Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry discussion

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New Characters > Sofilia Marie Martinez

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message 1: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments Please follow the character format.


message 2: by Emma, Head of Ravenclaw (new)

Emma | 256 comments There should be no spaces, and no quotations in between sections.


message 3: by Emma, Head of Ravenclaw (new)

Emma | 256 comments Make sure there are only two blank lines under SOFIA


message 4: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments There is something funky going on with the pet appearance.


message 5: by Emma, Head of Ravenclaw (new)

Emma | 256 comments something a little funky with the regular appearance too....did you format the size?


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments My Notes:


Age:
• "16 years old" | Please list simply '16'.

House:
• "6th year" | Please list simply '6'.

Quidditch:
• You need to apply for Quidditch and student positions.

Position:
• "A normal student" | Please list simply 'Student'.

Wand Description:
• ""So, let me get this straight; You brought your own Phoenix feather?' Mr. Ollivander asked, perking an eyebrow." | Punctuation. The apostrophe after "Phoenix feather" should be a quotation mark.
• ""I want a wand with this feather!"She told him, nearly jumping up and down." | "nearly" or 'practically'? | There should be a space after the quotation mark following the exclamation mark and "feather" and the s of "She" should not be capitalized.
• "Mr. Ollivander looked down at young ten year old girl. Surely she wouldn't leave without a yes. And at the very thought, Mr.Ollivander smiled wearily." | First off, there should be a space after the period of "Mr." | Second, awkward phrasing, especially given the following two sentences. Here's a suggestion. 'Mr. Ollivander looked down at the young, ten-year-old girl. Surely she wouldn't leave without a yes. At the very thought, he smiled wearily.'
• "Such a young yet determined soul. Maybe the Phoenix feather would corporate, and chose her as she chose it." | Word confusion. "corporate" should be 'cooperate'.
• "And so Mr.Ollivander gave herthe smallest of nods, and in return, received the brightest of smiles." | Spacing. A space after the period of "Mr." and a space in between "herthe" in order to be 'her the'.
• "Months later, the little girl came back." | How many months...? A few months is a big difference from eight or whatever.
• "September 1st, was a week away. She walked up to his desk and looked up at him, her eyes filled with hope." | "September 1st" should be 'September first'.
• "Mr. Ollivander, who honestly didn't remember he had made her a wand went out to find some wands would be the best of fits." | Grammar. There needs to be a comma after "he had made her a wand". | Wording. "...went out to find some wands would be the best of fits." 'went to grab some wands for her, to see which would be the best fit.'
• "The wand he had made for her, sat in it's box." | No comma. | "it's" is a contraction of 'it is'. What you are looking for is the possessive of 'it' which is 'its'.
• "He had gone to reach to the one next to it, but paused. This one seemed to be calling. So he took it." | Unclear wording. 'He was reaching for wand next to it when he paused. The wand he'd made with the phoenix feather seemed to be calling. So he took it with him.' I think at that point he would remember he had made the wand for her. Also, what do you mean by calling?
• "First he had her try a cherry unicorn hair wand." | It's been a while since you last mentioned her name, so maybe say 'Sophia' instead of "her"?
• "Quite a nice little fire was on his robes." | Unclear wording, my dear. Do you mean 'was set'?
• "Terrible winds blew through the store, knocking many things over." | What all is in the store to be knocked over? Rather than saying "many", leaving us wondering what all was knocked over, maybe just say 'knocking things over.' It doesn't bring as much attention to "things", instead letting us focus on the action.
• After countless tries, only one wand was left. And it stuck out." | Consider making this one sentence. 'After countless tries, only one wand was left, and it stuck out.'
• "Red and White swirls climbed up the Dogwood wand, ending in an almost crown shape at the top." | The r of "red" and the w of "white" should not be capitalized. | "almost crown" should be hyphenated 'almost-crown'. | If it's not a crown, what is the shape?
• "He smiled, remembering why the wand had called." | Ah, I see why he didn't remember before.
• "This, was it's master." | No comma.
• "Carefully, He placed it in her hands, and almost instantly, the whole store brightened." | The h of "He" should not be capitalized. | No comma after hands.
• "She gave it a little swish, and Mr.Ollivander grew quite a long beard. She laughed." | Consider making this one sentence. "She laughed," is awkward, especially as it is the second-to-last sentence. | Space after "Mr."!
• "And that, was how the wand chosen by it's master, chose it's master too." | "it's" should be "its" | 'And that was how the wand chosen by its master, chose its master too.' (No comma after "that".)

