Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry discussion

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New Characters > Bridget Staree

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message 1: by [deleted user] (last edited Dec 14, 2013 03:00PM) (new)

BRIDGET


Name: Bridget Staree
Gender: Female
Blood: Pure-Blood
Age: 14
» Birthday: April 1
House: Ravenclaw
» Year: 4
» Quidditch: Chaser
» Position: Student
Wand:
» Wood: Hazel
» Core: Chimera Scale Fragment
» Length: 12 1/3 Inches
» Flexibility: Supple
» Description: Bridget's wand is hazel, with Chimera scale fragment. Bridget has gone through a lot in her life. Her father abandoned her, but later came back when she lost her dear mother. She was in an emotional state, and hated the world for a while. However in the end she learned to deal with her problems. That was why hazel was perfect for her. As for the Chimera scale fragment, that was in fact an heirloom. However it suits her just fine. The Chimera scale fragment was taken out of another wand, and placed into hers. Bridget is very powerful and she recognizes that within her. When she gets mad, there can be a lot of bad magic pouring out of her and she is scared that in result, she will become something murderous. She tries to be gentle, and have patience, and that usually does work most of the time. However, there are times when she will blow and not think straight.
Appearance:
Description: Bridget is overall a very pretty girl, and has been told that often. She appreciates the compliments, but to her, she could always improve. Not necessarily appearance-wise, but perhaps in personality or magic. Her dirty blonde hair is wavy naturally, and she likes that it is just in the middle. Not completely curly, or straight. Her eyes are a deep shade of blue. Bridget isn't the type to worry if she has no makeup in. Yes, she will wear it but she also believes in inner beauty. In other words, Bridget won't freak out if she can't find a certain makeup product. However she does, in fact always have a necklace or a bracelet on. Bridget is very active. In truth she loves running the most, but she enjoys playing sports in general. She is average-weighted and wants to stay that way. She doesn't appreciate it when skinny girls who say they are too fat. Or girls who call themselves ugly just to get attention. She thinks that it is okay to love yourself at times. Overall, Bridget, is a fun, playful, nice, caring girl. Bridget has a locket necklace she always wore. It is a silver heart locket that has a picture of her and her mother together. The outside cover says "I Love You" in silver words. The outside is very nicely decorated with roses carved on to it.
Background: Bridget has gone through a lot in her life. Her dad left her and her mom when she was born. While her mother was still alive she had never even heard his name be spoken. Her mother refused to talk about him or even think about him. However, by the age of seven Bridget couldn't contain her curiosity about him anymore, and eventually she asked her mom about him. Her mom was upset at first, but soon gave in and told her everything. After that the two had a stronger bond. When she was nine years old, her mom became severely ill. They tried everything, but her mother must have decided to let go, because she died. Bridget cried, for too long, and for a while hated everyone. She hated them for trying to tell her that it was going to be OK, she hated them for looking at her with pity, she hated that they whispered about her when they thought she was asleep. She become a person, that even she didn't recognize. So full of hatred, depression and unhappiness. She stayed like that, for about three months before Bridget left for Hogwarts. Then her father showed up. He apologized for everything and told her how sorry he was. He had only recently heard about her mother's death. He apologized over, and over, and over again. He gave her anything she wanted did anything she requested and in the end Bridget said that she forgave him. Yet, still was mad a small part of her was still mad. Ever since then, she and her father began to grow a bond and she slowly started to heal back to recovery. Bridget still missed her mom, but she is learning to accept it.
Relations:
» Edward Staree - Father; Age: 45; Ministry of Magic employee , Former job at The Three Broomsticks, Formerly in the house of Hufflepuff
» Skylar Staree - Mother; Deceased; Former in the house of Ravenclaw.
Pet: Cat
» Name: Amber
» Gender: Female
» Age: 3
» Appearance:
» Description: Amber has a silver and gray fur with stripes running down her pelt with bright green eyes that Bridget loves. Amber, is also very energetic.
Other: Bridget's favorite color is iris.


