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Terrible Jokes
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Gosh that was horrible
Thank you. would you like to tell a terrible joke?
Why didn't the passenger cross the street?
Honestly though I don't know
Whats a corns favorite music?Popcorn.
Lol that was funny
Its terribly CORNy!
That's why it's funny!
These are very bad jokes...I LOVE IT!!!
What do you get when a duck crosses a cow?
I have two!!:What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
My grandfather always said "don't watch your money watch your health" So one day while I was watching my health someone stole my money.It was my grandfather.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY GOOD AT IT!!!
BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY GOOD AT IT!!!
I AM
LOVING
these jokes...they're horrid.
#881[New!]
◦What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
◦If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
#882
[New!]
◦What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
◦Pick a cod, any cod!
#883
[New!]
◦What's stucco?
◦What happens when you step in bubblegummo.
#884
[New!]
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
#885
[New!]
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
#886
[New!]
◦What's the Internet's favorite animal?
◦The lynx.
#887
[New!]
In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
#888
[New!]
◦What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
◦Kara-tea.
#889
[New!]
◦What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
◦Runway inflation.
#890
[New!]
◦What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
◦Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
#891
[New!]
◦Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
◦In Fort Launderdale.
#892
[New!]
"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.
His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
She said, "Pardon?"
He said, "I said I love you."
She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
#893
[New!]
◦What's a frog's favorite drink?
◦Croaka Cola.
#894
[New!]
◦What bone will a dog never eat?
◦A trombone.
#895
[New!]
◦What does a wicked chicken lay?
◦Deviled eggs.
#896
[New!]
◦Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
◦A barber.
#897
[New!]
◦What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
◦Get bent!
#898
[New!]
During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.
One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"
"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.
"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.
At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."
The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
#899
[New!]
◦Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
◦It was in tents.
#900
[New!]
A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.
However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"
"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
Why cant a nose be 12 inches long?Because then it'll be a foot!▲
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What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow?Mufasa!
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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?You're too young to be smoking!
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What's at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?A nervous wreck.
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What is a duck's favourite drug?Quack!
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Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because its too far to walk!
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub I'm dwowning!
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How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game?The ghost of christmas passed!
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What do you call a bear without any teeth?A gummy bear!
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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?A can't opener!
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot!▲
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What's the best thing about Switzerland?I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
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Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy.
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How do crazy people get through a forest?They take the psycho-path!
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What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose?Nobody knows!
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What did the red light say to the green light?Don't look, I'm changing!
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What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?A branch manager!
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Why should you not write with a dull pencil?Because it's pointless.
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How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?Tentacles!
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Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they are shellfish!
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Knock knock.Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
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What did the teacher do with the student's cheese report?She "grated" it!
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How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?Satisfying!
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How do snails fight?They slug it out!
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?The Holocaust!
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What are a ninja's favourite type of shoes?Sneakers!
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What has three balls and flies through space?E.T. The Extra Testicle!
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What does Miley Cyrus eat on Thanksgiving?Twerkey!
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?Because the "P" is silent!
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What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?José and Hose B.
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What did one snowman say to the other snowman?It smells like carrots out here!▲
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How do you catch a bra?With a booby trap!
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Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
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How many ears does Spock have?3. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
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What do you call a donkey with three legs?A wonky!
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Why was six afraid of seven?Because seven is a registered six offender.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
I'm a pile up.
I'm a pile up who?
...
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No you're a poo!
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What does a nosey pepper do?It get's jalapeño business!
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What did one bean say to the other bean?How you bean?
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What did the finger say to the thumb?I'm in glove with you.▲
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What did the policeman say to his belly button?You're under a vest!
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What do you give a sick bird?Tweetment.
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What's the difference between a piano and a fish?You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish!
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?Breathe dammit, BREATHE!
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How much does a hipster weigh?An instagram!
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What's a specimen?An Italian astronaut!
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?Virgin mobile!
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I miss my umbilical cord,
I grew attached to it.
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?Park in it, man!
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Why did Sally fall off the swings?Because she had no arms.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Sally!
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What did the wall say to the ceiling?I'll meet you at the corner.
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How do you make a glow worm happy?Cut off it's tail... it will be delighted!
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How do you get a nun pregnant?Have sex with her!
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Where do cows go for a first date?To the moooovies!
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Who told the gorilla that he couldn't go to the ballet?Just the people who are in charge of that decision.
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Why don't dinosaurs talk?Because they're dead.
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How do you feel when there is no coffee?Depresso.
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What does a baby computer call his father?Data!
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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!
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What's green and sings?Elvis Parsley!▲
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Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?Because she's probably thick and tired of it!
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Jokes about menstruation just aren't funny.
Period.
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Have you ever smelled moth balls?
...
Yes.
...
How did you manage to get his little legs open?
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What didn't the melons get married?Because they cantaloupe!
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What did the pony say when he sang with a sore throat?Sorry, I'm just a little hoarse!
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What would bears be without bees?Ears!
