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Character Workshop > Joss Christopher Coleman

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message 1: by яєуηα™ (last edited Feb 20, 2014 01:31PM) (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) JOSS

Name: Joss Christopher Coleman
Gender: Male
Blood: Half-Blood
Age: 11
» Birthday: September 17
House: Ravenclaw
» Year: 1
» Quidditch: N/A
» Position: Student
» Wood: Holly and Ash
» Core: Hippogriff Feather
» Length: 12 Inches
» Flexibility: Unyielding
» Description: Joss obtained his wand after his mother died. He had gotten his letter to Hogwarts, only a week before he found the note from his mother, saying that she knew she was going to die sooner or later. The note told him to go to Mr. Olivander, a wandmaker. At the time, Joss had no idea where his mother expected him to find a wandmaker, much less know what she was talking about. There was an address on the note, a place close to his home. After it was nighttime, and his father was asleep, he snuck out of his house and followed the directions, knowing his father would never take him there. He ended up at a bench for a bus stop. He read the next word on the note, and it was just one simple word;Wait. All that was left to do was wait. And he did. For a long while, he didn't think anything was going to happen, until a three decker bus came to a stop in front of him. He followed more instructions on the back of the note and climbed aboard the bus. He thought everything was extremely strange. Ye people around him, the bus driver, the speed the bus was currently going at; but he stayed. He would do anything for his mother. The bus came to a stop, and he climbed off. He found himself in . He further followed the directions and finally entered Mr. Ollivander's Wand Shop. He looked at the note again, but the rest was blank. An old man with very old and wise eyes stumbled out from the back of the small shop filled with long thin black boxes. He adjusted his glasses and inspected the boy in front of him. He muttered to himself under his breath and grabbed a box off of his shelf. He held it out to Joss, but the poor boy had no idea what to do with it. The man raised an eyebrow. "Well, you came here for a wand, did you not, boy? Open the box and give it a wave." The man had told him. Joss hesitantly took out the wand from the box and waved it around. Mr. Ollivander quickly took the wand out of his hand and shoved it back into the box. "No, no, no, not that one." Joss heard him say to himself. "But- perhaps this one." He handed the wand to Joss. Joss took the wand into his hand and waved it through the air. A lamps lightbulb exploded from behind him and Mr. Ollivander snatched that wand away from him, also. They went through the same process over and over again, until even Mr. Ollivander seemed to give up. "Are you sure you're a wizard, my boy?" He said with a smile. Joss knew it was only a joke, but he was starting to think, maybe he wasn't a wizard after all. Mr. Ollivander leaned across the counter and narrowed his eyes at the across from him. "You look extremely familiar. You remind me of someone I once knew." joss shrugged. Maybe the man was talking about his mother. "Maybe you're thinking of my mother. She was a witch. Did she get her wand from here, too?" He asked the wandmaker. He smiled at Joss. "Everyone gets their wand from here!" He said gesturing to his little shop. He turned serious again. "Who was your mother, may I ask." "Julia. Julia Coleman." Joss answered. He saw Mr. Ollivander's gaze soften. "Oh, Julia. I remember her." He suddenly seemed to get an idea. "Perfect! I know the exact wand you need!" He moved faster than Joss would expect a man of his age to move, and went to the back of his store again. He retrieved a grey box and handed it to him with great care. Joss opened the box and gingerly took out the wand. He braced himself for another failure, but when he waved it through the air, it made the shadows thicken in the room and the temperature drop. The wand sent a tingling sensation through his fingers and all the way through his body. He looked up at Mr. Ollivander and noticed that he could see his breath, like on a cold day outside. Mr. Ollivander took the wand from Joss's firm grasp and held it away from him. The room returned to normal and the man standing in front of him had a look of worry across his face. "Never, have I seen a wand claim it's wizard like that." He said to himself. "Even with your mother..." He trailed off and seemed to be lost deep in thought. After he seemed to make a decision, he handed the wand back to Joss. "You must keep this wand, but, my dear boy, treat it well." He said. Joss looked down at the wand in his hands, the back at Mr. Ollivander. "I don't have any money to-" He started, but was cut off. "You may have it, free of charge." He said and urged the boy out the door. "Thank you for stopping by." Joss exited the small shop and the door was shut tight behind him.
