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Short Story Contest > [2013, Nov] Untitled

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message 1: by Zenab (new)

Zenab Ch | 2099 comments Mod
The Door she pushed open, bare footed, made her step onto luscious green grass bed wet with sparkling drops of dew. With every step forward the grass grew darker increasing the serenity and calmness to its limits in the air, slight fragrance of flowers of the night the cold breeze had spread and full moon surrounded by numerous shinning stars never seen altogether in ages convinced her to stay there for the rest of her life but a thought of unusuality of the place came and here she stopped, opened her eyes..with a blink of an eye Durr e Shehwar was back in her room being tucked in between bed sheets of cream silk in a double storey house her father had bought for the settlement of his family in America before her birth. To her amazement she was not at that place any more but her feet were still cold as if she had walked onto the damp grass,her hair almost messed up as if breezes ran through them once; untucking herself from the sheets rose to her feet for all this had numbed her mind for a second. Spellbound, she kept looking at her feet having damp grass and soil on them..tried hard to regain her sensibility by looking at pile of things around which convinced her of no such trip except her appearance which clearly promised her visit to that place. Some say that dreams are visions of the thoughts and happenings of the whole day and the most appealing ones appear in our dreams,the dream of her says it all. The day came after the night's vision,started with an alarm call for Fajar prayer but the rest spent thinking about the vision and its existence. She didn’t let anyone know about it because it was her quest to achieve..waited anxiously for the night to come, quickly freed herself from all the chores of house and her assignment that she had to submit by the next day before afternoon, dressed in her favorite night robe and off to bed she went. She's ready for the vision,her new quest to discover all about that world, slightly fearful inside, closed her vision,no door,rats where’s it?!?..In despair opened her eyes and then tried once again..but in vain,no vision,nothing happened like she had the previous night!! Reversed her thoughts to her day,the people who smiled,who gestured ingnoringly of what she was having deep in her heart and never asked her what she was hiding and running from..wished she could tell all she’d in her mind but nobody could understand her state was the conclusion drawn every other night when a pity party was held just before going to bed with she being the host and audience all by herself. People got used to her ways of handling things on her own but at times the people who appear strong need a shoulder to place their head on. It takes great courage to share with people all the storms and tornados one’s facing inside and she just was’t that strong. After sobbing till late, sighed and closed her eyes..Here’s something she’d been waiting for so long!!The Door appeared which she pushed open excitedly and stepped onto the grass her feet’re longing for,took deep breaths filling her lungs with the air to the fullest. Everything was exactly the way it’s last night, the dew covered her feet as she stepped onto the overgrown grass bed but tonight the moonlight filtered down in between the clouds, made her way visible daring her to step forward. At some distance she saw a lantern hanging on top of a branch of tree, lighting a bridge that was made by a fallen tree but the moths and flies of dark were all over; bugging her to an extent that she couldn’t tackle their bugging any longer and covered her ears. She checked the bridge before stepping on it and then walked half way uninterrupted till when she realized that something was holding her back, though she could’ve moved further but instead decided to turn around, although had instincts of something creepy’ll happen but to her surprise it was just a fly which’s light up quite differently from a common firefly . To her amaze it was big enough to make her stop and look at it for a while longer than usual; in its light it was clearly visible that her robe had got stucked in one of the dead twigs of the fallen tree. She leaned down to remove her robe from the twig and breathlessly turned towards the end of the bridge with the aim of crossing it to check what this mysterious place holds in it..Becoming intimate of the calmness, sky and air which's so good to breath in, almost reminded her of the quiet breezes of her childhood mornings when she’d wake up before Fajar call to have a peek of the sun rise, dew on flowers and the sweet breezes to savor. She would have felt a bit indifferent being in a complete strange place at night all by herself but being curious and scared together at the same time were the feelings which brought her so far from the site she’d started her quest to know what this world’s all about; stepped on to stones, flowers, damp grass, gained balance many times while proceeding as the grass was getting more damp and moist, promising to make her fall. The quiet lake by her side with fireflies lighting it and sweet smelling flowers bloomed to the fullest in the moonlight did try to imbalance her focus; she's just about to step onto a puddle that could ruin her white chiffon robe but saved herself right on time before her robe could turn into a disaster and that would have made her folks suspicious about it!
She had developed a habit of visiting that place every night,at first it was difficult to go to her special place in the forest where there was a tree under which a bed of silk white sheets was laid with all the green grass and flowers at her feet while creepers grass covering bed’s back..on her right was lake over which reflection of the sky with moon and stars amused her to a peaceful sleep.The calmness of the place was the sole reason why she anxiously waited for the night to come,even in autumn drizzling would make ambient music never heard before and help her sleep forgetting all her . She would keep her favorite book of quotes right next to her so whenever she opened it the fireflies always gathered around her and would stay with her till she took the bus to dreamland every night while reading the book. Whenever she felt like sleeping she used to tuck in her bed under the tree and then the call of Fajar would wake her up in her room.. All day she kept herself busy in her chores but deep inside her heart she knew she will be visiting that place and this helped her cope with the downfalls of life,her irrational behavior towards her people was changing and she was becoming more open and polite,people did feel the difference but she was unaware of the changes in her tone and behavior which those visits to the land were bringing in her..She was becoming herself again,the same girl who always seemed happy around people putting smiles and making them laugh by telling them jokes,bringing people to the level of their higher self esteem.People of all ages trusted her for their matters,their privacy and above all they knew that she was the best who could understand them best..but still those recurrent depression episodes that reminded her about her people and their behavior did steal the smile of her face,sucking happiness out of her..
Right from the moment she stepped onto the Ecstasy land someone knew her existence but she came to know about him when she faced something that was unexpected and definitely dangerous for her as she was all alone..!!one usual night that was soon to become not so quite usual, something happened while she was roaming in the area which was protected by a shield of glass made invisible to her and the trouble makers of Ecstasy land by Him.. he knew that she had a pure broken heart which made her accountable to enter into Ecstasy land.He’d been here for years he couldn’t count himself..As there’s this balance between good and evil in our world and so was in the Ecstasy land,evils are there and Durr e Shehwar was invisible to them till the day when one of the sneaky yobbo walked close to the glass and smelled her human fragrance..wasn’t able to pass it or see it but became sure of her existence when heard her laughter while she was running after fireflies..ran towards the community of trouble makers of Ecstasty land and told them everything he heard,they called the superiors of the community who prepared a potion using Blueberry flowers and roots of rosemary grass, gathered around the glass and waited for her to come the next night..Some slept while waiting while some went to their homes to fetch food for others,they had planned to abandon her for the rest of her life to have knowledge of the outside world..The night came, Durr e Shehwar stepped into the Ecstasy land and every single one of the troublies smelled her existence, jumped towards her because they had drank the potion which helped them to see her and melted the glass..Her friend busy in his place’s chores got the instincts of the attack on her and flew to the site where she was frightened to death when saw one of the troublies running towards her to get her..The Rescuer of her(her friend)traditionally saved her exactly the way you think he should have,Durr e Shehwar just saw a glimpse of light approaching her as fast as lightening, took her to the place where none of the troublies could navigate her existence and flew away not to let her see him and rested on a branch..all of this happened so quickly that she could’nt realize of being saved by someone..all she saw was a light,a highly luminous light that could have blinded many,came towards her,flew her away with speed of light and brought her to the ground safely.She knew her life’s being saved by him and wanted to thank him but he seemed uninterested in confronting her..unusual light of His coming from behind the trees and branches of cherry tree whose flowers were all covered with dew at night with lake right beside she'd tried not to slip in many times directed her to locate the place from where the light was coming..of all the lights she'd seen in 23 years of her life,this was a different light from regular sunlight,moonlight or helium gas filled felt cold upon exposure and the sparkles made it impossible for her to see towards it,just then she wished she could have brought her sunglasses with her.

