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Meet the Authors > Richard Martinus - Is SpaSpa French for BadenBaden?

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message 1: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Here, then, my author thread. You don’t really want to hear about me as well, do you? Didn’t think so. Suffice to say I’m half-Welsh, half-Dutch, resident in Derbyshire and have one novel out to date: Death, I've Found Your Sting by Richard Martinus

In obedience to Simon’s guidance, I ought to say what made me write it. That would be the observation that my then employer – exceedingly thinly disguised in the book – seemed less interested in making useful products or turning a profit than it was in making its employees miserable. There had to be a reason, and acting as a Hell surrogate seemed as good a one as any.

It was originally written in 1999 but, thanks to a tortuous and occasionally gruesome set of delays, only saw the light of day last year. The fact that it’s a standalone novel has not prevented me from writing a sequel, which will be out on Kindle on Saturday, all being well, and a spin-off novelette due out in about a month.


message 2: by David (new)

David Staniforth (davidstaniforth) | 7939 comments Richard wrote: "Here, then, my author thread. You don’t really want to hear about me as well, do you? Didn’t think so. Suffice to say I’m half-Welsh, half-Dutch

Would that make you Wetch or Dulsh?

Good luck with the book. :~)


message 3: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments David wrote: "Would that make you Wetch or Dulsh?"

Actually, Newtown Montgomeryshire, which, I am informed by real Welsh people, doesn't count. So make that double Dutch.

Also, make that Monday for the new book; some folks seem to have organised some kind of beanfeast on Saturday. Thoroughly inconsiderate of them...


message 4: by Lynda (new)

Lynda Wilcox (lyndawrites) | 1142 comments Good Lord! I never thought to see Heage in the title of a book.

I'm originally from around that way myself, Richard. My mother lives just around the corner in Horsley Woodhouse and regularly travel through Heage (it's not the kind of place you'd want to linger) on my way to see her.

Good luck with the book and enjoy your beanfeast.


message 5: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Lynda wrote: "Good Lord! I never thought to see Heage in the title of a book."

That was just the working title. It didn't seem a good plan to go with something that would be meaningless to anyone who didn't live within a five mile radius of Ambergate.


message 6: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments “Try not to refer to our clients as ‘the dead’ – it stigmatises them. For the same reason, terms like ‘corpses’, ‘stiffs’ and ‘bundles of ectoplasm’ are also discouraged, at least in official communications.” From a Corporate Governance directive on dignity and equity as they apply to inhabitants of levels 6-13 underworlds inclusive, Afterlife Services England & Wales.


message 7: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments “The apparent absence of animals in the afterlife has led some to assume it is limited to beings that can understand the difference between right and wrong. If this is so, what happens to tabloid journalists?” From Hellzapoppin’: A History of the Afterlifegate Scandal.


message 8: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments “Masochists, as connoisseurs of pain, are uniquely qualified to inject the necessary element of objectivity into the quality control testing of new forms of torture. Consequently, there is a huge demand for their services, and few who are condemned to Hell ever have to suffer the mundane torments inflicted on their fellow fallen sinners. Which is just as well, when you think about it, because they would probably rather enjoy them, thus defeating the object of the exercise.” From the manual Hell: Its Structure and Function.


message 9: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments “The public has a right to expect that an industry which, amongst other things, buries people in radioactive manure, is fully transparent and open to scrutiny by an independent regulator.” Statement from the UK Home Secretary, quoted in Hellzapoppin’: A History of the Afterlifegate Scandal.


message 10: by Beverley (new)

Beverley Carter | 199 comments OMG Richard! I lived in Heage for a few months several years ago, before moving to Belper for a while, after which I came back down south to Bedfordshire!


message 11: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments This is starting to get scary. Soon we'll find half the people in this group have a Heage connection.

Or, failing that, Whatstandwell...


message 12: by David (new)

David Staniforth (davidstaniforth) | 7939 comments I have a He Age, connection!


message 13: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments I had thought of naming this thread "From Beer to Eternity", to be more inclusive.


Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments Beer?


message 15: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Precisely.


message 16: by David (new)

David Manuel | 1147 comments Richard wrote: "I had thought of naming this thread "From Beer to Eternity", to be more inclusive."

Or just "Free Beer!" But then you'd probably have just gotten views from some of the aging male writers who lurk these parts like Jim, Tim, and, er, me.


message 17: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments David wrote: "Or just "Free Beer!" But then you'd probably have just gotten views from some of the aging male writers who lurk these parts like Jim, Tim, and, er, me."