Description: Joss is a very quiet person. He never liked to socialize as much as the children around him did, and never like to make many friends, growing up. He was always sad wherever he went, and his elementary school teachers would get concerned. He never mentioned his family around people, and when the topic came up, he simply lefty the room. Sometimes, he blamed himself for the death of his mother; what could he have done to save her? In the end, he always convicted himself that it wasn't his fault, there was nothing he could have done, but he still gets depressed at times. His father never talked to him anymore, but Joss was glad for that. He wouldn't know what to say, anyway. He can be very sarcastic at times, but you won't see that side of him most of the time. He has always been as honest as he could with people, and hates it when others lie.
Background: Joss was always a kind person. Sure, he could be(very) sarcastic at times and a little bit annoying, but he thought that would be better than what he became after his mother died. He was six at the time, and his mother he been the most important person to him at the time, other than Avery, his little sister. His father was a strict man and always had believed in discipline, and Joss didn't like his rules or harsh punishments. One day, when he got home from his elementary school, he opened the door to his house. It was silent that day- more silent than it should have been. The house was usually filled with his sisters high-pitched laughter, or his father typing on the keys of his laptop. But there was no sound coming from any of the rooms. Joss wandered around his house, only hearing the sound of his shoes tapping on the floor with every step. He looked from room to room, looking for anyone else in the house. "Sectumsempra!" A deep strange voice shouted from the basement of his house, startling Joss and making him jump about a foot in the air. He Raced down the stairs of his basement and found his mother and sister on the floor in a pool of their own blood. A hooded figure stood over both of them, with a long black stick gripped tight in his hand. Joss's eyes were wide at the scene before him and felt like he couldn't make a sound. "Mum?" He finally choked out. The hooded figure turned toward him, his face still shadowed by his robe. He began to advance on Joss, too, but didn't get the chance, when he heard the front door above them slam and loud footsteps upstairs. Joss could almost feel the cruel smile he knew the man was giving his. The man waved his wand high in the air and a white ball of light left the tip of his wand and traveled up the stairs. Then he disappeared in the blink of an eye. The basement was quiet, except for his shallow breathing. "Joss?" He heard a muffled voice from upstairs that he knew as his father. For some reason, Joss stayed silent and didn't answer. He hea the basement door creak open and his father walk down the steps. He sensed his father standing next to him. After what felt like an eternity, his father turned to him. "What did you do?" He asked his son. Joss was startled out of his trance. "What!?" He asked in disbelief. He looked at his father and saw that his eyes were glazed over. That man had done something to him. "I didn't do anything!" Joss defended, but his father had already left, going back up the steps. The months that followed afterword were probably the worst of Joss's life. The glazed look from his father's eyes had disappeared, but he still believed that Joss was the one who had killed his mother and sister. A week after both of their funerals, his father was diagnosed with severe depression, and took out his sadness and anger on Joss. Throughout the years of abuse from his father, Joss learned to stay silent, as silent as his house had been that night he witnessed his mother and sister murdered. When he was eleven, he finally got his letter to Hogwarts, saying that he should come to their school and learn their ways of magic.
» Julia Rose Coleman - Mother; 36; Pure-Blood; Obliviator; Former Ravenclaw
» Michael Depole Coleman - Father; 38; Muggle; Accountant
» Avery Flou Coleman - Sister; 3; Half-Blood; Unknown
» Name: Elphaba
» Gender: Female
» Age: 2
» Appearance:description
» Description: Before his mother died, she gave him a cat, named Elphaba. Elphaba was the strangest of cats, always going places she wasn't supposed to be in. She was a very curious cat. She loved attention and being in the middle of everything. She sometimes hisses at others if they are in her territory, and loved being petted behind the ears. She's never been scared of other animals or people, and could be reliable at times. Throughout his years at Hogwarts, he had always depended on his faithful cat to lay beside him as he worked on his difficult homework and study for tests. Though, as soft and reliable as she was, she was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Elphaba had a habit of showing herself at the most random time; in classes, in the hallways, etc. Joss never knew how she managed to find him throughout the castle, but she always did. She is well trained cat, despite her personality, and only responds to Gaelic commands.
Other: Joss has always had severe claustrophobia, and no one really knows where it came from. He refuses to enter any kind of small room, and prefers to be outside. Ever since his mother died, he had been getting panic attacks when his emotions get out of hand. He is also a homosexual and has known since he was nine. He was diagnosed with OCD when he was seven and finds patterns and tapping his fingers in a particular order very calming for panic attacks and OCD. He was born in Dublin, Ireland, so he has an Irish accent. His first language is Gaelic.