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Ta-da!!!!! Grand entrance!!!! Hope you like her!!!


๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) - There should be no blank lines EXCEPT at the top after only her first name (or whatever name she goes by) in ALL CAPS. Enter 2 blank lines after that and delete all others in the profile.


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

Black lines? What do you mean? The bold?


๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) Other corrections:

- Apply for Quidditch position here: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

- Birthday: delete "st" after 1

- Year: just put 4

- Position: Student

- Length: 12 1/3 Inches

- Delete Jewelry in bold and just put that part in description (delete URL)

- Relations: this should be a list of people related to her (follow format from profile template)

- Pet: delete "(kitten)"

- Age: just put 3

- Other should be in bold


๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) ღTгเss♫ Go For What You Want, It Just May Work Out And If It Doesn't, Take Ice Cream And Eat it. wrote: "Black lines? What do you mean? The bold?"

BLANK, not black. ;)


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments What she said. Let us know once that's been addressed, and we'll move onwards.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Ahhh! Things happened in the time it took me to post my comment! Ignore me! Clearly, you are in the good hands of Sarah.


message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

Ohh OK. Sorry I was confused.


message 10: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» wrote: "Ahhh! Things happened in the time it took me to post my comment! Ignore me! Clearly, you are in the good hands of Sarah."

Haha.


message 11: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) ღTгเss♫ Go For What You Want, It Just May Work Out And If It Doesn't, Take Ice Cream And Eat it. wrote: "Ohh OK. Sorry I was confused."

Don't bold her name in all caps and as stated, JUST her first name or the nickname she goes by.


message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

OK


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments The NAME at the top should just be BRIDGET (unbolded), unless people, when they talk to her, usually call her by a different.


message 14: by [deleted user] (last edited Nov 23, 2013 07:01PM) (new)

Is it good now?


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Bridget, at the top, should be in all caps. 'BRIDGET'


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments ღTгเss♫ Go For What You Want, It Just May Work Out And If It Doesn't, Take Ice Cream And Eat it. wrote: "Is it good now?"

'Fraid there's still a few things. The first time is gonna take a little longer than you might like, but then once you get what we're looking for in a profile, any additional characters you make, this process is super-quick.


message 17: by [deleted user] (new)

OK gotcha.


message 18: by [deleted user] (new)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» wrote: "ღTгเss♫ Go For What You Want, It Just May Work Out And If It Doesn't, Take Ice Cream And Eat it. wrote: "Is it good now?"

'Fraid there's still a few things. The first time is gonna take a little l..."

I actually don't mind it when people critique me work. I like to see where I can make improvemnts. xDD


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Okay. :D That's awesome! If I give you a list of all or most of my critiques for Bridget, would you be able to handle that? (A lot of people miss things when I/we do that, so generally we stick to one or two things per post.) Which would be easiest for you?


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

If you could just give me an entire list then that would be awesome!


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Yes ma'am! Give me a little bit and I will get that to you!


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

OK thanks!


message 23: by s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§», Headmaster (last edited Nov 24, 2013 11:28AM) (new)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments (Critique Part 1. I ran out of room at the end and so it is continued in a later post.)


General:
The » symbol should never be italicized throughout the profile, but it should indeed be separated from the following word by a space.

Wand Description:
"Bridget's wand is Hazel, with Chiamera Scale Fragment. Bridget has gone through a lot in her life. (More in background) She was in an emotional state, but learned to deal with her problems. That was why Hazel was perfect for her. As for the Chimera Scale Fragment, that was in fact an heirloom. However it suits her just fine. She is very powerful, but knows how to be gentle."

"Hazel" should not be capitalized, and only Chiamera of "Chiamera Scale Fragment" should be capitalized. | hazel | Chiamera scale fragment | Both occur twice in this section.

