Writer's Aid discussion

Alice's Wings > Kay among the pigeons - Chapter 2

Comments Showing 1-3 of 3 (3 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Amy (new)

Amy Of Tarth | 129 comments Feel free to comment guys. :)

message 2: by Amy (new)

Amy Of Tarth | 129 comments Chapter 2 - Blood
The wall is grey. The pain red. Red and Black. I turn, pain searing my back; grey bodice sticking. Sitting up causes the room to spin, stomach biting at the flesh. Hunger. I don't need up check the lock to discover if I'm incarcerated. I already know.

The bleeding has stopped; now my back is missing strips of skin, of flesh. There's no need of a mirror to see the dark bruise forming on my jaw, the purple framing my eye. Attempting to breathe steady. I have nothing to aid my injuries other than my broken torn up mind. But it's just another night. Another night pretending I'm a ray of light. Instead, I know I'm a broken candle.

My watch tells me it's been 2 hours. Only 15 left until I have to choose. My breathing quickens, but I know what I've got to do; it will be fine. I set my alarm for 6.30; I will need to shower, and from previous experience I know it will take me a good half hour. Then I let the pain enclose me, and I fall again.

He walks me to the Hub. Early. That way no one will make the connection. The link. We take the stairs, like the selfless people we are, even though there's no one there to take the lift. Then we separate. No one can see us together, and I'd rather leave now.

I see her. Jeanine Matthews. Pale eyes icy, she nods; I look down. No eye contact, that's the best way; it doesn't anger the beast. I sit outside the door; waiting, waiting, waiting, before I go in. The room is half empty still, but navigation isn't that hard. Especially when Becky's waving at me and jumping up and down like a lunatic. Faith comes round too, and we hug. Us. The Golden Trio. It's the only thing that can enlighten me, show the light at the end of this tunnel. But that tunnel ends. Now.

Places taken. Me alone, waiting for eternity. Then he's on stage. Marcus. Followed by the first initiate; the next; the next. Ellie. Her lose tall, head high. Certain. Small cut, blood on the coals. Dauntless. I hear the sobs to my left, tears on the blue, but I don't turn. Nobody will cry for me.

Becky's up. Bounce in her step, brown hair tousled and restrained by an enormous bow. Yellow. The colour of sunshine; the colour if happiness. She chooses darkness all the same: Dauntless.

"Black, Amelia. " His eyes flicker. Anonymous name, anonymous me. It means almost nothing - almost - however it's still traceable. But I still get up, heart pounding, back in torment. Palm cut, eyes averted, I don't feel the pain. Not in my hand anyway. Windows stare at my injuries. The ones not hidden, on my face. I keep my windows down, so they can't see into my soul. The coals hiss.
New blood to kindle their fire.

He makes a threatening noise in the back of his throat, just loud enough for me to hear. A cross between a snarl and a shout. She merely stares. I look down, counting the scuffs on my boots, the hem of my dress fraying. Not watching the rest, I don't want to; I'd have to look up, look at him. The tired lines around his ears, the anger marks of his mouth. The tiny scar above his left eyebrow where someone once lashed back.
However, I do register the others choosing; my watch of grey tumbling to the floor. An act of defiance.

Regrouping is simple, we just look for the head above all heads. Lauren is virtually taller than anyone else in the room , so I run to her, to my friends; he can't hurt me there.
2 Candor, 1 Erudite, 1 Amity, 1 me. Now all Dauntless. Initiates. We laugh in triumph, running. Running with the rest. Pushed forward by the crowd, ignoring the pain as it throbs. The train expects us to jump on. I know it does; I'd seen them do it long before this day. I'm already running as the train comes into view. Already lifting myself in. The others follow, stumbling, grabbing. Lauren reaches out, her arms the longest, grabbing Becky by the wrist as her legs give way.

The platform ends in a crumbling mass twenty feet below, Becky still hanging out, so close to Death we can almost touch it, caress it, hold it dear. We pull. Four against one. Harder than it sounds, especially with gravity the opponent.

We all tumble back into the carriage, like a massive pile-on with Faith at the bottom. Laughing. Surely that experience would have anyone crying, showed beyond belief - were they trying to kill us? - but we just lie there laughing. Like a bunch of idiots as everyone stares at us.

