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message 1: by Ilana (last edited May 20, 2010 05:36AM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Hi everyone, I'm Ilana! I homeschool, I'm sixteen and I love to read and write. I started writing when I was about nine years old and until recently never actually finished anything I wrote. I don't think any of the early things I wrote are worth looking at anyway. I scare myself a little when I look at some of them, because I seemed to think I was a lot older than I was. I sure hope I don't have that problem now...
I love when people read my writing, and I think readers' support is what has helped me finish some short stories and poems.

Random facts:

1) I spend WAY too much time on the computer. Sadly this group has not been helping...
2) I love summer and do not like winter AT ALL
3) I read A LOT
4) I tried out school once and it didn't work for me really; I have decided that I don't like the school system
5) I like milk chocolate better than dark chocolate
6) I love music and write better listening to it
7) I have barely anything in common with my best friend (she doesn't really read anything except manga...)
8) I sink into depression when I don't read
9) Rainy days suck in my very knowledgeable opinion, but thunder storms are cool.
10) I went to Disney World last September and REALLY want to go back. I miss it...
11) I have 3 sisters and 1 little brother
12) I do believe in fairies! (lol)

Some of my favorite authors are Cassandra Clare, Tamora Pierce, Gail Carson Levine, J.K. Rowling, L.A. Meyer, Holly Black and Cornelia Funke.

Some of my favorite music is almost all Disney music (I'm weird, I know), P!nk, Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Avril Lavigne (not really the newest CD), Katy Perry, Lady GaGa, soundtracks from the Miyazaki movies and the soundtrack from Anastasia (it's not Disney, but seems like it could be).

Though I would love to read and give feedback all the time on this group, I can't, because, as I said above, I spend too much of my time on the computer and I really shouldn't. It's summer, and I should be outside (yeah right...). I just learned to drive and got my permit, but drivers ed is SO MUCH money.... :(

Here is my story. Please read and give suggestions. Tell me what you think, it would be a huge help. It's callled Rain. Thanks for reading! :) http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 2: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
wow we have many things in common ;D i am also sixteen ... i'm not homeschooled, but i wish i was cuz i kinda hate my school. :P lol! omg, that happens to me too when i read the stuff i wrote when i was younger! i'm like O_o wow ... some of it is pretty morbid. lol! i agree that readers on goodreads have really helped me finish my books. XD

omg, i spend way too much time on the computer also. lol

i also love summer and hate winter! hey ... do you live in massachusetts too? not to sound like a creepy stalker, but i thought i saw it on your profile ... lol XD yeah, i hate the weather around here.

ooh i don't think i'd be able to choose b/tw milk chocolate and dark chocolate. :P *drools*

i also love music and read a lot ... :D

omg! i also have five siblings! :) only i have 3 sisters and 2 brothers XD

haha cassandra clare rox!! so do tamora pierce and gail carson levine ;D

ooh i also luv Disney music (no, you're not weird unless i'm weird too!), P!nk, Fall Out Boy, PATD, Avril Lavigne, Lady GaGa, Miyazaki movies/music, and Anastasia (omg i hate when ppl say Anastasia is a Disney movie. IT'S NOT! lol.)

gah haha i haven't gotten my permit yet ... i should get around to doing that. :P

yay! :D i will have to catch up on reading your story XD


message 3: by Ilana (last edited Jul 18, 2009 11:55AM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments I do live in MA as a matter a fact. Winter sucks around here. XD
Oh, and I made a mistake, I only have 3 sisters, I'll have to edit that... :] I guess I accidently counted myself. Heheh.

And from what I heard before, our mom's are our editors and we both write fantasy. It's pretty cool how much we have in common.

I'll make sure i make time to read your stories too. At least the ones posted on goodreads.


message 4: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
haha ik, right?? blah. new england. XD
ohhh okay. well i really do have five siblings ... lol!
yup! moms as editors. fantasy. YAY! :D
hehe thanks!


message 5: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments No problem!


message 6: by Ilana (last edited Sep 03, 2009 07:41PM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments I just saw the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince movie! It's my favorite of the HP movies! I loved it.
It was so funny sometimes, and sometimes very sad. I felt bad for Malfoy, even though I find him very unattractive and the movie made him seem even more self-centered than the book because they never mentioned the threat to his family's life as well as his.


message 7: by Ilana (last edited Jul 18, 2009 11:54AM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments

Pretty picture that I like a lot. Reminds me of my story. I love pretty pictures.


message 8: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments I have an addiction to Kettle Corn...
And I finished chapter four!!
PLEASE READ! I need feedback! Do you like the characters? Does everything make sense? Is the "chosen one" thing terribly overused, or did I have a unique enough story that it works? Is it okay that Rain thinks so little of herself, or is it too much? What about the scene with Nicco? Did it work? HELP!


message 9: by Ilana (last edited Jul 28, 2009 10:36AM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments CHAPTER FIVE!

