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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query letter for an adventure novel. (Much needed help)
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Query help is hard. Check out Agent Query Connect :http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.ph...
it is one of those things were you are going to have to read a lot of other peoples query's and comment, and get feedback in return to improve.
Also make sure you look at blogs like Query shark : http://queryshark.blogspot.com/
an amazing resource on how to properly structure and write querys.
Right now, this is a little "wordy" with some run on sentences. You have the hook combined with the title and word count, which is not proper structure. Your last paragraph would be considered "unnecessary". And your middle paragraph, the most important one, has way too many generalities. (people she knows have gone missing. join the others.) Also watch grammar/wording issues.
Hi Gala, I’d be more than happy to suggest changes. Below are the parts of your draft query that confused me and the specific questions I had about them.- “Protection program for high-client criminals fugitives”—Are these rich crooks and this agency helps them to do what exactly? House them in a secured location? Set them up with bodyguards? Relocate with a new identity?
- “People she knows have gone missing”—Is this just her family or are there more people missing? And are they random victims or do all the missing people share some characteristic? Since there doesn’t seem to be any ransom demands, does she have any idea why her family was targeted?
- “The criminals, since they’re only ones willing to help”—A crime syndicate is a business so unless she is willing to do something or has something of value to them, I don’t understand why they would be willing to help for free.
- “Concealing her new position in a criminal company becomes more than difficult” “The ends don’t justify the means”—What’s causing this moral conflict? Is she doing something morally reprehensible or is she finding that once in, she can’t leave the protection agency? What does she do for Lane and why would it be hard to conceal?
Thank you so much the feedback and the links. It was all so helpful.
Query Letter:
When Haley Zane has no options left to find her missing family said to be taken by an unknown criminal, she turns to join a criminal enterprise that runs a protection program for high-client criminals fugitives. This story, set the fiction city of Venton runs for 53 000 words. The target audience is set for action and adventure readers. Readers may have also enjoyed all these things I've done by Gabrielle zevin.
Haley usually let's things be what they may. Recent events push her to change the way she thinks. People she knows have gone missing. The only option left, with the police hardly helping, is to join the others. The criminals, since they're only ones willing to help. Robertson Lane, the founder of his own criminal enterprise, manages to make the experince more than enticing in his own charismatic way. He owns a criminal protection agency. This is fitting for Haley to find the unknown who took her family. Things completely bad aren't always--and things completely good don't exist. Only in her second year at her local university, Haley has a full life with a job to add on it. Concealing her new position in a criminal company becomes more than difficult. Though this all to find her missing family, one thing someone always told her nags in the back her mind: the ends don't justify the means.
I'm an avid reader who's always enjoyed novels that bring up new ideas that haven't been explored yet. Some of my favorite novels, Feed by M.T. Anderson and Lee Child's Jack Reader have instilled great inspiration for my characters. I hope you will be just as interested and excited about exploring this new criminal company. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Gala Motlhatlhedi