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message 1: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Hi!
I've just started writing and I'd love to know what you think of what I write.
English is my second language, so if I make mistakes of any sort please tell me to make it right.

message 2: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Chapter One
I felt hard cold ground , I moved my fingers and found grass on the ground. That didn’t make sense at all, as I was quite sure I had fallen asleep on my bed while writing. I decided to open my eyes.
As I did so, I became aware that I was lying near a row of bushes, turning my head I found a forest on my far left. I thought I must be dreaming, which at that time seemed to be the only plausible explanation. But I was to be proved wrong in a short while.
It was dark, no more than an hour after sunset. I stood up and turned to walk towards my right that I saw it. The magnificent ancient castle I always longed to be in, Hogwarts. There were a few lights on in the castle. I thought of the students and professors there ,which reminded me of something else on the grounds.
I turned around again and found Hagrid’s hut near the edge of the Forbidden Forest. I thought of going there, when I heard the sound of footsteps coming my way. It seemed to be coming from the greenhouses, but I couldn’t see anybody yet.
A few seconds passed and a rather short figure appeared. It was somebody with dark red hair, probably a girl. As the person came nearer I was able to recognize her, it was Diana.

message 3: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments It's Farsi. LOL

message 4: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Thanks. I'm from Iran, it's in the Middle East.

message 5: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Chapter Two
“Hello,” she greeted warmly. “Can you tell me the time?”
During the few seconds that took her to reach me, I tried to take in the strangeness of my dream. That was when I realized I couldn’t be dreaming. I was conscious of my surroundings and every tiny detail was too vivid to be a dream. I didn’t know whether to cry or scream with joy, then Diana started talking again.
“Are you alright?” she said. “You look a bit pale. You must be freezing, with only your robe on.”
I looked at my clothes, I was wearing a plain black robe on my jeans and T-shirt. I searched in my pockets and unbelievably found a long narrow stick of wood, a wand!
“Excuse me, can’t you talk?” asked Diana.
“Oh, sorry, this is a bit strange.” I replied. “You’re coming from remedial Herbology, aren’t you?”
“How do you know?” She asked suspiciously.
“Um…” I didn’t know what to say to make her trust me. I continued after some hesitation, “Somebody in the common room told me.”
She was still looking doubtful, so I tried a different approach. “I’m writing a paper on Gillyweed and I was wondering if you could give me some advice, one of the girls in my dorm said you helped her with her Charms essay. My name is Lucy, by the way.”
“I’m Diana,” she said with a smile. “I can give you a list of books tomorrow afternoon.”
“Great, thanks. Where are you going? Not the Forbidden Forest, I hope.”
“Actually, I am,” she answered confidently. “Wait, how do you know that?”
“Erm, I heard Billy Price in the Great Hall at lunch. You shouldn’t pay any attention to what he says.”
Billy Price was the other Ravenclaw Perfect. He always bragged about his skills and was constantly demeaning Diana out of jealousy. Most recently, he accused Diana of being a coward and went on to dare her to go into the Forbidden Forest at night and retrieve one of the hybrid creatures Professor Hagrid bred, which were a long way inside the forest.
“It has nothing to do with what he said,” she lied. “I need to find some herbs for a potion.”
“Well, I suppose that you wouldn’t mind me coming with you.” I thought she’d feel braver with somebody around her. If I wasn’t dreaming, I figured that I’d better have a little adventure.
“You can come,” she replied after a few seconds.

message 6: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (abilyssaxoxo) | 1290 comments don't hate me for this...please...but, there were a few punctuation mistakes in the first chapter and "plausible" should be "possible". BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT IS GREAT! I think it's so amazing, also, that your second language is English. I know only one other person whose second language is English, and I'd like to say that it is really impressive. English is like the hardest language, after all:)

message 7: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Thanks a lot,I really appreciate your comment. :D

message 8: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (abilyssaxoxo) | 1290 comments :) I'm glad I didn't upset you. *comes out of hiding*