I need some help, please! This is a first draft only. What should I do? It needs so much editing...


message 10: by Paige (last edited Aug 01, 2009 02:41PM) (new)

Paige (anauthor) Hi Ilana, I read your story, Rain, and I commented on your writing in it. That is a wonderful start to what I see being an excellent fantasy story. It captured my attention right at the beginning and kept me going throughout the first chapters. I can't wait to read more!


message 11: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Thanks!


Maria [the clockwork creeps on useless lives] (mariachhile) | 8772 comments Mod
Ilana wrote: "I need people to read! Please?! :( I can email the newest version to anyone who wants it, since editing the goodreads version is a pain. PLEASE!!"

Email it to me please! My email is ponchomia@comcast.net!


message 13: by Ilana (last edited Sep 03, 2009 07:42PM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments I'm really bored, and for some reason I can't write when I'm bored... :(


message 14: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Here's the link to my NaNoWriMo page! There is the synopsis of the story I'll be writing and the awesome cover Brigid made for it. She is amazing. :D
http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/495412


message 15: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
:D awesome!!! haha yaaay you used my cover art! XD


message 16: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments It so hot out! D:

Does anyone want to help me with the prologue I'm working on?


message 17: by Oceanwaves (new)

Oceanwaves (oceanwavesheartsoul) | 471 comments I can, if it's okay!


message 18: by Niki (new)

Niki | 2381 comments Me too. What is it about?


message 19: by Ilana (last edited Sep 03, 2009 07:55PM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Here it is, tell me if it works as a prologue.

He always knew there was a secret: something important about his parents that he didn’t know. Nicco questioned his grandfather a few times. He said Nicco’s mother had told him nothing, not even about his birth. It wasn’t until she brought her child to his house at age six and begged him to take care of the boy that he knew of his existence. That was right before his parents disappeared forever. He knew they died, or they wouldn’t have left him, but for years Grandfather told him that they would come back.

As soon as Nicco was old enough, he went to live in the palace and spent his childhood training persistently to become the best soldier in ShunLing’s army. He had always wanted to be a soldier like his father.

Nicco’s grandfather disliked the emperor for banishing him. ShunLing was convinced his grandfather would plot against him because he used to be the previous emperor’s advisor and he had been faithful to him when ShunLing took over. Nicco grew impatient with his grandfather’s protests against the war. Eventually he stopped visiting the old man in the city.

By the time Nicco was sixteen, he could beat every soldier in the palace during practice. He was faster than the older men and stronger than the younger ones. He knew how to kill and how to knock someone out so that he didn’t have to. That year, the emperor accepted him in the Royal Guard.

For two years he worked as a guard, and though it was an honor to work in the emperor’s palace, he wanted to be part of the war, to get a chance to actually fight. He went to the emperor asking to join his army.

In the emperor’s audience room, one of the biggest rooms in the palace, he bowed before ShunLing with his head touching the marble floor.

Under ShunLing’s scrutiny Nicco tensed. He felt like the emperor’s eyes were burning holes into him. After ShunLing allowed him to rise, he noticed the amusement in the ruler’s gaze.

“Why do you want to fight so badly?” ShunLing asked Nicco.

“To avenge my parents,” he said resolutely, standing taller. He looked over the emperor’s shoulder instead of straight at him. The room felt cold.

“Oh?” the emperor said. “And who were your parents?”

Nicco told him their names.

The man’s eyes filled with false sympathy. “You think the Tayamarans killed your parents, boy?” ShunLing asked. His tone was rueful, but humor still flickered in his eyes.

Nicco said nothing.

“You’re wrong,” the emperor told him. “You’re parents were filthy traitors, not loyal to me as you are. I killed them myself.”

From somewhere deep inside of him, anger was slipping out. He fought to keep it in and stayed silent.

“You would never betray me like they did, would you?” ShunLing asked the boy, as though he thought such a thing was preposterous.

“No, never,” he lied, keeping his voice carefully placid.

“Good,” the emperor said, relaxing back into his throne with a pleased expression. “You will remain in the Guard.”



Less than a week later, Nicco saw the girl. She had stolen something from Emperor ShunLing, and it was still missing. He couldn’t remember what it was, or if he had ever known. They tortured her, partly to try and find where the treasure was, but mostly because of the ruthlessness Nicco hadn’t noticed before. The slaves, and even the Kreonan servants, were treated like animals. The nobles and the rich looked down on everyone below their class, and the Royal Guard picked on the pretty girls because they could get away with it. No one cared about the weak or powerless.

