Help With Blurb

[Fiona]

Firstly, yes, I did find it very long. Think of it from the view of a potential reader. People have short attention spans when it comes to online content and will only read a lot of text if they are already invested in your writing. A potential reader is not yet invested, so you need to grab them, not turn them off. At this point, you don't want to tell them the plot, but give them a reason to keep reading, a "hook" so to speak.

Here is what I see as your "hooks":
- Coming of age tale (something most readers can relate to, either they are teenagers now or were in the past)
- Set in Nigeria and Kenya, so not the usual setting for stories of this kind (appeals to readers looking for diversity, maybe to fans of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie)
- Sexual awakening, LGBT issues (very topical, also something potential readers may relate to)
- Family conflicts (from ancient Greek tragedy to Star Wars, readers love a dysfunctional family)

The book can expand on these conflicts, but the blurb just needs to introduce them and get the reader interested.

It should include these important questions:
- Who is the main character? (Anglela)
- Whay does she want? (To feel comfortable in herself? To get away from her family? To sleep with Anita? To be a boy? To be seen as "normal"?)
- What is stopping her from getting what she wants? (Attitude of society? Repressive laws? Family bullying? Her own internal homophobia?)

It doesn't need to include lots of details about what happens in the book. We don't need to know right now about the incident in the hostel, or details about her relationship with Derrick, or exactly what happens to land her in hospital. If you give away the whole story, why would we want to keep reading?

Anyway, hopefully this is food for thought. Best of luck in your writing.

[Editing to mention that I thought your first paragraph was very good. It introduces Angela, her dysfunctional family, her same-sex attraction and the fact that this attraction would not be acceptable to her family. It shows the conflict in Angela's life and the barriers to her happiness. You just need another paragraph or two in the same vein, expanding on her internal conflict and how it follows her to Nairobi. That's IMHO anyway.]

[Fiona]

Hi,
I like the rewrite. Just a few points:
- I think there are supposed to be two sentences in that first paragraph, so there should be a full stop after "and Kenya".
- The 2nd sentence ends up being a bit "listy". Maybe pick out two or three of the most important issues, rather than list them all.
- The end of the blurb is quite abrupt. You'll kill me for asking you to expand after I suggested you condense the whole thing, but I think you need to expand with another sentence or two. Maybe some kind of question about how is Angela going to figure out who she is, or learn to deal with other people's expectations, or live with the contradictions in her life, or whatever.

Hope this helps.