"Bridget has gone through a lot in her life. (More in background) She was in an emotional state, but learned to deal with her problems." |While I thank you for letting us know that there is more information about the things she has gone through in Background, you do not need the "(More in background)". | You might need to expand on this, as far as it relates to her wand.

"As for the Chimera Scale Fragment, that was in fact an heirloom." | So they made a new wand for her from another wand, or the entire wand is an heirloom? Can you describe the wand and also the qualities contributed to the wand by the wood and the core?

"She is very powerful, but knows how to be gentle." | Cool. Well, sister, I have news for you. Prepare for your world to be rocked. General statements like these make your character cliché unless you back the hell out of them! So explain what you mean by this sentence. Give us more, so we won't just look at her and think, 'Well there goes another Mary Sue.' If members of this group come away from the experience having learned anything, I want it to be that they know how to make a damn fine character. (Pardon my language. Sometimes certain words perfectly emphasize what I am wanting to say. Please let me know if you are offended by such language.)

Description:
"Bridget is overall a very pretty girl. She herself believes that she is not that pretty, that it's just people being nice, but that is her." | Nope. This is cliché. I will not allow anyone to pull a Bella Swann here. We are all better writers than that! Stephanie Meyers built Bella that way for all the little girls out there who think that they are ugly and who desperately want someone to verify that they are as pretty as they want to be. If you are one of those girls (which I hope is not the case), know this. Being pretty is more how you view yourself than how others view you. That being said, let us now deal with this statement. (Sorry, I tend to get monologuing when I do these sorts of critiques all in one go.) | If she believes she is not pretty, she is likely not. If even just the tiniest bit of her wants to believe she is pretty, she will listen to people when they tell her she is pretty. After all, what girl does not want to believe they are beautiful? There have to be some pretty serious reasons to think they are not. Hopefully, it will become apparent why these first statements do not work as we look at the rest of her description.

"Her dirty blond hair is wavy naturally, and she doesn't like it completely straight or curly." | Blond, when you're talking about a girl, is spelled with an e on the end. 'blonde' | If she doesn't like her hair completely straight or curly, does she never do anything with her hair? Or does she just like that her hair isn't completely straight or curly?

"Her eyes are a nice deep shade of blue." | Nice is a judgement. Look at the sentence if you remove that word, and I think you will find it is not necessary, and that the sentence is actually stronger without it.

"She doesn't apply lipstick or gloss on a regular basis. Only on special occasions really. The most make-up she will apply on, is cover-up, blush, and eye shadow. On special days, she will add mascara, and liner." | You do realize that she is wearing eye makeup in the picture? Just wanting to make sure you know. Other than that, the only thing is that 'makeup' and 'coverup' are single words, rather than being hyphenated.

"You can always see Bridget, in a simple chain and bracelet." | I'm not sure what you mean here, darling.

"Bridget is very active." | You said Bridget in the previous sentence, so it might flow better if you said 'She' here instead? Give it a thought, anyways.

"She loves running, or playing sports at all." | Grammar. 'She loves running, but really, playing sports at all.' Or something like that. If you would like more explanation for this sentence, just ask.

"Very agile, she is skinny, but not too much. She dislikes skinny girls who say they are too fat. Or girls who call themselves ugly just to get attention. In truth Bridget believes that there is no one who is truly ugly. Yes you could always improve, but she likes to say "Love yourself, and whom you are!" Bridget doesn't really care what people think of her. They can judge her and she would be fine with that." | Do you see why the first few sentences don't work?? They go against her very character and make her a hypocrite!

"Very agile, she is skinny, but not too much." | Agility doesn't usually make someone skinny. If anything, it is the other way around. If anything. You might want to consider other ways to write this information, or other ways to include it in her profile.

"She dislikes skinny girls who say they are too fat. Or girls who call themselves ugly just to get attention." | This would be more grammatically correct as a single sentence.

"Yes you could always improve, but she likes to say "Love yourself, and whom you are!"" | Grammar. "whom" should be "who" Commas. Because it is a more general statement, saying 'one' rather than "you" would be more appropriate. 'Yes, one can always improve, but she likes to say "Love yourself and who you are!"'