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Did you hear about the circus fire?It was intense!
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Why did Captain Kirk's wife have a turd on her head?Because William Shatner!
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I slept with a woman who cooked a ton of pasta last night. She gave me carbs.
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What did the overly excited gardner do when spring finally arrived?He wet his plants!▲
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?Dam.
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Two cows are standing in a field.
One cow says "MOOOOO!"
The other cow says pretty much the same thing.
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Why does Piglet smell?Because he plays with Pooh.
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What's the best time to go to the dentist?Tooth Hurty!
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I might have an open casket funeral...
Remains to be seen.
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What did the shoes say to the pants?SUP, BRITCHES!
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My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?Someone who points out the obvious.
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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break.
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I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.They're so full of themselves.
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Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Soup.
Soup who?
Superman!
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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?Nothing, they just waved.
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How do you make a tissue dance?You put a little boogie in it!
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What do you call a donkey with a millon eyes and a millon legs?A monster.
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What did batman say to robin before they got in the car?"Get in the car."
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A man walks into a bar and says
"I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired."
Everyone laughed.
The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone.
He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.
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What did the Lawyer say to the other Lawyer?We are both Lawyers.
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How do you make a clown cry?You kill his family.
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A horse walks into a bar.
Several patrons got up and left as they recognized the potential danger in the situation.
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What's the difference between a bicycle?A banana. Vests don't have sleeves. ▲
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What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!
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Helen Keller walks into a bar...
then a chair, then the wall.
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You hear the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water?
No?
Well, well, well....
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Who is bigger: Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?The baby, because she's a little bigger.
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Two bananas are lying on a riverbank when a turd goes floating by.
The turd yells to the bananas, "hey guys, come on in, the water feels great!"
One banana looks at the other banana and says, "do you believe that shit?"
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What did the Leper tell the prostitute?Keep the Tip!
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What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?An investigator.
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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
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What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?Cheese Was!▲
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What's E.T. short for?Because he's only got little legs!
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My grandad has the heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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What did Dr. Dre say when 50 cent gave him a sweater?"Gee, you knit?"
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How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it!
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What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball?Juan on Juan.
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What do you call a fake noodle?An impasta!
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The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
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Why did the cyclops close his school?Because he only had one pupil!
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My friends tell me I'm too condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
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Knock knockWho's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
ಠ_ಠ
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What's the worst thing about two black guys getting hit by a car?They were my friends.
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What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?Christoper Walken
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A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch.
He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was *that* all about?"
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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
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Did you hear about that new movie called "Constipation"?No? That's because it hasn't come out yet...
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A man went to the zoo.
All they had to exhibit was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
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A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Can I get a ...... Martini?"
The bartender replies: "Why the big paws?"
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What does a vegan zombie eat?Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!
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A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
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A man walks into a bar.He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.▲
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?In little nazis
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Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.
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So a seal walks into a club...
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What did one hat say to another?You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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What's brown and sounds like a bell?DUNGGGgggg
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What's red and bad for your teeth?A brick
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?Doyouthinkhesaurus
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?Thunderpants
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?Lickalotapus
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Why do penguins walk softly?Because they can't walk hardly.▲
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?Fo Drizzle
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?Dr. Dre
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A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"
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What's better than winning silver in the special olympics?Not being retarded.
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What do you call a nosy pepper?Jalapeno Business!
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What do you call someone else's cheese?Nacho Cheese!
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?Thanks for the mammaries!
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Do you know what the number 1 cause of pedophilia is?Sexy babies.
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Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?Tequila!!
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What does a Mexican put under his carpet?Underlay! Underlay!▲
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What do you call an Eskimo who's a Peeping Tom?Itookalook
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Where does the king keep his armies?Up his sleevies
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What's brown and sticky?A stick
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?Because gorillas have big fingers.
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What did the perverted frog say?"Rubbit"
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?He felt his presents!
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?Bye Son!
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What type of music do mummies listen to?WRAP MUSIC!
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What did the ghost say to the bee?Boo bee!
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Why did the cookie cry?Because his mother was a wafer so long!▲
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What smells worse than anchovies?Anchovy bums!
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What's Forrest Gump's email password?1forrest1
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What's the best way to carve wood?Whittle by whittle.
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?Roberto
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What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?An irrelephant.
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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder.
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What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?A small medium at large!
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What's Helen Keller's favourite colour?Velcro.
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?Because it scares their dogs too much.
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Why did princess Diana cross the road?Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.▲
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Three nuns are sitting on a park bench.
A man comes up and exposes himself to them.
Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.
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Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said "Hey, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it?"
The other turned and shouted "Oh my god a talking muffin!"
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A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother...
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?Rabbit farts
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?He wipes his butt.
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?A Private Tutor!
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Alan wrote: "Old stuff,heard all but 1 before.They have been Googledall over the map,don't you have any of your OWN jokes."
several but the atmosphere isn't right for most of them
Here is mine.
Two men walked into a bar...the third one ducked