admit to also having suicidal thoughts(nearly actions) but there was another reason why I didn't besides it being the easiest way out. People who commit suicide are also heavily judged , even though they have died. They get picked on even though they aren't here to defend themselves and most of the time, they killed themselves because of bullying. I know I wouldn't want a bunch of people judging and picking on me if I wasn't around to try and defend myself.
Anyway, on a happier note, I'm glad that 27 days after your first post, things have gotten better for you :) and I am sorry that this group had let you down and disappointed you. I can understand how that would make someone feel unwanted. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this thing with your best friends gets sorted out soon.

Xx Ebony


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