message 9: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Chapter Three
I knew so much about Diana because I had created her, she was the main character in a fanfiction I wrote. She was a witch studying at Hogwarts, one of the best students in most of her classes (but obviously not Herbology). Her mother was a muggle, a high school teacher, and her father Alonso Williams worked in the Ministry of Magic as an Auror. Her only sister, Zelda, was two years younger and in a different house, Hufflepuff.
As I was deep in thought, thinking about all the fantastic things I could do as a wizard, when we reached the edge of the forest. Diana stopped and looked at me.
“Professor Hagrid keeps the Murtskeins a little bit further in the forest somewhere near the Thestrals. Are you sure that you want to come?”
“I thought you weren’t going on that stupid mission,” I answered, looking at her questioningly.
“I don’t think it’s really a big deal.” She said. “Plus I can finally prove to Price that I’m not a coward or whatever it was that he called me.”
“Okay then, let’s get moving. What are those Murtskeins you said?”
“They’re half Murtlaps, half Puffskeins. They look like a furry ball with a lump. They’re not dangerous, don’t worry.”
We walked in silence, but after a while I noticed a swift movement a few meters ahead. I turned to look at Diana, she was nervously looking around, which told me that she must have seen it too.
“We’d better go on,” she whispered, “it’s probably nothing harmful.”
We hadn’t been walking for long when we saw the same thing move behind a tree. I only got a brief glimpse but it seemed to be a big silvery white creature. We looked at each other and waited for the creature to do something. Diana took out her wand, and I took mine out too, although I had no idea what to do with it.

message 10: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments I think that in thelast sentence it should be "I took out mine too"

message 11: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (abilyssaxoxo) | 1290 comments it's fine either way. I personally like it the first way you worded it

message 12: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Is 'creeped out' a correct phrase?

message 13: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (abilyssaxoxo) | 1290 comments yes

message 14: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Chapter Four
A couple of minutes passed and nothing happened. I thought that the creature might be hiding from us out of fear, so I walked to the tree. All of a sudden, the creature emerged from behind the tree, escaping from us, deep into the forest.
“What was it?” I asked Diana.
“I don’t know,” she replied, “It looked like a horse. Maybe it was a Unicorn.”
Whatever that was I wasn’t feeling very good about it, so I thought we should keep moving and motioned to Diana to follow.
Several minutes passed as we walked in the dark forest, frightened by any sound and creeped out by the unusual shadows created by our wandlights. I was starting to feel cold, which unfortunately made me think of Dementors. I tried to convince myself that there couldn’t be any here, but I was terrified.
“I think we might be lost,” Diana muttered. She sounded scared.
“We could go back.”
“I’m not going back!” she said rather harshly.
“Okay,” I said apologetically, “which way?”
She started walking and I followed her. We walked a long distance, and fortunately there was no sign of any creature. We couldn’t go really fast as many branches were in our way. Once, I saw a dead animal, apparently attacked and eaten by something strong and vicious. I didn’t think it was anything out of place, so we just kept going.
After a while, I noticed that the trees were getting thicker and the trail which we had followed was nowhere to be seen. I was about to point this out to Diana when I heard something moving on the leaves and tree roots on the ground.
Slowly, a huge spider-like creature emerged out of the darkness. Diana gasped and took a step back. The creature had eight eyes and a deadly-looking pincers. An Acromantula, I thought, how lucky am I, running into carnivorous spiders when I could be enjoying a game of wizard chess in the warm and cozy common room!
A few more followed the first, all clicking their pincers while approaching us. I didn’t need to turn around to know there were all around us. The first Acromantula came a bit closer and the rest became silent.

message 15: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments I have a feeling that I'm going to end this story kinda lamely. Well, I didn't expect anything better.

message 16: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Chapter Five
“You have trespassed on our territory,” said their leader.
“We’re lost, we didn’t mean to…” Diana tried to say before being cut off by the click of the leader’s pincers.
“They don’t seem to be really friendly,” Diana whispered to me. “What do you think we should do?”
“Silent,” ordered the Acromantula. “You will be of use. You’re not fully grown, but still, the young need meat to survive.”
He then commanded to the others, “Take them.”
Two Acromantulas started coming towards us. There was no way we could escape. I remembered that I had a wand, so I began to think of a spell to cast. The Acromantulas were really close now, and I thought that was it, whether this was a dream or a horrible version of reality.
“Merlin’s beard, are those …?” Diana was pointing to a point beyond the giant spiders.
I couldn’t see anything. Then, something swooshed through the air, hitting one of the beasts in the eye. The arrow only made the creature scream, although it started retreating. More arrows followed, aiming for the rest of the Acromantulas.
“Run!” screamed a voice.
I was looking for the source of the voice, Diana pulled the sleeve of my robe. “Come on, let’s go.”
About half an hour later, we were leaning against a thick tree, catching our breaths. We weren’t out of the forest yet, but I could see the light in Professor Hagrid’s hut.
“I think they were Centaurs,” exclaimed Diana.
“We should pay them a visit the next time we go on an adventure in the forest.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not setting foot in here again.”
“I see. So you’ve changed your mind about getting a Murtskein, huh?”
“Now that you’ve mentioned it, we could look for them.”
“Not again!”

