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Chit Chat > my jeans/genes are depressing

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message 1: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Mar 22, 2014 06:54AM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
This weekend, my jeans made me depressed. I got to looking at the size,the width, and the overall light blocking enormity of my jeans and just how big my hind end really is. Now, I have no delusions of how much room my 350lb. frame takes up, as I am painfully aware of this every day of my life when I am out in public and have to be careful of where I sit. Now, Narzain will sit there and cheerfully say that he likes my rear just fine, but this is not a matter of being attractive, but about basic size.

I heard on CNN yesterday about a new study that claims parents of overweight children do not always see them that way, and that many normal weight children are seen as being underweight. I know that I have heard that many large people do not always see themselves for the size they truly are, some seeing themselves as smaller,some larger. This leads to fashion choices that are not always for the best as they either live in denial or are trying to hide.

As I stared at my jeans, I began to wonder what it must be like for anyone walking behind me to have to look at that, and that made me feel worse. Now, I was feeling pretty good, that morning. I had had a good night at karaoke the night before at a coffee shop (I kicked considerable hind end!) and was feeling pretty proud of myself, until I went to get dressed. I began to wonder if any of the swimming I have been doing has been doing me any good, that I can't fight my genes and that I am just a fat loser who is not really making any kind of difference.

Then, last night Narzain and I were talking about "The Butler" which we just both watched. (If you haven't seen it yet, DO!) I am a student of the civil rights movement and this and "The Help" (both the book and the movie) really bring aspects of that to life in a way that a book doesn't. Not to be a major spoiler here, but there is a moment when he and his Black Panther son are talking about how soon and how much things need to change. He points out that in his job of serving at the White House, he is quietly changing minds and perceptions.

Does this way take time? Yes, but it also shows what
perceptions people have can be changed with better examples of what can be done by a group. Let's face it, discrimination comes from fear and lack of knowledge. At one time in this country, we were "helping the noble savage" by enslaving him. We were raising him up and giving a better life than he would have had in his homeland. This was a sincere belief that was held by many a conquering nation throughout history, like the enemy is a monster with 3 heads, that eats it's young until you come face to face with another human being and realize that they are no different from you.

That is what this comes down to really, how I see myself in a world that doesn't know what to do with me, so is sees me and others like me as noble savages that must be saved from themselves because they don't know any better. The thing is, I do know better. I know that I can swim 1 1/2 miles a week, that I recently did 1 3/4 miles in one week (see "Trying to be healthy for the whole story) and that I am healthier than I was 6 years ago, or 3 years ago, and that I will be healthier 4 months from now.

I do know that I am who I am, and that I am a very good singer,an excellent baker,the world's best nanny, and a really good friend. I am who I am, and that means me, large hind end and all. After all, I am who I am, and that is changing minds to the better every day, just by me being me.

I like that. It feels good.

message 2: by Paul (new)

Paul (merman1967) | 228 comments I am proud of you, Kim. You look at things critically. You take on HUGE challenges. When I look at you, I see YOU, not your keister. Well, I generally see the top of your head since I am so tall. Tee hee hee. Pardon, a moment of levity. Seriously, you are a fabulous person that I am glad to be able to call a friend.

message 3: by Narzain (new)

Narzain | 194 comments You are indeed you, and that's a wonderful thing to be. I am proud of you in so many ways that it's hard to express; just know that I am.

As for the comment about what people walking behind you see, remember that you dress well and appropriately, including shirts that come down far enough. So your hiney is not hanging out, and the overall picture you present is pretty well balanced. Of course, I notice your rear, but then, I'm looking. :)

message 4: by Kim, Proud Queen of the Fat and Fabulous! (last edited Feb 07, 2014 07:00AM) (new)

Kim (mrsnesbitt) | 1031 comments Mod
Thank you both. I do try to look at things from a whole sided perspective and not "oh, I'm fat boo-hoo, woe is me" kind of thing, but "I'm fat, so deal with it 'cause I am" perspective. I am who I am and I accept that, but there times when it is hard to accept that or some very real thing happens that brings reality crashing down on me and I lose sight of what is important, and that is staying true to WHO I am and not WHAT I am.

I am not defined by my size. It is part of me, but not all of me. I am so many things that are good, bad, and indifferent, but they are me all the same. I am a good person. I donate to charities throughout the year (when I can). I swim two times a week, which may not seem like much, but I have stuck with it every week (baring illness,weather and scheduling issues) for the last 3 years, which will soon be 4 years, so that right there is what makes that such a big deal. I am exercising,me of all people, are exercising and liking it! I get crabby when I can't go for crying out loud. I never thought I would ever say that, but there you go, another thing that makes me me.

This is the balance that I am trying to find, and hope that others will find themselves. It is not a single idea that everyone can use, but a series of ideas that when put together, can make your life yours, and make it work for you. See, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, have my doubts, my bad days, days when the entire can of Pringles-I-WASN'T GOING-TO-BUY-BUT-STUPID-PMS-WON ends up in my mouth in one sitting,days when I do really well and am proud of myself and days when I am a quivering ball of rage.

We all have them, and that is my point. Have those days. Embrace them, and then move on. Remember that you are who you are now, and that you may change things you don't like, but change them for you and no one else. Change what you can and accept what you can't.

I will learn to love my hind end no matter what size it is just as I learned to stop fearing seeing my naked body in a mirror. (Thank the Y for that one too.) I'll get there. Eventually.

We all will.

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