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Authors Seeking FREE Betas > 5 Chapters of New Adult/Action/Adventure Superhero Book

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message 1: by Jordan (new)

Jordan Nunziato (jordannunziato) | 5 comments Hello! My name is Jordan Nunziato, and my book is entitled The Red Owl.

Brief Summary:
When David Eisner's father was killed in a car accident, his mother blamed him and turned to an extremely addictive drug call "thrash". This broke David's heart as they were once so close. She became immersed in the drug scene of High City, and, under the influence of the drug, put David through hell. At this time, David has gained a faithful friend in a red owl whom he calls "Kal" after his idol Superman. When she and her drug dealer boyfriend, Isaac, (who is his best friend Hannah's father), attempt to hoard drug money from the insidious drug lord "The Boss", they are murdered, leaving David stranded alone. Shortly thereafter, he is adopted by the Blacers: a very wealthy family. At his new school, David discovers that Hannah was also adopted by a wealthy family and goes to the same school. David also meets Sam Greystone, an easily-angered boy who's obsessed with science, and with whom Hannah is quite enamored. Barbara Blacer tells David that her father was a trained samurai who trained her. And after David saves Hannah from being kidnapped by the thrash-pusher Seamus, Barbara sees a warrior within him. She presents him with her father's katanas and offers to train him. Seven years later, David has become a samurai warrior, and lurks the streets for thrash-pushers under the alias The Red Owl. After finding out the identity of The Boss, The Red Owl confronts him, and there's all out war. The Red Owl takes him down, but it's not without consequence. He's badly injured, and seeks the help of Hannah, who's now a medical student. Their feelings emerge, and they kiss. Sam, who has worked on his anger issues, sees this and becomes filled with rage and lusts for vengeance. He equips himself with some of the dangerous gadgets he's been working on and attempts to kill David. In his rage, he kills Hannah. David now mad with grief, disables his weapons, and throws him from atop a lift bridge into the High City Canal... Grief-stricken, David retires to his quarters Downtown, and there he stays for some time.

Please let me know if you can read the first 5 chapters!

Thank you!

- Jordan

message 2: by M. K (last edited Dec 04, 2015 09:25AM) (new)

M. K | 7 comments I giggled at "High City". Sorry, but there are some problems with you summary.

"Barbara Blacer", you forgot introducing her.

I don't want to hurt you or anything, just want to honestly share with you what I think. The plot sounds very generic. In fact, the part about David going after drug dealers and The Boss sounds a lot like DareDevil going against Kingpin.

There is another problem with the story. From my perspective, David would be very likely to choose to grow up like a normal kid. Why do I think so? Two reasons:

1. The loss he suffered (his mom's death) does not sound convincing enough for a person to become a vigilante. In the real world, a lot of kids suffer the death of their parents to the hands of criminals, instead of becoming super-hero-samurai or Batman, they more likely choose to become a normal citizen, working their way up and leaving their past behind. Some don't make it, but still no Batman.

2. He was adopted by a wealthy family. Wealthy kids usually receive very good education. And since David seems to be a good kid, there is a high chance that he will become a lawyer, doctor, university professor, engineer rather than a swordsman.

Another problem: two conflicts: The Boss, and the death of Hannah
Having many conflicts in a story is not a strange thing or something you should not do, but having two MAIN/PILLAR conflicts is a no no. One tree and as many branches as you want. But two trees? =>Problem.

While the readers are following David on his quest for vengence, suddenly, Mr Sam appears and interupts not only the love but also the flow of the story. Poker face. And he attempted to kill them because he wanted to revenge? Revenge what? Since when he lost something to David? What kind of bad deed did David do to Sam? Why? Don't get me wrong, it's fine to have Sam kill the lady, but you'd better have a damn find reason for that.

He should (attempt to) kill them out of jealousy, because he was a beast craving for her beauty. He asked, he begged, he cried but still she rejected him because he was such a manipulative asshole. That made him mad, very very mad. Years after years, night after night, the sadness, the lust and the anger, layer upon layer, they skinned his sanity, chewed into his marrow, ate away his soul, leaving nothing but a bloody beast behind, a killer in disgust whose existence served one and one purpose only: to take her from David.

And may I ask, who is the villian? The Boss (very generic name, sound more like a badass guy than a bad guy), or Sam, or both? If both, they should work on the same team? Also, do you intend to give Mr Sam a chance to redeem himself? Or did he just...die in the Canal?

Anyway, I wish you luck with your novel. Forgive my English, not my native language.

message 3: by Jordan (new)

Jordan Nunziato (jordannunziato) | 5 comments Hey, M. Kirby,
Thank you so much for your critique of my very brief summary.

I'll start with Barbara Blacer: she is his adoptive mother.

Okay, so, when his mother is in the midst of dying, the light in her eyes returns as she looks up at him, and she tells him she loves him for the first time in a long while. He vows to avenge whoever was behind this. So, that's your motivator. Over time, however, David, with all that happens with adoption and whatnot, he forgets about it. But it all comes back when Seamus kidnaps Isaac's daughter (a former drug dealer). He's then faced with a choice, to either forget about his vow and let Hannah go, or take control of the situation and go after her. The decision to save her is the catalyst.

His adoptive family is a bit of dichotomy of sheltered wealth vs. real-world hardship. Barbara, who was raised by a PTSD-riddled ex-warrior, grew up with her childhood almost stripped from her as she was forced to train. George, her husband, is more of the sheltered boy. They tried to have children for years, but couldn't. David was a kind of miracle situation for them. She loved him instantly. After the incident with Hannah, she was terrified for his life, so she decided to use her knowledge to train him in self-defense. It was David's decision to use the knowledge to hunt down the man who killed his mother.

Next: Sam and Hannah have grown up together and love each other. They even move in together and talk marriage. There has always been something chemical between David and Hannah though. They have been friends since they were small children, and faced horrible atrocities together. Sam has an over-bearing, volatile mother who obsesses about her child's success in science. It drives him mad as a child and forces him to be aggressive in life. But, he learns to better control this anger, and the friendship blossoms between David and him are a major factor in that. When he witnesses the betrayal in the kiss, all is undone, and he reaches a critical mass of rage and tries to kill David. Hannah is collateral damage in the exchange. Sam does not die. He returns in the next book.

Lastly, The Boss, the drug lord, is actually the leader of a Congo cartel named Akachi Femi. I expose all of this in the book, his background, everything. After the final battle which sees Femi killed, the feud between Sam and David happens as almost a post-script which leads into the events of the next book.

I hope this helps, and I hope you'll consider reading what I have.


- Jordan

message 4: by Sierra (new)

Sierra  (sierravl) | 20 comments i'd be interested in reading what you have so far. send it to my email

message 5: by Jordan (new)

Jordan Nunziato (jordannunziato) | 5 comments Thank you, Sierra! I'll send it over shortly.

message 6: by Sierra (new)

Sierra  (sierravl) | 20 comments sounds good

message 7: by Jordan (new)

Jordan Nunziato (jordannunziato) | 5 comments Hi, Sierra,

Would it be possible for me to send you my entire manuscript thus far? It's about 52k words and 20 chaps.

Let me know - thanks!

- j

message 8: by Sierra (new)

Sierra  (sierravl) | 20 comments Sure :)

message 9: by Jordan (new)

Jordan Nunziato (jordannunziato) | 5 comments Hi, Sierra,

I'm just making some tweaks. I'll send it within the next couple of days.


- j

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