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Short Story Contest > [2013, Nov] LOC

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message 1: by Zenab (new)

Zenab Ch | 2099 comments Mod
Lub dub, Lub dub, Lub dub…he could hear the throbbing of heart in his ears. He was well aware of the danger which surrounded him. Although he was not a coward nor it was his first mission. But the hostility on that ground was unpredictable. Feeling scared, he was staring ground for last two hours. Making stretches and straightening back could grab the attention of the commander-in-charge, who was marching to and fro in heavy boots. His black boots were like the mouth of alligator, wanting him to engulf.
Commander stopped near his back. He could feel the piercing eyes of commander. A slight tingling sensation arose in his stomach and started to roam inside him like a wind. From his tousle hair, a drop of sweat came out and made its journey towards his back. His back began to itch, then, his legs and the soles of his feet. He wanted to scratch, but a little movement could turn his game and he did not want to lose at this moment. Finally the journey of a drop ended by being absorbed in the folds of shirt. He was ready to be caught by his collar…1, 2, 3… ahhh! He sighed in relief. The commander was not aware of his presence or of the tool hidden inside his sock. As soon the commander went away, his itching vanished somewhere in the air.
Someone came and whispered in commander’s ear. It was a right time for him to see his ally from the tail of his eyes. His companion seemed dejected and disappointed, as he was sure of the failure of their mission. Oh damn! He said in heart. He did not like the expression of his friend’s face. They were doing it for their whole life and it was last time they were attempting this task. After it they would never be troubled. They were about to break the door of the cage, then, they would be free like birds flying high in the sky without the danger of being hunt. It was a matter of life and death. He could not afford to turn back now. He had to cross that line of control else how would he face his friends and society? He had to do that for the sake of his father’s dignity, for his mother’s pleasure. He could not stand the failure.
Finally he made a decision. He sat straight, moved his head to see his partner face to face, with the sparkles in his eyes and a victorious smile on lips. His partner was no longer his partner. The stars of his eyes have already switched off as he has given up hope of triumph. Suddenly a color came on his fade cheeks and his eyes grew wide in horror as he saw his brave and bold friend leaned forward and took out a tool out of his sock.
He unfolded the micro, set it among the answer sheet and started copying answer. His writing hand was running like an untamed mare but… it had to stop because of the impediment. The invigilator got him red-handed and snatched his tool. Obviously he did not care about his mother’s pleasure or father’s dignity. It was not his concern that what story that ‘CHEATER’ would tell his future children and grand children about being flung in Physics. He was in-charge of that Examination Hall and he could not let any boy to cross his Line Of Control.

message 2: by Owaiz (new)

Owaiz Mhm

message 3: by Zenab (new)

Zenab Ch | 2099 comments Mod
Goodreaders please rate each story on a scale of 1-10 in the comments please. This way I can tally up the scores and choose a winner.

message 4: by Sameea (new)

Sameea | 292 comments haha at first the writer makes it seem as though the story has started out in a battle ground/bootcamp? but we find out towards the end of the story that the actual location is an examination hall. (that's what i thought)

The writing has room for improvement, but it was an interesting idea. 5/10

message 5: by Lara (new)

Lara Zuberi (larazuberi) | 569 comments I also like the idea, but I have to agree that the basic required elements are missing: command over language and grammar as well as clarity. I think the author is intelligent, but needs to work on improving these elements.

message 6: by Lara (new)

Lara Zuberi (larazuberi) | 569 comments 4.5/10

message 7: by Zenab (new)

Zenab Ch | 2099 comments Mod
Interesting twist but didn't flow too well. 5/10

message 8: by Sohaib (new)

Sohaib | 6884 comments 4/10 too vague for me sorry... At the start too much emphasis and word count was wasted on environment and no room was left for the story :\... Plus repetition of same noun (Commander) again and again was not good

message 9: by Adeel (new)

Adeel Hasan (adeelhasan) | 78 comments 4/10. Agreed with what Lara said.

message 10: by Hammad (new)

Hammad zahid | 20 comments Gripping start.Interesting idea.I really liked the lub dub thingy, but the detailed descriptions lacked originality (especially that descriprion of sweat drop) and made the story sound monotonous. 6/10.

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