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message 1: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
I would like to point out for those of you who may be new here as members or as our silent observers who read but don't join for whatever reason you may have, that personal posts made by me about myself are not a bid for attention or for "there there" moments following a "boo-hoo woe is me" seeming post.

I share because I feel that others of you may be feeling the same way,feel the same way, are going through something similar or some such. I talk about personal things not to make you feel sorry for me or to feel bad for me, but to help you see the same things in your own life,show you that you are not alone and hopefully some kind of foothold to start your journey on to your own path of loving yourself for who you are.

Anyone who is trying to find balance in their lives for any reason, has a picture in their mind of what the process should be, of what they see it as being and how long it should take. We live in a world of montages, before and after pictures and instant gratification, so much that we loose sight of how long things really take. We have an air of expectations that have given us false senses of entitlements that we have not earned. We are told we can have it our way, we can step over to this line with no waiting and we can do all of our shopping without having to step into the store, so there is no messy contact with icky store clerks and the like.

Doing anything takes time. Renovations, car repairs, quitting smoking, quitting a drug habit, quitting drinking, making lifestyle changes, or anything like that takes time. It is so easy to say that "Jane S. from Who-knows-where USA lost 300 lbs. in 2 weeks by taking our yummy shake (never mind that Jane is now in permanent coma due to the wildly toxic make up of said shake)and you can to for low cost of only $1 billion for the first 2 days supply".

We expect instant results with no back lash, side effects or any other bad thing. If we don't get them, then we are defective. We didn't have enough will power or use the program/product correctly. WRONG! We are human and we make mistakes. I make several mistakes every minute (I am NOT a good typist!) yet here I am still going.

My posts are not for sympathy, but to show that even the most fataboulous among us still have our bad days, out doubts, our fears, our own backslides. I don't have all of the answers kids, and I am by no means perfect, but I am putting in the work, which is not easy. Anyone who tells you making healthier choices, loving you for you are while those around you may not, and finding the balance is easy,needs to share whatever they are on.

I am here to tell you my dears, that this group was one of the hardest things I have ever decided to do. Why? Because I thought that no one would join, that I would be laughed off the internet, that I would be the target of mockery, hatred and all sorts of unsavory things. It is not easy to post some of my worst moments, but I do so that others can see they are not alone in this journey. Each path is different, there is no one rule for all of us, no one right way of going about this, but it is possible.

Too many of us struggle with basic acceptance of who we are. I am not nor have I ever said that this is license to do what you will, but to as a way of seeing yourself for who you are, accepting yourself for who you are now, and if you want to change things about yourself, accepting that those changes need time, effort and support. We are here to offer that support and if you need to vent, post personal struggles, or share a triumph we are here.

My posts are moments of clarity on my own journey, and I am grateful for all the support from all sides. I hope that I am returning the favor.

message 2: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
Some of you may be saying, "Good, fine for you, but what about me? You don't really tell any of us HOW to begin to love ourselves, HOW to start and what to do if we don't have support from those around us."

I have to say again, that my journey is not the same as yours and what I have done has been a long process. This group is actually a late in the game thing for me. I started trying to change how I saw myself back in high school. I am not one to radically change my hair or my clothes, so I had to start with inside things. It was just one of those things one day when I had reached my own limit on what I was prepared to put up with out of myself, let alone others.

School is a bad place for anyone who is different and the struggle to be independent and yet fit in due to herd mentality, that lovely ancient imperative for survival that still lingers on today),is not easy. Some do not survive it, others maintain with the help of substances,and yet others manage to come out the other side without having done any of that, scarred yes, but survived.

I have learned that certain people were not good for me and I was able to remove myself from them and their influences on others as I go older. It is not an easy decision to love yourself and accept your self when you have people in your life who speak with misplaced concern about you and how you look. Genuine concern should not be mistaken here for misplaced concern. Genuine concern is when your family who does love you, looks at you and says, "You are going to die soon because you are nearing 800 lbs. What can we do to help you become healthier?" Vs. misplaced concern with lines like "you have such a pretty face, why hide it under all that fat?"