"Overall, Bridget, is a fun, playful, nice, caring girl." | I have no issues with this sentence! Since I've included everything else so far, I figured I would include this so you know I didn't leave anything out. Also, I refer to this in my next comments.

"Bridget's mother had a locket necklace she always wore. It was a heart locket that had a picture of her and her mom. The outside cover said I Love You, and on the back was a design on three butterflies. The outside is very nicely decorated and Bridget always has it on." | Since her mother is dead, it is appropriate to talk about her in the past tense, but because Bridget has the locket now, that should be talked about in present tense. | You just talked about Bridget in the previous sentence, so 'Her mother had...' might be more appropriate. | Tense. "It is a heart locket that has a picture of her and her mom." | Tense and punctuation. Also, I think the word "on" is meant to be of? 'The outside cover says 'I Love You,' and on the back is a design of three butterflies.' | "The outside is very nicely decorated and Bridget always has it on." > You already described the back, so what else is the decoration? Also, what color is this necklace and what size is it? Those details might be of some importance, but she is your character and it is your choice.

Background:
"She had never, met her dad, heard his name or hear him speak or heard her mom speak about him." | Some grammar stuff. 'She had never met her dad, heard his name, heard him speak, or heard her mom speak about him.' | Since she ended up living with her dad, you may wish to amend this statement some?


"However at the age of 7 she couldn't contain it anymore." | Please spell out all numbers in this section. | There should be a comma after "However" | Consider saying 'by' instead of "at". | "contain" what? Her questions? Maybe you should specify what "it" is?

"She asked her mom about him, and learned about him." | This sentence feels awkward, yeah? I agree. You could combine this with the previous sentence, very easily if you wanted. | 'However, by the age of seven she couldn't contain her questions anymore and asked her mom about her dad.'

"Her mom was upset at first, but soon gave in and told her everything. Then Bridget and her mom had a stronger bond." | Maybe try combining these sentences? The second doesn't quite flow.

"When she was 9 her mom was very ill." | Was or became very ill? | Spell out nine, please.

"They tried everything, but her mother must have decided to let go, because she died." | I really like this detail. It rings very true. It also makes sense that Bridget would be so upset about it. After all, her mother basically gave up on her, right? Is that what she feels? I don't know, I just really like it!

"Bridget cried, for too long and for a while shut everyone down. She become a human shell on the world." | There should be a comma after "too long" and one after "while". | '...and for a while, shut down.' Perhaps? Otherwise, what do you mean by "shut everyone down"? Shut down all attempts to help her? | What do you mean by "She become a human shell on the world"? This sentence is very unclear.

"For two months a maid she was very close with took care of her. But unfortunately that wasn't enough." | What happened between this time and when her father showed up? Where's the overlap?

"Bridget needed a parent to take care of her." | Try 'Bridget needed a parent.' The "to take care of her" part is implied very well, I think, even without really saying anything.

"About 3 months before Bridget left for Hogwarts, her father showed up. He apologized for everything and told her how sorry he was. He had only recently heard about her death." | First off, I think you mean 'her mother's' death, lol. | How sorry he was for what? | Spell out three, please. | When was this relative to the maid taking care of her? | Three months before she left for Hogwarts when she was eleven, I presume? You may want to specify.

"Bridget forgave him, but still was mad a small part of her was still mad. Then she left her home and came to Hogwarts." | Check your first sentence. I think you had a typo. | Also, if part of her was still mad, she didn't truly forgive him, did she? | Where does this fit on the timeframe? If this was when she was eleven, what has happened since?



s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Sorry, I posted before I was finished! I'll edit and tell you when I'm done! Don't be scared by the length, a lot is quotes from the profile so you know what I'm talking about, and a lot is me rambling on about insignificant things.


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

OK. It shall take time but I hope you and I will like the final product her.


message 26: by s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§», Headmaster (last edited Nov 24, 2013 11:35AM) (new)

s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments (I ran out of room.)


