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message 1: by Brett (new)

Brett Keeter | 19 comments He is a opening to a horror story I came up with. Let me know how it sounds to you.

Run faster run faster you idiot. Is what I thought to my self as I was running through the woods. This is why I should have worked out more. I knew I couldn't stop. If I did I know I'm a dead guy. I don't know where he came from but, that guy is a sick fuck. He killed them all. I couldn't believe it. Somehow I managed to hide long enough to get out of there. I still could not believe I watched him slit all there throats with that knife. He even killed the dog and, while he killed them he whistled that fucking tune. I couldn't get it out of my head. I'm so tired I need to rest. Where can I hide. Fuck fuck fuck there is no where to hide. Out of he corner of Jack's eye he spots a thick bush. He runs and jumps into the bush. He is panting from breathing so loud. I need to calm down, he thinks to his self. He sits there and catches his breath. He listens to see if he hears anyone coming. Just as he thinks he is safe, he hears that creepy tune again. Oh my god please don't let him find me. Jack peeks through the bush, and sees the man from the waist down. He was wearing dress pants and loafers. He just stood there whistling a maniacal tune and looking around. Then after about ten minutes he walked away. Jack still sat there for about 30 minutes after he left. Then finally he emerge from the bush. He started to walk away then he heard something. He started frantically looking around to see where he sound was coming from. Then out of nowhere Jack is jerked up into a tree and then falls back down, and hits the ground with a loud thud. Then the man in he dress pants and loafers drops down from the tree. He lands next to Jacks body. The man speaks that boy got his filthy blood on my loafers. The man slowly walks away, and while walking away he starts to whistle his favorite tune.

message 2: by Dionne (new)

Dionne | 46 comments This is really good. Make me want to know more. Though, and I'm sure its merely me but is the point of view first or third person? Just curious since you have both here.

Though it is some good writing/imagination. And I'm not really into horror anymore. When I was I sort of freaked myself out reading some of those stories, so I figured I better stop. Especially when the nightmares came after reading them. Stephen King to name one author I read who gave me nightmares after reading his books.

message 3: by Brett (new)