As the girl was dragged down the corridor, almost unconscious, Nicco had a weird feeling, as if he wanted to protect her, even though it was obviously too late. She was already covered in bruises and blood was still oozing from cuts all over here pale skin. He wasn’t sure if they planned on killing her. It would not have surprised him.

Nicco asked himself, as he had been for days, why he was still serving ShunLing. And there were other questions that haunted him. Why had the emperor allowed a traitors’ son to work in the palace? Why had he gone without punishment?

But really Nicco knew why ShunLing acted so trusting. He was not used to people standing up to him. He thought Nicco would be too scared to act against him, especially when he told him what had happened to his parents. Emperor ShunLing loved toying with the lives of the people around him. He wanted Nicco to grow up thinking he was a great ruler, someone to fight for. Now he just felt betrayed, not only by the emperor, but by himself and his whole country. Waiting until now to tell Nicco of his parents past had ripped everything he believed in out from under him.

Nicco decided then to leave the palace; maybe even leave Kreona. He would find a way to slip away unnoticed, and when he did, he would take the girl with him.


message 20: by Ilana (last edited Sep 03, 2009 07:47PM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Flashback from Rain

People were screaming. I could see fire through the windows, lighting up the darkness. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I just stared, wide eyed, at the destruction of Sorra Valley. My home.

“It will be okay, Rain. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine,” my mother whispered. I clung to her skirts, listening to her comforting words.

Even then I knew that they were not true. Her voice was strained. She was hiding the pain I saw clearly in her eyes. Father was out there. I had seen him run out of the safety of the temple. He was trying to protect us, to save the valley. I somehow knew I would never see him again.

How was I not crying? I could feel the panic and sadness overflowing out of every pore, and yet my eyes where somehow dry.

“Mommy?” I asked.

“Shh, love. We have to be quiet.”

Ignoring what she said, I asked, “Who are they?”

“Soldiers. It’s the Kreonan army, Rain.”

“Will they kill us?” I asked.

“No. You will not die, Rain. I won’t let that happen.”

“What about you, Mommy?”

She didn’t answer.

That’s when the tears came. She was going to leave me. Like Father. I could feel it, and it hurt.

“Rain, look at me,” my mother said softly.

Her face was streaked with tears, just like mine. She reached over her head and took off her amulet. The fire from our burning valley shone off of the crystal. She slipped the chain around my neck and it hung there, heavy against my chest.

“Keep this safe for me, okay?”

I nodded, speechless.

“I need you to hide for me, Rain. Go to the sanctuary and get in one of the big cabinets there. Will you do that?”

“Without you?” I asked.

“Yes, baby, without me. You can do it.”

And so I ran. And behind me the temple door was thrown open with a loud crash.



message 21: by Niki (new)

Niki | 2381 comments Wow. It was really powerful. I would suggest deleting the last sentance, unless it's really necessary. It would be more of a punch if you ended it with "And so I ran."


message 22: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Ok, good idea. :)


message 23: by Niki (new)

Niki | 2381 comments Anytime.


message 24: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments What do people think of me making my nano novel a spin off of a bunch of fairytales? For instance, have Mirdadrod be a little like Oz, Wonderland and Neverland and have millians of references to Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Snow White, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Little Red Riding Hood, etc.

I think it will be a lot of fun. Which is kinda the point of NaNoWriMo, right? I don't have to do anything with it later.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas for random things to reference to? So far I have someone losing their voice, someone in an enchanted sleep, a crazy cat under a curse, a neverending tea party, a wardrobe portal, a frog prince, 3 princesses, evil mermaids, possibly pirates, a red hood...


message 25: by Ilana (last edited Aug 26, 2009 09:47PM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments I have some flashbacks I want feedback on.

One:

During my second week in Kreona I met Therith. Before that, I had been alone and miserable. I had learned to hide my tears, for it was a sign of weakness. I saw what happened to the other little girls that didn’t work hard enough or got in the way. They would have bruises and sometimes they limped for days. Therith was one of the smaller ones, and I knew she had come from a rich family, since she had no experience working and got beaten regularly. I had never come to her defense. There was no point. I would just get beaten as well if I tried to protect any of them. But even then, when I was small, I wanted to help them. Somehow.


Therith was crying, late at night when no one could see her. But I heard it. The quiet sobs woke me, and I crawled over to her corner of the dark room. The slaves’ sleeping quarters were not large; they almost reminded me of the storage sheds in Sorra Valley.

I reached out tentatively and put my hand on Therith’s arm.