message 17: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Chapter Six
In the common room Diana was surrounded by a few fifth years and several younger ones, being questioned about our adventure. Billy Price had sourly told Diana that she wasn’t such a coward after all. The Murtskein we had taken was sitting contently on a table, nibbling on a muffin left there by a student.
An hour later, when most of the students had gone to sleep, Diana and I were sitting near the fire.
“So Lucy, what year are you in?” she asked idly turning a page in a huge ancient-looking book.
I didn’t know what to say, could I tell her the truth? Will she believe me if I did?
“Nobody seems to know who you are,” she continued. “Are you even in Ravenclaw?”
“I am, in a way,” I replied. “I… It’s hard to explain.”
“Remember when you asked me the time near those bushes? I sort of, um, woke up there. Until tonight I couldn’t do any magic, I thought I was a muggle.”
“I went to an ordinary school and learned muggle things. But the weird thing is that I had been writing a story, a story about you. I fell asleep in the middle of the story, right when you went to the Herbology class, and when I woke up I was lying on the ground in Hogwarts!”
Diana was looking at me as if I was a lunatic. I didn’t know how to prove it to her. I just started telling her all about my life, my family and the friends I never had. After a few minutes, I was starting to think that she believed me, when the only other student in the room, an older athletic boy, got up and said, “I’m going to bed. You two should better leave too.”
I looked out the window. There were few clouds in the sky, stars were shining and an almost full moon glimmered above the Forbidden Forest.

message 18: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Any ideas for a cool title? I suck at naming stuff. 'A Visit to Hogwarts' is the only thing I could come up with.

message 19: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments ☯ Mimaimi {Raggedy Man, Goodnight} {Call me Mai} ☯ wrote: "Daughter of The Night wrote: "don't hate me for this...please...but, there were a few punctuation mistakes in the first chapter and "plausible" should be "possible". BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT IS GREAT..."
Really? Your English is too perfect!

▂▃▅▇█۩✡۩̮✾ԲคՆՆ૯Ո คՈ૭૯Ն✾۩✡۩█▇▅▃▂ (-percabethforever-) It needs practice (ENGLISH I MEAN. NOT YOUR WRITING!!!) even idiots who are BORN learning English don't know what their saying sometimes XD the only person who is an exception to the phrase about is Genie =)

message 21: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments The computer started beeping and its monitor showed a spaceship coming near the planet. She got really excited and started transmitting the message again, hopefully for the last time.
She had been stuck there for almost four months now. After traveling for nearly a year with OAIT-Andromeda 179, the ship’s engine broke down. Luckily, she was close to a planet and her ship started orbiting it. The planet, according to the data on the computer, was called the Frozen Mystery and seemed to be uninhabited, as she hadn’t got any reply to the message she had broadcast. What’s more, she had found out, by scanning a ten light year radius around her ship, that there was no sign of life nearby.
She had got the spaceship from the Organization of Amateur Intergalactic Travelers when she was on Thoriax III. Her ship, Andromeda 179, was stocked with food and water supplies to last for a few years, she could travel up to 290 per cent of light’s speed and the computer helped her find her way around and stay away from dangerous situations. She couldn’t figure out what had happened to the engine, but the damage was certainly irreversible.
Five minutes after she spotted the ship on her computer she received a message from its captain. “OAIT Andromeda 179, your message has been received. You will come on board Ariel in 30 minutes, please collect your belongings, turn down the shields and stand in your teleport device.”
She did as she had been told, and after the long thirty minutes passed she was teleported onto the spaceship. She couldn’t believe it, was finally rescued!
A tall muscular middle-aged man in a uniform greeted her and introduced himself as Francis Craig, acting captain of Ariel. The ship was used for tourism, traveling across the galaxy Emerille Lazarya, taking its passengers to sightseeing sites and exotic holiday resorts.
“Miss, could you identify yourself?” asked Captain Craig, “We need to register you as a passenger.”
“My name is Jenny,” she answered brightly, “And I am a Timelord.”

