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Fantasy > A life between the shadows

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message 1: by Lot (last edited Nov 30, 2013 11:11AM) (new)

Lot (lot1) | 21 comments Let's just say that I had finished to translate the prologue so hope to enjoy it~

Prologue

The baby was sleeping in his bed and the grandmother was watching him. The old lady, despite the fact she had only sixty seven and looked like fifty because of her blue eyes , was thinking about what had happened since she entered in The Society and what will happen if he find out where she is hiding. The child began to cry and his grandmother took him in her arms and with a beautiful voice she started to sing:

’Silence night
Endless sight
All the time
We say good bye...’

Her last words were interrupted by the silence made by the baby in the moment she said ”good bye”.
’If you would know what a strange destiny awaits you, she said when she put the baby back on the bed, a big one full of mysteries and dark magic.’
Only after she kissed slowly his forehead she realized that she was not alone at all. No! There was a third person who seemed to be waiting the moment to act. Turning around the woman saw right in front of her eyes the man she was running from so far. His black jeans accompanied by a T-shirt full of blood made her to shiver and to think at a battle plan.
'What are you doing here?' she asked scared and refusing to watch him in the eyes because she knew that she will be completely paralized if she would watch them.
'I had come to kill the child and you too if you are resisting me' he answered with a devil smile on his face.
’You will never touch this child’ she said getting angrier. She stretches her right hand and a glare light leaves behind a well-crafted sword with old runes on the both sides of the sword. The guy made the same thing just as his light was a dark mixed with pure hatred.
And so the battle began. The woman attacked and the guy para attacked until, finally exhausted, the woman created a seal that was aimed at blocking enemy inside it for a few minutes for them to leave the house. In the moment when the red flames surrounded him, the enemy threw his sword through them managing to hit the old woman’s chest.
After the flames dissapeared he went to the child unseeing the fact that the woman was still alive and she already draw a symbol with her blood. He felt his hand burning and he knew what she had done. Watching her face, the woman’s enemy understood just a few words before she died. He had seen the child and the fear of the old ladie’s surprises was too big to think of killing him. He has enough time to do it.


message 2: by Dana (new)

Dana Smythe | 273 comments Mod
Hey Jack - before I make any comments I wanted to ask: is this the prologue for a short story or for a book?


message 3: by Lot (new)

Lot (lot1) | 21 comments Hmmmm...It's for a book~
I know it's very short and I have a perfect reason for this...At a certain moment you will find out why...


message 4: by Dana (last edited Nov 30, 2013 10:31AM) (new)

Dana Smythe | 273 comments Mod
Good to know -
Part of my comments do have something to do with the shortness - I don't object to it's being short, but I do think that you move from the touching scene between grandmother and child into the fight scene too quickly. There's not enough time to build up tension. It wouldn't take too much to correct this - really just one more paragraph, or maybe two at the most. There could be more description of the Society or the grandmother's enemy, or even just a description of the room if you wanted - the point is, the reader needs a little bit of time to start thinking that something is wrong.

My other comment is that I'm quite confused by the last paragraph. It may just have been lost in translation, but I'm really not sure what's happening in it.

The prologue is interesting though - and I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story. The beginning was especially interesting - the grandmother and the baby in the dark room, with a destiny looming in the background somewhere. It's a good hook for the opening.


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