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High Fantasy > 2nd Draft Chapter One ADVICE PLEASE

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message 1: by Trey (last edited Feb 05, 2014 06:56PM) (new)

Trey Lawrence (travion) | 5 comments Hello, people. First novel, chapter one, draft two is complete and I am calling for your help. I need some honest thoughts and criticism. Please don't pull your punches. I need the brutal true, its the only way I can learn. There may be some grammar errors and typos, they will be buffed out in draft three. The link to the doc is below.


https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxGf...


message 2: by Samantha (new)

Samantha | 69 comments #1 krow's training should take weeks
#2 to show the rift between father and son have Krow address his father as Clan Leader or Father. probably not dad, it speaks of an easy familiarity in relationship.
#3 give me a reason why Zack's mom hates Krow. is he trouble?
#4 you need quiet moments. times where not much is happening. (these moments are great for foreshadowing and make your fast paced times seem more exciting.)
#5 describe things. the village, the forest, helga, even krow himself.
#6 set me in a place. what is the name of the village? country? or world? what is the time period?
#7 give names to the groups of people or places.
#8 make the quest last longer. to prove your worth it will take more than a day or so. plus, this will give you a chance to use some quiet moments.
#9 oh! and have krow start out on wooden weapons, or something less intense like they have you try in most classes when learning something, start out slow then go faster.
#10 lastly, tell me ,more about Krow. how old is he? what does ge look like? does he have a girlfriend? is he an outcast or Mr. Popularity?
other than these few things, I really enjoyed your story and look foward to reading more:)


message 3: by Trey (last edited Mar 12, 2014 11:19PM) (new)

Trey Lawrence (travion) | 5 comments Samantha wrote: "#1 krow's training should take weeks
#2 to show the rift between father and son have Krow address his father as Clan Leader or Father. probably not dad, it speaks of an easy familiarity in relatio..."


Hello, I'm back. I have done some reading and I've started chapter one again. I would like for you to take a look at what I have so far. So I can be sure I'm on the right track.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxGf...


message 4: by Samantha (new)

Samantha | 69 comments for some reason the link isn't working


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