< GeneHunt > You make that sound like it’s a bad thing < /GeneHunt >


message 18: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments “We have embarked upon a challenging and exciting journey to build a joined-up, robust organisational ecosystem that embeds not just quality but also quality performance while delivering efficiencies across the spectrum.” From Liberating the Afterlife, reorganisation policy document, Afterlife Services England & Wales.

Last teaser before tomorrow's release, I promise. What's disturbing about this one is I didn't make it up.


message 19: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments All's Hell That Ends Hell by Richard Martinus All’s Hell That Ends Hell is now available to download from Amazon, free of charge until Wednesday 12th February, and for 77 pee for a month or so after that. Death, I’ve Found Your Sting is also reduced in price for the duration.

Where it predecessor dealt with the hell that is the private sector, the new novel is set in an afterlife that seems to bear a suspicious resemblance to the NHS, particularly during Andrew Lansley’s oh so very well thought out reorganisation of 2010-12. It’s the giant snakes that give it away, isn’t it?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Alls-Hell-Tha...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Death-Found-Y...


message 20: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments I’ll be ending the 77p promo on the 2 above novels on or about 7th March, if anyone is still contemplating getting either on the cheap. Although you can of course get them for nada by asking me, but then I will whinge on at you endlessly about writing a review, so perhaps 77p is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Shortly afterwards the plan is to launch a perma-free spinoff novelette on Smashwords, which will be, needless to say, better than either novel anyway (there won't be any rambling, Kath!) so you could just wait for that.


message 21: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Enraptured A Novelette About Lamias by Richard Martinus
What: Enraptured: A Novelette About Lamias is a spin-off from All's Hell That Ends Hell (see above).

Length: 13,000 words.

Blurb: The Apocalypse may or may not be around the corner, but the lamias of Nether Parts Punishments, Afterlife Services England & Wales (Hell), have a more serious problem to deal with. The delivery of twenty-eight unruly souls to the wrong address – viz, their office – and the subsequent overly energetic castigation of said souls by an unsupervised young demon on secondment, could lead to them facing one of the ultimate horrors the underworld has to offer: a disciplinary panel. Hell, we learn, can be almost as much of a trial for the staff as for the customers.

Note: This ebook is available for free from Smashwords
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/...


message 22: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments A red letter day, as All's Hell has just garnered its first 5* review! Granted, it's only on the Oz version of the Zon (there's got to be an Oz Zon hole joke in there somewhere). Also, it's from Ian who edited the book for me, but I'm sure you can see it's heartfelt:

"I confess. I stalk Richard Martinus in the vain hope that he might accidentally drop his shopping list and I can read it. I have been a fan of his unpublished work for many years and it is great to see his novels finally coming to fruition. "All's Hell That Ends Hell" continues the story of "Death, I've Found Your Sting," which was a very satisfying read as you can tell from my review of it (although inexplicably missing the usual items of milk, bread, Kylie Minogue blow-up doll... sorry, that's the shopping list again). Although D,IFYS stands alone it did leave a few questions unanswered and AHTEH chases these questions down, traps them in a blind alley, beats them up for their lunch money, and makes a clean getaway except for forgetting its wallet and finding the police on its doorstep that evening. All in all, a fine addition to the Martinus archive. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think he's writing his name in the snow by some means so I have to run."


message 23: by Lynda (new)

Lynda Wilcox (lyndawrites) | 1142 comments Lol! Love it. A reviewer with a sense of humour.

Congrats, Richard, and when are you publishing your shopping lists? I have them on my tbr list already. :)


message 24: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments The Kylie Minogue blow-up doll is for research, obviously, and in no way connected with Mrs M's broken ankle.


message 25: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments So, people who viewed "Enraptured" on Zon.com also viewed "What Happens After Death" by the United Church of God. I suspect they reached a different conclusion.


message 26: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Right, I am now dutifully poking my author thread. If it turns on me and eats my brain, I'd like it known that this is entirely Patti's fault.


Gingerlily - The Full Wild | 36808 comments Night of the Living Thread?


message 28: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Before the devil knows your thread.


Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments The zombies are creeping tonight!


Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments Ha!


message 32: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Now it's going to be another 6 months before I dare come back here...


Gingerlily - The Full Wild | 36808 comments Patti will still be here....


Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments Gingerlily - Elephant Philosopher wrote: "Patti will still be here...."

Perhaps. One never knows.


Gingerlily - The Full Wild | 36808 comments How would you cope without us??


Patti (baconater) (goldengreene) | 61757 comments I'd get more reading done.


message 37: by Richard (new)

Richard Martinus | 646 comments Just a quickie reminder that Enraptured Enraptured A Novelette About Lamias by Richard Martinus , SpaSpa longlisted in both humour and short story categories, is once again totally free in the US and UK until such a time as Amazon yet a-bloody-gain decide to start charging for it without telling me.


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