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Writer's Corner > Travion's Writing: 2nd Draft Chapter One ADVICE PLEASE

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message 1: by Trey (new)

Trey Lawrence (travion) | 6 comments Hello, people. First novel, chapter one, draft two is complete and I am calling for your help. I need some honest thoughts and criticism. Please don't pull your punches. I need the brutal true, its the only way I can learn. There may be some grammar errors and typos, they will be buffed out in draft three. The link to the doc is below.


https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxGf...


message 2: by Jenny (new)

Jenny (juliababyjen) This story has a lot of potential! I really enjoyed the action of it, and I also love the title!

Here's some things that I think could be improved upon.

1. Your opening sentence and paragraph
It starts off a little boring. This really sets the tone for the book, and you want it to stand out. I would suggest something along the lines of--

Krow woke with the knowledge that today he would find his weapon.

But better. Get imaginative, and make the reader get hooked right away!

2. The Quotations and dialogue

A lot of the time, I didn't know who was talking. Even if there is a conversation between only two people, every few lines or so, you'll want to help the reader remember who is saying what.

"How are you, Bill?" asked Bob.

"Doing good. How bout you?"

"Not too great. Didn't get any sleep last night."

"That's too bad," said Bill.

That is a horrible conversation, but you get the idea!

3. Draw out the scenes and action

Things go from scene to scene rather quickly, and there is not very much detail. The events that you have happening in this chapter could easily be 3 or 4 chapters in length. You want to describe the scene, the people, their thoughts, back story, etc. The action scenes are pretty good, but they could be even better with this. I hope I'm making sense.

4. Back story/world building
There is no back story, so the reader has no idea what is really even going on. You don't have to explain everything, you want to leave some mystery for the reader, but we need to know WHY Krow is choosing a weapon with his dad, what he is training for, how the village works, that kind of thing.

I think that's enough to get you started! I really enjoyed the story itself, and loved the action scenes especially!


message 3: by Trey (new)

Trey Lawrence (travion) | 6 comments Jenny wrote: "This story has a lot of potential! I really enjoyed the action of it, and I also love the title!

Here's some things that I think could be improved upon.

1. Your opening sentence and paragraph
I..."

Thank you, I completely understand. you and the others from my other posts have been a great help in improving my writing. I will do some more reading on writing and try again.


message 4: by Trey (new)

Trey Lawrence (travion) | 6 comments Jenny wrote: "This story has a lot of potential! I really enjoyed the action of it, and I also love the title!

Here's some things that I think could be improved upon.

1. Your opening sentence and paragraph
I..."


Hello, I'm back. I have done some reading and I've started chapter one again. I would like you to take a look at what I have so far to make sure I'm on the right track.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxGf...


message 5: by Patrick (new)

Patrick (patrick_castro) Jenny wrote: "This story has a lot of potential! I really enjoyed the action of it, and I also love the title!

Here's some things that I think could be improved upon.

1. Your opening sentence and paragraph
I..."


Great editing Jenny!


message 6: by Patrick (new)

Patrick (patrick_castro) Travion wrote: "Jenny wrote: "This story has a lot of potential! I really enjoyed the action of it, and I also love the title!

Here's some things that I think could be improved upon.

1. Your opening sentence an..."


Great concept..keep on writing!


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