I'm gonna take a break to go get some food. Speaking of food, I hope my comments give you some food for thought in the meantime!


message 7: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments -"'So, let me get this straight; You brought your own Phoenix feather?' Mr. Ollivander asked, perking an eyebrow." | "You" should not be capitalized.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Oops. Thanks Bellatrix!


message 9: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments No prob. :)


message 10: by C, Head of Gryffindor (last edited Dec 01, 2013 04:51PM) (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments -"Inches" should be capitalized in the wand length.

-For the position, simply put "Student".


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Let us know once you have edited, please. Otherwise we don't know.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments (Gentle reminder, dear.)


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Background: The p of "Physiologist" should not be capitalized.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Please let us know anytime you've updated the profile, please.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments All good. :) Give me just a little bit.


message 16: by s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§», Headmaster (last edited Dec 07, 2013 06:33PM) (new)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Wand Description: "jumping up and down. 'Mr. Ollivander looked" | There's a weird apostrophe in front of "Mr."

"the brightest of smiles. 3 Months" | Please spell out "3."


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Appearance:

This is formatted funny. Did you do anything to format it? The only thing needed to embed it is <.img src="link"/> without the period.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Pet: No dogs.


message 19: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments Formatting of photo is still weird.


message 20: by C, Head of Gryffindor (last edited Dec 08, 2013 07:28PM) (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments Think this pic is better:



http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/bg/Ar...


message 21: by Emma, Head of Ravenclaw (new)

Emma | 256 comments But that's Ariana Grande....


message 22: by C, Head of Gryffindor (last edited Dec 08, 2013 07:34PM) (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments ☾Ⓔⓜⓜⓐ☽ wrote: "But that's Ariana Grande...."

Gosh, you're right! I didn't notice that. :/ Hipster, she's too famous, sorry.


message 23: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments -"This, was it's master." | "This was its master."


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments She's famous. And we decided that famous faces are a no-no.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments I don't believe she is famous. I'll let Sarah make the final ruling on that, but I think that picture is a pretty safe bet.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Background: Spell out all numbers please.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Relations: "age" should be capitalized.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Year: "6th" should be '6'

Pet Age: "2 years" should be '2' | Also with that, most people get their pet before their first year, so he should maybe be older.


message 29: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) Not famous. She's good.


message 30: by s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§», Headmaster (last edited Jan 09, 2014 05:34PM) (new)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Two things:


Why is the pet so young? Did she not get him before/for her first year?

Background should be one paragraph (squish it together, is all).


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Why...? If you could include a reason, that would be great.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Yeah sure, not a problem.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Aww! A few grammar things (I'm a grammar nut... :/) in that section and I think she'll be good!

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"Chessur is a small all black cat. He has dark blue eyes as well. Due to Sofia's constant bathing he has soft fur as well. He is very adorable and shy, and hides from people behind Sofia herself. Only when he really likes a person does he come out and let them see him."

For starters, you use "as well" three times within these five sentences. Generally speaking, I would recommend trying to avoid using the same word or phrase really close together. "Very" is also another word that is frequently unnecessary. Words have their own strength, so try to find a stronger word to replace the word "very" is modifying, and you won't need to use "very".

Okay, now let's look at this paragraph. The first two sentences are both describing Chessur's physical features. As such, they are easily combined. For example, "Chessur is a small black cat with dark blue eyes." Concise and to the point. "All-black" is unnecessary, because you tell us that he is black, and unless you tell us that he has other colors on him, we will assume that he is, indeed, solely black.

The next sentence, "Due to Sofia's constant bathing he has soft fur as well." Again, "as well" is not needed. (That phrase is rarely truly needed in writing.) As it stands right now, the person who is constantly bathing is Sofia, not Chessur. Play with this sentence. Language is meant to be played with, it demands to be plated with.

"He is very adorable and shy, and hides from people behind Sofia herself." Unnecessary words: "very", "herself". "And" is used twice in this sentence. Play with this!

In the last sentence, "and let them see him" is not needed.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Better, definitely! A few issues still, but definitely improved! I just noticed something in Relations. With her parents, the "Was a" is not needed.

"Chessur is a small black cat with dark blue eyes and due to Sofia's constant bathing he has soft fur. He is very adorable, but he's shy and tends to hide from people behind Sofia herself. Only when he really likes a person does he come out."

The first sentence should be too sentences. The "very" and "herself in the second sentence aren't needed. The last sentence is missing an ending, it feels like. "...does he come out" and what?


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