message 22: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Yesterday I started writing something and after a few sentences I realized that my character was a lot like me. So I decided to actually write about my feelings. I might post it here if you're interested in reading it.

message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

Souss neat! Did you post this stuff on the creaive writing section?

message 24: by [deleted user] (new)


message 25: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Yeah, but not the new one.

message 26: by [deleted user] (new)


message 27: by Anahita (last edited Mar 07, 2014 12:51AM) (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Anahita wrote: "Yesterday I started writing something and after a few sentences I realized that my character was a lot like me. So I decided to actually write about my feelings. I might post it here if you're inte..."

So, I'm going to post that, but please don't judge me or anything. I'm not entirely sure cause it's really personal. But I'll post it anyway.

message 28: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments It was nearly midnight when Chloe woke up. She had fallen asleep in her clothes while she had been crying, and somebody –probably her mom- had covered her with a soft floral blanket.
She hadn’t had a truly happy moment the past week, but today was her last straw. She always tried to stay positive and hopeful, but she was actually sad inside most of the time. There were many reasons for that, one being her distance from her so-called friends. They hardly understood her interests and feelings, so she could never talk to any of them about any serious topic. Some of them made fun of her –even in front of herself. These caused her to keep away from them.
Chloe had a lot going on her mind; she worried a lot about college, and most of the time she tried to discover her abilities and talents. To make matters worse, she didn’t even know what sort of job she liked to do or could be good at.
Unfortunately, she didn’t even have anybody to talk to. Her mother worked long hours, so when she got home she was too exhausted to be bothered with Chloe’s problems, although she wouldn’t have understood even if she listened to her. Claire, her younger sister, wouldn’t understand her concerns, either. Plus, she was sometimes really mean and rude to Chloe.
She never even considered talking to her father, because frankly she didn’t like him very much and she didn’t think he’d care. Her parents separated a few months ago, her father was never really caring or attentive to them. When he was still living with them, he was just there, never paying any attention or love just spending his time on his own. He just wasn’t a good father in any way. He also got angry and bitter so often that Chloe and Claire started to hate him.

message 29: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments I know the last thing I posted was terrible, but this one is better, I hope. I wrote this before that but it took me ages to type it. (I write on paper.)

message 30: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments The Man Who Forgot
Nurse Tyler had been sitting beside the unconscious man for a long time. The man had been admitted a few days ago. He was crossing the street at night when a car hit him at 65 mph, the driver wasn’t able to see him as he was wearing black.
When he got to the hospital, he had a large chunk of glass sticking in his upper arm and one of his legs was broken. There were a few broken ribs too. The paramedics thought things couldn’t have been any worse, but a scan of his head showed internal bleeding in his brain. After a five-hour surgery on his medial temporal lobe, the surgeons had to remove some parts of it so that he survived. This meant that he couldn’t remember anything about his past.

message 31: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments You could read the rest of it here if you like.

message 32: by Reann (new)

Reann Both of your most recent stories are really good! I'd like to read more about Chloe. :)

message 33: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Really? I thought that was horrible. I might work on that and there's more of The Man WHo Forgot. (But I'm way to lazy to type!)
Thanks a lot for your opinion. :D

message 34: by Reann (new)

Reann It wasn't horrible. It was really good. I like that style of writing. You're a good writer. :)

message 35: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Thanks a lot, that means a lot to me.

message 36: by Reann (new)

Reann No problem:D

message 37: by arabella (new)

arabella | 129 comments Ohhhh I like the man who forgot and Chloe both are extremely great I would love to read more!