“What’s your name?” I asked her in a whisper.

I saw only the silhouette of her head and shoulders, but I knew she was looking at me. Her sobbing had quieted.

Her voice was so faint I barely heard it.

From that day on, if a hand was raised against her, I had a majority of the bruises later. I worked twice as hard as she did to make up for her slowness, even with all my aches and pains. I’m not sure Therith would have survived the palace without me, but I knew that without her I would have lost the little strength I had.


Two:

Blood pooled on ground, soaking into the dirt in dark red splotches. I wasn’t sure whose it was. I had stabbed the man with his dagger. I was screaming, but you couldn’t hear it anymore. The sound had disappeared, just like the warmth in the body I held to my chest. I was no longer breathing, like my sobs had risen up and stolen the air from my lungs.

She wasn’t breathing either. She would never breathe again.

Therith’s neck looked purple with bruises and her skin was turning a sickly gray. Her eyes were dull, staring blankly up at the dark sky. My face was buried in her mane of golden curls.

Painfully, I sucked in a much air as I could and yelled into the emptiness around me, trying to call her back from wherever she had gone and left me behind. Screaming my denial and hatred.

I hated the Kreonans for not caring what happened to their worthless slaves. I hated the filthy man who dragged helpless girls off into the trees so no one would hear them scream. I hated him for laughing at me when I slashed out at him with his weapon, making crimson blood spurt out of him as I broke the skin. I hated that he would live.

I had been too late.



message 26: by Acacia (new)

Acacia (acaciaa) Ilana, those are so amazing. I especially love the second one!!


message 27: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Thanks! Do you think they need any more detail or explaination or are they good?


message 28: by Acacia (new)

Acacia (acaciaa) No, they're great!


message 29: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Yay! I'm so happy!


message 30: by Acacia (new)

Acacia (acaciaa) Ilana wrote: "Yay! I'm so happy!"

:D Any time. *tips invisible hat*


message 31: by [deleted user] (new)

Those are so awesome!


message 32: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Thank you. :)


message 33: by ♫♪Kristenn҉ (last edited Aug 27, 2009 08:26AM) (new)

♫♪Kristenn҉ (9533808008) | 18 comments I love them both. : P


message 34: by Ilana (last edited Sep 03, 2009 07:56PM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments I just added chapter six and part of chapter 7!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 35: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments I also changed the prologue that I posted above into third person. It is better now?


message 36: by Dana (new)

Dana Salman Haha, lol, I love Disney music too! (and I'm not just talking about Hannah Montanna and all that crap)


message 37: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Me neither, lol. Hannah Montana is not my thing. I did like Miley's song "The Climb", though. I hate her new single. Ick.


message 38: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Chapter seven is finished!
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 39: by Dana (new)

Dana Salman Ilana wrote: "Me neither, lol. Hannah Montana is not my thing. I did like Miley's song "The Climb", though. I hate her new single. Ick."


Yeah, I loved that one. it's kinda...powerful



message 40: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Yeah, kinda.


message 41: by ♫♪Kristenn҉ (last edited Sep 08, 2009 01:24PM) (new)

♫♪Kristenn҉ (9533808008) | 18 comments Ilana wrote: "Chapter seven is finished!
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3..."


It's really good. ; D


message 42: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Thanks!


message 43: by Ilana (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Um... I'm wondering if I was the one who put my title as "The Crazy One". It is entirely possible, but I don't recall.


message 44: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
I didn't do it.


message 45: by Keyanah (new)

Keyanah (drizzleherb-peacelover) | 153 comments lol, okay then, Brigid! :D


message 46: by Niki (new)

Niki | 2381 comments Ilana wrote: "Um... I'm wondering if I was the one who put my title as "The Crazy One". It is entirely possible, but I don't recall."

It was me, I believe.


message 47: by Ilana (last edited Nov 14, 2009 06:57PM) (new)

Ilana (ilanashayn) | 313 comments Why thank you, Holly. I am flattered. What happened to me being the queen, though? I mean, Brigid gets to be a goddess! (Plus, I am not the only crazy mod in this group.)


message 48: by Hannah (new)

Hannah | 954 comments XD


message 49: by Brigid ✩, No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. (new)

Brigid ✩ | 11973 comments Mod
Ilana wrote: "Why thank you, Holly. I am flattered. What happened to me being the queen, though? I mean, Brigid gets to be a goddess! (Plus, I am not the only crazy mod of this group.)"

My sister says that "The Cover Goddess" sounds like the name of a porn model … and now that I think about it, it kind of does O_o lol


message 50: by Acacia (new)

Acacia (acaciaa) HAHA! Brigid. XD


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