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) In order to save time, please reformat him so that it looks EXACTLY like the approved profiles.

message 3: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) So, remove the likes, dislike, etc.?

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) And the blank lines too.

message 5: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) How's that?

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) A little better. No blank lines though.

NAME at the top, followed by two blank lines. The NAME should be what the person goes by, not their full name.

Relations aren't formatted properly either. It needs to be EXACTLY like the approved profiles. To a T. Or else Sunshine won't approve it, I'm afraid.

message 7: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Is that good?

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) Information should appear on the same line as the caption.

Get rid of extraneous info such as time of birth, etc. Nothing that wasn't originally in the template should appear on the profile unless you add it in sentence form in Other.

message 9: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) I fixed it.

message 10: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) - Name: need a space between colon and Joss

- Birthday: italicize the word "birthday" and delete "th"

- Year, Quidditch, Position: italicize the words

- Move Wand and all of its information from where it is to below Position

- Make sure you have spaces after all your colons

((Start with that please))

message 11: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Fixed it.

message 12: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Are you there?

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Italics, please!

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments (Wand) Length: "in." > 'inches'

message 15: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Okay.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments You're only allowed two pictures dear. One for the appearance of the character and one for the appearance of their pet. Nothing more.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments (I'm working on a bit of a project right now, but I will do a more thorough critique later.)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Shalom?

message 19: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) What?

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Please see message 16, dear.

message 21: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Oh, sorry!

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Grazi. :D Let me get a critique out. Give me a few.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Okay.

Wand Length: Capitalize the i of "inches".

Wand Description: Though not grammatically correct, this should all be one paragraph.

Appearance: The picture should be on the same line as the topic heading.

Description: Though not grammatically correct, this should all be one paragraph.

Background: Though not grammatically correct, this should all be one paragraph. (I'm worried about the... strict tragedy of his life...)

Relations: What is an Obliviator?

Appearance: The picture should be on the same line as the topic heading.

message 24: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) An Obliviator was a job on one of the Hogwarts websites. It's a job in the Ministry Of Magic and it is when they send you after a Witch/Wizard to erase their memory. (Like the spell Obliviate. It erases your memory.)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Ah, gotcha. Cool cool.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments (Please let me know once you've addressed the entirety of message 23 or if you have any questions.)

message 27: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Kk. And yes I have.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments All right. So Sarah and I have some reservations about his backstory. It is very, very tragic, and also very unrealistic for the world.

message 29: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Well, not completely. It's the wizarding world. Anything could happen.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments I will grant that tragedy is realistic. However, not just anything can happen, be it a wizarding world or not. I'm fine with him having some tragedy in his past, but I am not fine with tragedy being his past. Does that make sense?

message 31: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Um....not really. Sorry. Can you explain that? (I'm really slow today.)

message 32: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) In other words, tragedy should not be the ONLY thing about him. There should be more to him than just his back story; sure, your past defines who you are but it makes for a weak story if there is nothing else to it.

That wasn't well put either; sorry, I just woke up. :/

message 33: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) So I should add more things to his past?(Non-tragic)

message 34: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) I think so, and maybe take out some of the tragic-ness?

message 35: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) Also, the word that follows this symbol: » should be italicized.

message 36: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) Okay.
And I don't really know what to take out, but I can add some non-tragic things it.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Don't worry, Sarah and I are awesome at making characters (to be super-modest :P ) and one of our big things (well, at least me, I don't want to speak for Sarah) is encouraging some crazy-awesome character development. I just hope we don't frustrate you!

message 38: by яєуηα™ (new)

яєуηα™ (reynatm) You don't frustrate me. :)
I just want to make my character the best it can be and up to your standards.

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 600 comments Oh good! Let us know if we come across as discouraging or rude though please. It is neither of our goals (I can speak for Sarah with great certainty on this one!) to hurt your feelings or otherwise offend you!

Absolutely! And hopefully we can all help each other to grow as writers as well! Let me know once you've edited him or if you have any questions! (Or really anything else. I love just plain talking, not gonna lie. :D )

message 40: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) Hear hear. :)

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