message 38: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Thanks! :D

message 39: by Anahita (last edited Mar 21, 2014 03:39PM) (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments The Man Who Forgot
The room was crowded by several surgeons, two interns and the nurse. They were peering over charts, checking the patient’s vital signs or examining him. They all seemed to be relieved as the patient was conscious.
After several minutes they scattered off and left the room except a nervous-looking intern. Henry Jacobs was his name, a tall skinny young man, with a pale complexion and freckles across his cheeks. He had short dark hair and there was a pair of red rimmed glasses on top of his stubby nose. He looked uneasy and was fidgeting with a pen he was holding. He looked at the patient and smiled awkwardly.
“My name is Henry Jacobs and I’m going to explain your condition to you. You had an accident last Wednesday. You were hit by a car, fell to the ground and seriously injured yourself. Fortunately, our surgeons were able to mend most of your injuries. The bad news is that the fall caused severe damage to parts of your brain. We tried our best in the OR, but… we couldn’t completely fix it.”
Henry looked at the man sympathetically. From the moment he was taken out of the ambulance, he looked really familiar to Henry and right now Henry kept wondering how he might have seen that man.
“We had to take out a part of your temporal lobe as it had been irreparably damaged. In a nutshell, this means that you won’t remember most of your life. I am going to help you recover and, hopefully, regain your memory and find out your identity as you didn’t have any ID or cellphone at the time of the accident. Dr. Jenkins is also going to visit you every day to ensure that everything is going well.”
The poor man was too dumbstruck to utter a word; he just lay there blinking at the intern. Henry tried to think of something comforting to say.
“You don’t need to worry about that. We will be informed by the police if there’s any report of a
missing person. Until then we need to find a name to temporarily call you. What do you think of ‘John’?”
“It’s as good as any other name.”

message 40: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments John was a tall middle-aged man, with a stout belly. His black hair was balding in the middle of his head. Most of his round face consisted of a hawk-shaped nose and his kind brown eyes were shining from under a pair of old-fashioned glasses.
The doctors and nurses assumed he was unmarried since he wasn’t wearing a ring, but in fact he was married.
His real name was Todd Worthington and he taught biology at a high school. Just before the accident he had a fight with his wife about money, which was actually the only thing the couple did. At the end of the fight, he stormed out of the house to take a walk, which resulted in the accident.
He was a very calm selfless man, and also quite hardworking. But he didn’t make much money by teaching which caused most of his quarrels with his wife.
The day of the accident, Todd dissected a mouse in his class. He had taken off his wedding ring and forgot to put it on afterwards. It was probably in his tweed jacket’s pocket at home.

message 41: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Henry had been thinking of John- or rather Todd-the whole time he was driving home. When he got home he just fell asleep on the old discolored uncomfortable sofa while watching TV. He strongly felt that he had met Todd somewhere, but where and how, he didn’t have the slightest clue.
About 5 a.m. he woke up at the sound his roommate was making in the kitchen, washing the last week’s dishes. Henry and Tim had been roommates since college and they were best friends. In fact, they were each other’s only friends as neither of them had time for anything except work.
They hurriedly ate breakfast and dressed for work. On the ride to work, Henry told Tim about his patient and how he looked familiar. Tim tried to help him remember who Todd was, but to no avail.
In the hospital, Henry was startled to find that Todd wasn’t in his room, but on asking a nurse he found out he was having a MRI scan. Several minutes later another intern brought him back to his room.
After checking Todd, Henry went to a few other patients who were recovering from slightly less complex operations. At nine, he was to join Doctor Frank in the OR.
At lunch, he constantly thought about Todd and didn’t join the conversation between his friends about their plans for summer.
That afternoon when he was checking on an old patient who used to be a teacher, he remembered something about Todd. He went to his room to take a good look at him in order to remember who he was.
He remembered! Now it was time to talk to the man himself.