I hear shouts from carriages further in front, my ears accustomed to noticing the slightest sound, the slightest movement, anything to give me a hint of the future; to prepare me. I perceive things about other people; not really knowing about myself. Like how Becky always blinks twice when she doesn't understand something, and the Dauntless girl in my English has a nervous twitch in her mouth.

I get up from my spot on the floor and peer out in front without explaining myself to the others, they know me well enough now to trust my instincts. I nearly fall out from what I can see: The Dauntless are jumping. Out of the train and onto the roof opposite, with a metre abyss in between.
"Er, guys?" I say, turning round "They're jumping off. "
All at once there's a stampede of elephants around me as they crane to see.
"What the fuck..." Faith's loud voice is clear above the high winds.
"We've got to as well then. " Ellie says in her non-nonsense way of Erudite.
"What if we fall?" Becky speaks up, and all at once, silence.
"We die. " I say when no one else answers.
"Then we better not. " Faith says so fiercely we're all laughing again.

The building's coming up now. Fast.
"Ready?" Ellie says, having determined the exact times we should all jump to gain the maximum chance of landing on the roof. Surviving.
"Go!" Lauren leaps, she has the farthest to go, but also the longest legs, so her chances are still fair. The train speeds on, and without waiting to see if she made it, Faith goes, then Becky. I nod at Ellie and she vaults too, leaving me to hurtle out after her, praying and hoping the building hadn't already ended; not that I doubted Ellie's superior intellect.
I sense the wind against my face, hear Faith's shout, feel like a bird, before my wings break and hit gravel.

Pain richots across my back in crashing tides, the flesh open again. But I'm already up and quickly running to the edge, trying not to go under; to drown.
There are three bodies. Three puddles of red. And three people who toyed with Death and lost. A lump forms in my throat. Dauntless - members and initiates alike - crowd round, and the new splashes of colour stifle sobs. The darkness don't, they're stronger than that. I attempt to conceal a sigh of relief. My friends are alive. For now.

"Initiates!" I swivel round into the glare of the sun, making out a silhouette against the sky. We jog over to the, I would say man, but up close he's not much older than us really. Tattoos dominate his strong neck, coiling round his wrist. Face pierced so many times he looks like a cyborg, but still young.

"My name's Eric. I'm one of the leaders of the Dauntless. And of you." He lets this sink in, casually stepping back onto the roof ledge as if it was no big deal, as if he'd done it multiple times before.
It was a big deal.
"Down there is your way into Dauntless. Fail to muster to courage to jump, and We. Don't. Want. You. " He steps down; the Dauntless were never ones for elaborate speeches, leaving space for us to see:
Nothing. I can see, nothing. Just a black abyss containing the unknown. Containing everything. Containing something. Everything consists of something. It was just the problem of figuring out what.

Eric takes centre stage again, piercing a glinting.
"Initiates have the honour of going first. " Teeth flash in the light, I can see the ones he's replaced.
"What's at the bottom?" Lauren wants to know. " I'm not jumping unless I know exactly what I'm getting myself into. " Her forehead glistens with swear and it looks like she's trying not to pass out. Eric turns his cold expression to her.
"Then I guess you'll never know. " Turning back to the rest of us, eyes smirking.
"Who's first?" Voice ringing out, only sound the wind. People around me look at the ground, shuffle awkwardly, minds work fast.
"Me. " I say a little louder than intentioned, stepping forward to glance over the edge before retreating.

Eric's expression is weird, almost curious.
"Hey Stiff. " a voice calls out, and I turn on my heel. " We all know you're not really brave, just being a Stiff because no one wants to fall first and you're so selfless. " He spits the last word, his taunt hanging in the air. And for once, I have the perfect comeback when it's needed, not 5 minutes later when I'm walking away.
"Hey, Jerk. " I call over to him. "Who says I'm gonna fall?"
I start running towards the edge,
"I'm gonna jump." And I throw myself into open-space.

message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Official feedback:

The writing is better, but I noticed grammar mistakes this time, so be careful of that. The details are too abrupt and short, so it confuses the readers and really sets of the balance of the pace. Attempt to detail it more smoothly and if you want, I could correct the grammar errors for you. :)

back to top