message 2: by Xunaira (new)

Xunaira J. | 153 comments The descriptions are exceptional but the author changed tenses from past to present, between the sentences. Moreover, complex sentences are asked to be avoided therefore, her first sentence is a very complex one, it could've been shortened into three or four sentences.

All in all, good work.

message 3: by Zenab (new)

Zenab Ch | 2099 comments Mod
Goodreaders please rate each story on a scale of 1-10 in the comments please. This way I can tally up the scores and choose a winner.

message 4: by Sameea (new)

Sameea | 292 comments This was beautifully written :-) i loved every bit of detail, it made me feel like i was there. would love to read more..especially to find out who this 'He' was. Very creative 8/10. :-)

message 5: by Xunaira (new)

Xunaira J. | 153 comments 6/10

message 6: by Lara (new)

Lara Zuberi (larazuberi) | 569 comments The author meets the prerequisite of having an imagination, so there is potential. However, heavily worded and long sentences are a serious impediment to flow as well as clarity. The second sentence is a hundred and seventeen words long. 5/10.

message 7: by Zenab (new)

Zenab Ch | 2099 comments Mod
6/10. It was hard to get through.

message 8: by Adeel (new)

Adeel Hasan (adeelhasan) | 78 comments 6/10.
Lots of passion, but the story did not flow for me. Also some spelling/grammatical errors, but a very good effort nonetheless.

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