message 42: by Anahita (last edited Mar 30, 2014 03:00PM) (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments After he had explained everything to Todd, including his real name, he left him to consider his situation. Henry said that it would take some time to remember every memory and detail in his life, it might be several days or several months, but he had to try hard.
With nearly two weeks all to himself, he had remembered the last few hours before the accident. He remembered his home, his wife and their last fight, but he didn’t tell Henry or any of the doctors. For a few days he thought about everything, but he couldn’t remember much he just remembered the never-ending fights with his wife, how she hated him. He had to go back to that life.
In a month he’d be fully recovered and could leave the hospital, but where would he go? He knew his relationship with his wife couldn’t get any better, only worse. He couldn’t go to any of his relatives as they’d tell her. He couldn’t even get a divorce, it would take ages to convince her and it’s just too much trouble. He just wanted to leave in peace and quiet.
As the weeks passed by he remembered more and more of his life, until one day he knew enough to make up his mind. Just a day before checking out of the hospital, he told Henry about his decision.
Next week, Henry and Dr. Frank were talking about some of the risks of a surgery on a patient suffering from Alzheimer’s.
“By the way,” asked Dr. Frank while adjusting his glasses, “what happened to the patient with amnesia, the one who had an accident?”
“I think…,” Henry answered after a suspiciously long hesitation, “I think he found out that he was here on vacation, he’s back in his own town now.”
Todd Worthington was now in another city, far away from his wife, living a brand new life.

message 43: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (abilyssaxoxo) | 1290 comments no one is commenting! fine, let me be the first.
you are doing very well so far, keep it up!

message 44: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Thanks a lot, Alyssa! I think that I prefer fantasy and sci-fi, whether I'm reading or writing it.

message 45: by Alyssa (new)

Alyssa (abilyssaxoxo) | 1290 comments that's cool:)

message 46: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments I'm writing this on the spot, but I thought about it last week.

Mary had fallen asleep in the library, curled in a comfy armchair with her favorite Dickens' books open in her lap. After propelling herself against the cussions, she looked around to find a clock, it was a quarter to one. She decided to go to sleep, so she got up and put the book back into its place.
She was about to turn the doorknob, when she noticed a movement in the curtain. The window opened into the veranda, so it was possible that the doctor's cat might have been there. But she had closed the window before reading, so the cat ws out of the question.
She was too tired, so she decided not to think about it. But she ran the whole way to her bedroom, almost tripping over a step on the marble staircase. She got scared of almost anything, specially here in her uncle's mansion.

message 47: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments I think I used 'she' a lot.

message 48: by Anahita (new)

Anahita (anahitasn) | 98 comments Around three o'clock, Mary suddenly woke up. It took her a few seconds to realise what had caused her to wake up. She got out of her bed and walked to the door. She opened the door slowly. Looking down the dark hall, she glimsed a figure moving languidly towards the ballroom door.
Mary decided to follow it, but as it was dark she went back in her room and took a flashlight out of the bedside table's drawer.
She found nobody back in the corridor. She walked to the door at the end of the hallway, but found out it was locked. There wasn't any other rooms besides her's and the ballroom.
Mary felt scared again, so she ran back to her room and pulled the blanket over her head.

message 49: by Cady (new)

Cady | 32 comments Mod
But you should try to start off sentences with verbs instead of using pronouns. Such as in message 48, you could combine sentences 4 and 5. (view spoiler) To: Slowly opening the door, she glimpsed a figure moving languidly towards the ballroom door. And at the last sentence, (view spoiler) you (suggestion, you don't have to do it) could've changed it to 'Feeling frightened (try to use different words. Maybe replace 'scared' with 'frightened'.) again, so Mary ran back to her room and pulled the blanket over her head.

I also felt (DON'T KILL ME, JUST A SUGGESTION) that you should try to make your sentences a little more lengthy. Sentences 6 and 7 (view spoiler) could be combined together so sentence 6 wouldn't be so short. (It's not choppy , it's just short XD) Instead, it could be: Finding no one in the corridor, Mary walked to the door at the end of the hallway, but found that it was locked.

And another suggestion (Don't kill me. Don't kill me.) try to add a little bit more detail into your writing since the descriptions are a little vague. A few more details could answer a few questions about the appearance of the house. Try to imagine what Mary would see the house as; would the corridors be wide or skinny? What colors are the doors? What are the doors made of? etc. And at the last sentence, you could rewrite it so it's 'Feeling frightened again, Mary ran back to the comforts and safety of her own room, where she could hide from whatever made her terrified. She pulled the blanket her head and pulled them tightly around her body so the cold air could not penetrate her fragile body. Nothing could harm her when she's under blanket. At least that's what she thought.

message 50: by Cady (new)

Cady | 32 comments Mod
Well, actually, 'slowly' is an adverb, but... .-.

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