Just an Intro to a Story (Feedback?)

[Sergio]

It was late, or early. I forget the difference sometimes. I could feel the cold night air gently breathing down my neck. The neon lights illuminated the streets; they glistened off the wet pavement below, glowing like stars bringing those around them to their warmth. How can anyone sleep around here? The stale scent of sweat filled the air. These walks through the pleasure district had become more commonplace since I was moved to (Sector 3). I had started to become accustomed to the sights and sounds of the pleasure district; the muffled out music coming out of the buildings, the large crowds, the overwhelming smell of alcohol and tobacco. I guess it only made sense; this was the playground of the repressed. The last sanctuary for man’s animalistic needs. I had always kept away from places like this, but since I was relocated I had no other choice but to cross through the pleasure district every night.

It had been raining earlier that night, so I was in a hurry to get back home since I did not have any kind of jacket or sweater to keep me warm. This task became increasingly difficult as I found myself walking against a current of people rushing towards the bright beacons. The hungry animals craving the flesh of their next victim, caving under their instincts. I kept my eyes to the ground and walked forward, unapologetic of the people I bumped into. I kept my focus on the music I could make out as I walked past each building, I would mumble along to the lyrics of the songs I could make out for long enough to know what they were saying.

[Brady]

Looks like a good start to me! Nice job of using description to paint the scene, you obviously know your way around words. I found just a couple of minor problems:

"the muffled out music coming out of the buildings"

This phrase feels kind of awkward. I would maybe get rid of the word "out" because if music is "muffled" you don't naturally see it "coming out" of anything. You could change it to be something like:
The dull throb of music muffled by the thin walls of the buildings..."

Finally, your last sentence is a bit of a run-on sentence and could be shortened or transformed into 2 or 3 sentences to make it easier to read and understand. Maybe something to this effect:
"I kept my focus on the music as I walked past each building, mumbling along to the lyrics of the songs that I could make out.

Hope that was helpful, and good luck with your story. As I said, it looks like you're off to a good start.

[Diana]

Great start! Your descriptions are vivid without being over the top. I do have to second both the suggestions Brandy gave, as they were the same problems I saw. Over all though, it's really quite good and I'm curious now as to why your character has been relocated involuntarily and what sector 3 is. You've grabbed the attention, no run with it.

[Sergio]

Thanks a lot guys I know it's been a while but the revised piece is coming along and the follow up to it as well :)

[Anna]

Not bad. You draw the reader in with detailed descriptions.

Try to use a more active voice: "since I was moved", "since I was relocated" - take out was in both cases. It flows better. Or another example: "so I was in a hurry to get back home" takes the reader right out of the story. "I hurried home" keeps us in the moment rather than telling us what was happening, if that makes sense. Good luck!

[Janosch]

Fully agree with what the others said. I like it too :)


Brady gave some valuable feedback. You guys know a lot about writing. I should post here too.