Brett Keeter | 19 comments Run faster run faster you idiot Jack thought to his self. As he was running he thought this is why I should have worked out more. He knew he couldn’t stop. He knew if he did that man would get him. Just liked he got his family. Jack couldn’t stop the man. It was already too late to save anyone. When he arrived home he found their bodies. His whole family laid out in the living room. They were set up like a scene from a movie. His wife’s body was in a chair and his kids bodies were on the sofa. They all had their throats slit from ear to ear. He fell to the floor when he saw them. As he lay on the floor he heard something. It was faint at first then it got louder. It was someone whistling. Jack scrambled back and hid behind their TV. He was able to see the man from the waist down when he walked in the room. The man was wearing dress pants and black loafers. Jack watched him move his family’s bodies all onto the sofa. Then the man pulled out a camera and took a picture of the bodies. Jack was about to try and attack the man from behind when the man spoke. I know you are there Jack he said maniacally. Jack jerked back against the wall. Don’t you like my handy work Jack he said? Jack tried to speak but stuttered as it came out who who are you? The man spoke who am I? Well I am just a man who likes to create pieces of art. Jack spoke again you are fucking sick and you will not get away with this. Really why do you think that Jack he said. Jack started to speak but started stuttering again be be because I won’t let you. Jack my boy do you think you can stop me. I have been doing this for many years and this always ends the same way. How does it end Jack blurted out. Well it ends with this and as he said that he pulled out a weird looking knife. What are you going to do with that Jack said? Well I am going to slit your throat Jack so you can join my art piece just like your family. As soon as he said that Jack took off back out the door. Now Jack was running through the thick woods behind his house. I have got to hide he thought. I can’t keep up this running. I’m going to pass out he thought. Jack spotted a thick bush and decided that was a good as place as any to hide. He ran and jumped in the bush. When he did he scrapped his face and hands up. As he sat up he was panting and trying to catch his breath. He noticed the blood dripping from his face. Fuck that hurts he thought. But he knew he had to keep quiet. If he didn’t that man would find him. He would do the same thing to him as what he did to his family. Jack sat as motionless and quiet as possible for what seemed like an eternity. Right as Jack thought it might be safe to move he heard something. He continued to sit there and then that man slowly emerged from the bushes. As he walked up he was whistling a creepy tune that Jack could not place. Jack sat there and watched the man just stand there and whistle that tune for a few minutes. Then the man stopped and he spoke Jack I know you are out here come on come out and let’s have some fun. Then the man started whistling that tune again and walked off into the woods. Jack decided to sit there for a little bit till he thought it might be safe to move. Then when he finally felt it might be safe he left his spot in the bush. As he came out of the bush he moved as quietly as possible. He listened for any sounds that could be that man. Jack did not hear anything. Until it was too late for Jack to do anything about it, the man came from behind Jack and before he knew it the man slit his throat. The blood sprayed profusely from Jacks neck for a few seconds. Then Jack fell to the ground and his blood started to pool around his lifeless body. The man just stood there above Jacks body and noticed Jack’s blood got on his loafers. That stupid man got blood on my shoes he said. Then the man pulled out a cloth from his pocket. He took the cloth and cleaned the handle of the knife. He took the knife and put it in Jack’s hand. Their now only one thing left to do the man said. The man pulled out his camera again and took a picture of Jacks body. Then the man put the camera back in his pocket and walked off back into the woods. As he did the man started whistling that tune once more. The police fount Jacks families bodies the next day. When his wife did not show up for work a coworker went to check on her and fount their bodies. The coworker called police when they showed up they assumed since Jack wasn’t there he must have done it. It took them only a few hours to find his body. When the police found his body they assumed since only his prints were on the knife that he killed his self after he knew he couldn’t get away with murder. Too the police this was an open and shut case for them. Just another father gone crazy and killed his family. When they informed the next of kin of what happen that’s when the real trouble started. Because Frank Smith Jack’s younger brother knew that his brother could never do something like this. The police already knew of Frank because he was a private investigator. Who on more than one occasion has interfered in police investigations. Frank Smith knew the minute the police knocked on his door something was wrong. When they tried to explain to him what they think happened. He knew they were wrong. He knew his brother could never hurt his family. His brother couldn’t even hurt at fly. Plus the man was out of shape so how could he have the strength to slit his whole family’s throats. Frank must have went down to the police station for the next month trying to get the chief to look into this case more. But the chief was stubborn and told him to drop this or the chief would place him under arrest for trying to waist police officers time. So Frank told him that he would drop it and leave the police alone about it. At least that’s what he wanted them to think. He decided that he and his partner Mike could look into it. When he brought the case to Mike had already had enough of his partner being obsessed with this. It was costing Frank and him money because Frank did not want to come to work. Nor did he want to work any new cases. Mike new that Frank cared about his brother and did not want to accept that his brother snapped and brutally murdered his whole family but he did. But Mike decided to work with Frank on this a little longer so that he could prove to Frank that the police were right. Frank and Mike started looking into families were killed like Jack’s. What they discovered shocked them both. In the last 5 years more than 30 families were killed that exact same way. In all the cases the fathers had no previous signs of rage or any arrest for abuse. Frank and Mike worked on this for another 3 months and that had no solid evidence that anyone else besides the fathers could have committed the crimes. Mike started to get tired of this day and night working on this because there P.I firm was going under cause of this. He had a family to take care of. He knew Frank would be pissed but he had to talk to him. So six months after Jacks death Mike and Frank were at a dinner in Chicago getting some lunch. Well at least Mike was Frank was just going over more interviews we had with the victims’ families. Frank we need to talk Mike said. What about Mike did you get any new information that could help us. No Frank it’s about this case I think we should put it on hold Mike said. What are you talking about Mike Frank said. We are just making some lead way on this. Frank do you hear yourself some lead way what are you talking about we have just been getting the same thing over and over again it always points to the fathers mike said.

message 4: by Brett (new)

Brett Keeter | 19 comments Please let me know what you think

message 5: by Michael (new)

Michael Benavidez interesting story, though I'm not sure what (I seriously suck at criticizing but it does help a writer grow) there is something about how you describe action that seems blocky to me, it's good description and writng but parts do seem blocky and sometimes unneeded. but like I said it is interesting and your writing is good just a lil touch up here and there though where exactly I can't help you with lol hope that was good advice?

message 6: by Brett (new)

Brett Keeter | 19 comments Yea I felt the same about some stuff. I need to go back and revise some stuff.

message 7: by Dana (new)

Dana Smythe | 273 comments Mod
You're changing tense between past and present, and changing perspective between first person, third person limited and third person omniscient throughout the entire thing - it makes for a very muddling read. I'd try to sort that out first.

message 8: by Brett (new)

Brett Keeter | 19 comments Ok I have rewrote the beginning of the story tell me what you think.

As Jack walked up to the door of his suburban home, he noticed the front door was ajar. Jack slowly pushed the front door open and walked in. Jack yelled for his wife " Beth are you home". Jack did not hear a response so he slowly sat his briefcase down on the floor as he did it made a clacking sound. Jack slowly made his way to the living room and as he walked into the room he was in shock because his wife and little kids were tied up on the couch. Jack rushed to his wife's side and ripped the tape covering her mouth and said "Beth what is going on". Beth yelled "jack watch out", but it was to late as jack turned around he was hit in the back of the head. As soon as Jack felt the hot he started seeing black spots then fell face first to the floor.

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