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Personal Writings > A Short Story - In a Dream with Death

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message 1: by Arkane (new)

Arkane | 8 comments Greetings to all and every soul and heart. I will not trouble you readers and writers with my nonsense. It is the nature of human beings to feel excited when they create something or the other, they want to share it and I am no exception.

Today, I am here with a short story of no more than 2000 words. I will not post it here, for it is posted elsewhere and if you will do me the most kind favor, please visit this link if you want to read it. I am certain that I won't disappoint you nor bore you.

https://theweavr.wordpress.com/2015/1...

I know I am asking to much of you but what can I do but merely request?


message 2: by Jogi (last edited Dec 07, 2015 10:18AM) (new)

Jogi Badmaash (recantrecantrecant) | 505 comments Excellent scenery. Superb prose. Marvelous vocabulary.

But.

Your character in the story seemed a little out of place - for some reason. At first, the story gives me the impression that you are a nonchalant young man by virtue and that you are a little brat-like in your dealings with others - typical of teenagers who haven't yet matured. But, later on, as the story unfolds and you bask in the miraculous presence of 'your other side' (as I would like to call him), you turn into something entirely else; or maybe it's the impression that is given off by the verbosity you implemented in your dialogues. Don't take me wrong, the verbosity doesn't turn into verbiage. It's just that it doesn't suit the character that you've tried to portray.

Other than that, excellent work. I'm not a fan of fiction unless the fiction has a strong philosophical element to it which was in your story. I read some other writings on your blog too and they're all brilliant. Keep up the good work. 8/10


message 3: by Arkane (new)

Arkane | 8 comments Genio wrote: "Excellent scenery. Superb prose. Marvelous vocabulary.

But.

Your character in the story seemed a little out of place - for some reason. At first, the story gives me the impression that you are a ..."


I thank you and really appreciate your reading my work. You are right, the character seems a bit out of place but that was intentional. The story, is not, in the real world and that is why the character is out worldly too.
You are right, in some places there seems some extra details but I think in a place that is not of this world, you need those details. A reader can't pick up the scene if the details are not provided.

Thank you again and again. I am really grateful. :)


message 4: by Jogi (new)

Jogi Badmaash (recantrecantrecant) | 505 comments You're welcome. The pleasure was all mine. I learnt something, so I'm in your debt.

As for the world-building through sentences - in my opinion, you should, if it fits your style because everyone has his own, try to depict the world through emotions or abstractions rather than limning them concretely or through dialogues. A good example of it is found in 'soulful/mystical' poetry. Have you read the works of Rumi? if you have then it would not be hard to imagine how he, without reasoning, convinces the reader that he is now in the world not of his own. When details are consciously inserted in the story, the flow automatically disrupts. So, try to not put any conscious effort in drawing the world; the world makes itself, in my humble opinion.

Anyways, as I said before, I'm not a huge fan of fiction therefore don't take my opinions to heart. If you think that my opinions may polish the style you already wield then take them. If they contradict your style, pay no heed. It is your own style that you should polish ultimately and it is best if it retains your essence at the end of all filtering.


message 5: by Nagwa (new)

Nagwa Malik (nagwamalik) | 88 comments Arkane wrote: "Greetings to all and every soul and heart. I will not trouble you readers and writers with my nonsense. It is the nature of human beings to feel excited when they create something or the other, the..."
Hi,
Congratulations for successfully having written the short story...I know the feeling of dread and excitement one feels after accomplishing such a feat. Best of luck.


message 6: by Arkane (new)

Arkane | 8 comments Genio wrote: "You're welcome. The pleasure was all mine. I learnt something, so I'm in your debt.

As for the world-building through sentences - in my opinion, you should, if it fits your style because everyone ..."


I totally agree with you. This story had that same element before I edited it because some of the readers said that it was vague, that they weren't certain if the narrator was in the real world or not. I too believe that by describing a scene, the feeling and flow of the prose disrupts.
And this was my first story, too so I will take your and my other reader's advice and try to improve :)


message 7: by Arkane (new)

Arkane | 8 comments Nagwa wrote: "Hi,
Congratulations for successfully having written the short story...I know the feeling of dread and excitement one feels after accomplishing such a feat....."


Thank you, Nagwa. I really appreciate your reading my story. It is true, humans have the tendency to feel too much excited even after a small accomplishment.

Thanks again :)


message 8: by [deleted user] (last edited Dec 08, 2015 04:12PM) (new)

A story well woven with the colorful threads of words. I enjoyed reading every part of it.


message 9: by Arkane (new)

Arkane | 8 comments Abdul Mannan wrote: "A story well weaved by the colorful threads of words. I enjoyed reading every part of it."

Thank you, Abdul Mannan, for reading, I really appreciate it :)


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