Many time misplaced concern is an attempt from a loved one who is concerned about you and your health and truly does want what is best for you, but has a clumsy way of showing it. If the concern stems from previous relatives and health problems, it may very well be due to a clumsy attempt at help. If it is in a long series of comments, jabs and blatant interference and you do NOT have health problems, then it is misplaced and you need to try to get away from those people and limit your contact with them. It may even be necessary to cut them out of your life, but do not do so in a hasty manner. You may find that they will change their tune when they realize that you are more important.

Finding strength inside yourself is the hardest thing to do, but once you find it, and only YOU can figure that out, you need to be prepared to be your only support for a lot of this journey. I have good friends who have never treated me as "the fat one" and all 3 of my best friends are skinny. They do not diet or count calories. They are not exercise fiends, and have never made me feel bad once for being who I am. They may not always understand my point of view, but they love me for who I am.

That was a big thing. My family for the most part, did support me for who I am, again they don't always understand me all the time, but they try. There were some rough moments over the years when certain parts of the family were on low/no fat kicks, water drinking fads, and the like where they acted like the new gospel had just been handed down, like many converts who feel the need to pontificate and try to make believers of us all, to worship at the altar of what ever "thing" that is working for them.

Just like people who used to be fat but are now happy being thin, they have a hard time believing that anyone can be happy being themselves. If losing weight is what made you happy, than mazel tov to you! It is hard to hold a polite conversation with these people due to their absolute convictions, but it is possible. This is where the self support comes into play. This is when you need to draw on your inner reserves and call up the knowledge that you are a good person and all the good things in your life and good things about you.

If you are not sure, at the risk of sounding self-help shelf, make a list. Make one about all the good things about you, no matter how silly sounding, all the good things in your life, again no matter how silly sounding, and you will surprise yourself at what good things you do have and are. Great smile? Good at card games? Good with computers? Good with animals? These are all good things about you and you alone that no one can touch. Add to the list as you go on your journey.

It can be as silly sounding as you like because no one else is going to see it, so go nuts. If you have things that you would like to see on your list but don't, make a list of things you would like, like say a partner. Don't put down thins that are not realistic like "Bradley Cooper's phone number". Put down things that can happen, and then figure out what is really possible, when and how to work for it.

There is no magic formula here gang, just a lot of self reflection,hard work,and a lot of uphill battles with your self and the world at large. You will backslide, you will have bad days, bad months, but they are survivable. The key is to not berate yourself when you do backslide or make a bad decision, but to forgive, learn from it, and move on. It's not easy, I know. But, we are here for you. I'm here for you, and you are pretty wonderful.

message 3: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Mar 24, 2014 07:29AM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
For those of you who are thinking, "O.K. Pollyanna, take a Valium", I have not been an overly perky or optimistic person. I have my fair share of depression with suicidal thoughts, and have believed enough of peer and self created bad press about myself that I almost couldn't function. So, what does that have to do with anything regarding this group and my "Rah-rah!" attitude?


This is the result of all the hard work I have put into myself over the last how many years. Yes, I am sometimes a little too seemingly positive, but if I stopped looking for ways to be positive about my size and what I can do, I would be in a bad way, most likely in a hospital bed too big to move or 6 feet under.

The first thing I had to realize is, and this was most likely the hardest,is that I am a human being. I am not a side show freak, a monster, a non entity, or anything else that smacks of me not being human.

I am capable of a lot of good, doing things that I "shouldn't be able to do because..." or any other nonsense. I embrace who I am and who I want to be.
It is hard, and it all starts with the word "no". No to being treated like garbage, no treating yourself like garbage, no to listening to negative people, no being treated like less, no to treating yourself like less, and no to the wide array of other crap you can think of. As humans, we have trouble with the word no and women especially are made to feel guilty for making decisions, for which we feel the need to apologize.

We need to stop that. We need to embrace who we are and if we want to change things, then change them, but not dwell on them. We need to be who we are and know that we are who we are supposed to be, size and all.

It's not being Pollyanna to embrace who you are, it is your right as a human being.

message 4: by Narzain (new)

Narzain | 194 comments You are indeed capable of a great many things. You have already accomplished many great things (don't make me point out specific examples of kids you've influenced, 'cause you know I will). But this is one of the greatest, because it frees you up to do so much more.

Yes, it's a long road to the horizon. But your feet are on that road, and I'm proud of you. You are indeed a human being, and a pretty wonderful one at that.

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