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Alice's Wings > Kat among the pigeons - Chapter 3

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message 1: by Amy (new)

Amy Of Tarth | 129 comments Hey guys, if you're actually still reading this. Feel free to comment, would be much appreciated.

message 2: by Amy (new)

Amy Of Tarth | 129 comments Chapter 3 - Loose Lips Sinks Ships
They probably think there's something wrong with me; hurtling towards the ground at who knows how many metres per second, and I'm not screaming. Silent. Frozen as the silent stars go by. Fear. It does strange things to people. But they're right. There probably is something wrong with me

The net hits me. Hard. And I just lie there in a trance, releasing a long staggering breath. Light streams down in flickers and I can make out profiles of the others leaning over the roof. I let out a manic laugh inside my head, my vocal chords still too twisted to allow me to speak. I'd jumped. I'd actually jumped.

"You alive up there?" I hear someone shout up to me, followed by a short laugh from a different direction. I twist onto my side before getting up, pinpricks across my back. The net is difficult to walk across, but I manage - I've had worse - and drop up the floor, ignoring the calloused hand reaching to help me. Everything comes with price. And I don't want that price.

Looking down on me is a young man, scrutinising, and I can tell he is hot despite my Abnegationanity, but I don't like him, not in that way. His gaze drifts over my bruised face, taking in its cuts and colour, and opens his mouth to speak -
"Did you fall Stiff?" A shout comes from the same direction as the laugh.
"Shut up, Alec. " the man in front of me calls back, his mouth twitching. Then to me, voice lower, still loud
"Why did you jump?"
I glance up at his heavily guarded face, then down again. Quickly. Surprised. He'd said jump, not fall; but I had jumped. So that was only right. My hands twist themselves together, agitated.
"Erm... Well, I guess... because no one else wanted to, and I figured that you wouldn't want to kill all your new initiates, especially the bravest who would probably go first..." I trail off, worried about his reaction to my cowardice. "And... I thought that I might as well start facing my fear now, rather than later. "

I risk a glance up and am surprised by his irises. The coloured pigment of the eye which refuses to let light pass through. They're dark, really dark blue, with a lighter section closer to the pupil. Like mine.

"Heights?" He asks, referring to my fear.
"Aren't they the same?" The guy, Alec, shouts again and I turn towards him.
"No." The voice rings out at the same time as mind, and I look at him, curious. He just shrugs.

I wait for him to tell me what to do, but instead his hand reaches forward. I shrink back, afraid. For a moment I see him as Marcus. See Marcus in a place be cannot be. Or maybe it's the contact with another human I'm afraid of. His hand brushes my hair lightly, despite my obvious reaction.
"What reason does an Abnegation have for wearing an Erudite clip?" His voice is detached, but his question nearly stops my heart, my hand reaching for the little blue grip pinning my fringe back.
"No reason. " His disbelief is clear. Maybe it's not just Marcus who sees me as a window.
"What's your name?"
My breathing's fast now, uneven, and I just shrug, tearing my eyes away from his piercing gaze. I will need to warn my friends I'm not telling this guy my name, however anonymous it may be.
"Who are your parents?" His voice stern now, almost angry. I wonder how many disrespectful Abnegations he's had to deal with.
"No one important. " It comes out too high, and he looks at me almost funnily. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have.
"I'll take that as a 'yes, my parents are important people who you probably know. '"
He frowns, piecing it together. Hands twist. I hope it breaks apart.
"Jeanine Matthews. " I fail at trying not to react, the hands trembling. " and..." He shakes his head, attempting to ward off unwanted thoughts.

Extending his hand, bruises patch the knuckles.
"I'm Four. I'll be your instructor. "
I take it, gingerly, not wanting to squeeze too hard, or hold on for too long. The gesture seems foreign to him too; seeming uncomfortable. Lifting my hand in the air,
"First Jumper!" Cheering erupts from the shadows as a screeching Dauntless-born crashes into the net.

message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Official feedback:

This was better than the last two in my opinion. The description is good enough but I repeat the important of slightly more details: emotions, environment, describe them. I'm not saying write an essay, just provide a good believable scenario.

There was a few punctuation mistakes and grammar mistakes. I'll be happy to correct them if you want.

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