Paranormal & Urban Fantasy, Monthly Group Reads discussion

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Chit Chat - Getting to Know You > ~ Daily Joke / Funny Picture ~

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message 1: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
This was suggested in another Group I am in (and the idea was turned down oddly enough lol) and I thought it would be awesome to do here!

Its called Daily joke, but feel free to post jokes in this thread if you find one that is a must share :D




message 2: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.

The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!


message 3: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (last edited Jul 03, 2009 10:33AM) (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Top 10 Excuses for Sleeping at Work



1. Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
2. I was working smarter — not harder.
3. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.
4. Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
6. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
7. I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at that seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
9. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
10. Geez, boss, I thought you were gone for the day.



message 4: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I
know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very
quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."



message 5: by Jessi (new)

Jessi  (jessim) LOL, that is funny Tricia.


message 6: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ Things Men Should Never Say in Victoria's Secret

10. Do you have this in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, I'm just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this!!
6. Oh, the size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. That's okay. You don't have to wrap it, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Miracle what? This is better than world peace.
2. 45 bucks? You're just going to end up naked anyway!
1. And the thing a man should never, ever under any circumstances say out loud in Victoria's Secret: Oh, honey, you'll never get your fat butt into that!


message 7: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ And how about this one...

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fas to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fas back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."


message 8: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
LOL nice ones!


message 9: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Last Day on the Job


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


message 10: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ that's great.


message 11: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.



message 12: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"


message 13: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ ROFL.


message 14: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
The New Seaman




The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman in the crew and barked at him “Get over here! What’s your name?”

“Paul, sir” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t care what kind of bleeding heart, pansy crap they’re teaching sailors at boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name!” the Chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker. And I am to be referred to only as ‘Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, aye, Chief”

“Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?!!”

“Darling, sir, my name is Paul Darling, Chief”

“Okay, Paul, here’s what I want you to do….”



message 15: by Unapologetic_Bookaholic, Co-Lead (new)

Unapologetic_Bookaholic | 902 comments Mod
hehe


message 16: by Unapologetic_Bookaholic, Co-Lead (new)

Unapologetic_Bookaholic | 902 comments Mod
Barbara wrote: "And how about this one...

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, s..."

Ha!



message 17: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once.
You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says...
"WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"


message 18: by Unapologetic_Bookaholic, Co-Lead (new)

Unapologetic_Bookaholic | 902 comments Mod
♥Tricia♥ wrote: "At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separat..."

Hehe



message 19: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


message 20: by ♦Jennifer♦ (new)

♦Jennifer♦ (thejenneral) | 83 comments ♥Tricia♥ wrote: "Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND ..."


Rofl




message 21: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
hehe I been meaning to post a joke a day *hence the title* but I get so busy sometimes /cry

I will try and do better! :D


message 22: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!


message 23: by ♦Jennifer♦ (new)

♦Jennifer♦ (thejenneral) | 83 comments Lol, wow. When you put it like that prison looks much more appealing. >.<


message 24: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
[image error]


message 25: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod


Not so much funny but it was cute so :P


message 26: by Shannon (new)

Shannon (theholyterror) In reply to your "hotdog"






message 27: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Lol! Too cute!


message 28: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ A trip to Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.


message 29: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
LOL!! That was awesome!!



message 30: by Book Huntress (last edited Sep 25, 2009 08:00AM) (new)

Book Huntress (bookhuntress) | 84 comments LOL

OMG you made me snort!!!!!


message 31: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (last edited Sep 25, 2009 01:11PM) (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod



message 32: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ I love that shot. Even his eyes look alien.


message 33: by ♦Jennifer♦ (new)

♦Jennifer♦ (thejenneral) | 83 comments lol, I wonder how people come up with these captions. That is just too funny :D


message 34: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ Good Employees

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called the manager and asked hi, "Why is it you only employee married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."


message 35: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
LOL nice one Barbara!


message 36: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"



message 37: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod


The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.



message 38: by Barbara ★ (last edited Sep 27, 2009 04:28PM) (new)

Barbara ★ ROFLMAO! I have 5 cats. Too true!


message 39: by Book Huntress (new)

Book Huntress (bookhuntress) | 84 comments Have both cats and dogs... and wow is this ever true... thanks for the laugh...


message 40: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
[image error]


message 41: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
[image error]


message 42: by ♦Jennifer♦ (new)

♦Jennifer♦ (thejenneral) | 83 comments lmao, trojan HORSE! And that kitten is so cute. *cuddles*


message 43: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


message 44: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ I love it!


message 45: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
[image error]


message 46: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ ROFLMAO!!!!!


message 47: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
[image error]


message 48: by Barbara ★ (new)

Barbara ★ cute


message 49: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
Diggin It

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The only man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were hear my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dea Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4a.m. teh next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dea Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie


message 50: by ♥Tricia♥, Group Lead (new)

♥Tricia♥ (siddie) | 1167 comments Mod
[image error]


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