Relations:
Formatting. You need the » symbol in front of each person you have listed, rather than >>. Make sure a space follows that symbol and please refrain from italicizing it.

"» Relation" Delete this line.

"Dad: Edward, Works Ministry, and used to work at The Three Broomsticks, Age: 39 Former Huffelpuff" | Okay, one thing at a time! Start with the » symbol. You may need to copy and paste that. Good. Next, put her father's name. Edward ...? (What's his last name?) Whatever it is, italicize those two names, but not the » symbol. [If you don't know how to italicize, click on the '(some html is okay)' bottom to the top right of the text box and it will show you how.] Next you need a space, a hyphen (this - symbol), and another space. List 'Father' (yes, please capitalize 'father') and then a semicolon, and then age, and then the other details. You will need to capitalize like you would a title. I will include an example on the next line.
» Edward Last-Name-Here - Father; 39; Ministry Worker; Previous Worked at the Three Broomsticks; Former Hufflepuff

">>Mom: Skylar, Dead and no longer works, died at age 37, Formar Ravenclaw." | Same thing as father. Example below. I did not include age because I am a math nut, and the ages of her and Edward don't quite match up, I don't think. Do you mean she would be 37 now? If so, that would be 5 years ago, making her 32. Unless she is older than Edward and did indeed die when she was 37. I'm not sure.
»Skylar Last-Name-Here - Mother; Deceased; Former Ravenclaw

Pet Description:
"Amber has a silver and gray fir with stripes running down her pelt." | "fir" should be 'fur'

"Amber has bright green eyes that Bridget is madly in love with at the moment." | At the moment...? Um...

"Amber, herself is very energetic." | No comma after "Amber".

"She is contently moving along with Bridget and having fun. As seen in a picture Amber is jumping and running around a lot. Amber is a fun cat to be with." | Consider some rephrasing here, my dear. It's a little confusing. Please refrain from making reference to the picture. Also, if she is three, Bridget couldn't have gotten her when she was eleven, so what's the story there?

Other:
"Bridget is a sucker for blue or brown eyed boys." | Grammar. Or should be and. 'Bridget is a sucker for blue- and for brown-eyed boys.'



message 27: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) :O


message 28: by [deleted user] (new)

Sarah wrote: ":O"

LOL I had to laugh at that face for some reason. LOL


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Finished now. Sorry it is so long. Please let me know if you have any questions.


message 30: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) ღTгเss♫ Go For What You Want, It Just May Work Out And If It Doesn't, Take Ice Cream And Eat it. wrote: "Sarah wrote: ":O"

LOL I had to laugh at that face for some reason. LOL"


I'm just teasing Sunshine. :P


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Oh shush, you!


message 32: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) It's awesome. ;)


message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

OK, I edited her!


message 34: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments As a note, "Chimera" is not spelled "Chiamera".


message 35: by C, Head of Gryffindor (last edited Nov 25, 2013 04:17PM) (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments Hang on...is that Rachael Leigh Cook?


message 36: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) I think Bellatrix is right. Good eye!


message 37: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments I KNOW I've seen those eyes before....


message 38: by [deleted user] (new)

вełłαтяıχ wrote: "Hang on...is that Rachael Leigh Cook?"

Possibly, I don't know


message 39: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments Sarah, I have an idea. We should make a list of celebrities categorized by famous-ness. Then, people can refer to who is okay to use. I'm not sure if Rachael Cook is THAT famous, but....


message 40: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) But lots of people don't know celebrities.


message 41: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments Sarah wrote: "But lots of people don't know celebrities."

Good point, that.


message 42: by Emma, Head of Ravenclaw (new)

Emma | 256 comments вełłαтяıχ wrote: "Sarah, I have an idea. We should make a list of celebrities categorized by famous-ness. Then, people can refer to who is okay to use. I'm not sure if Rachael Cook is THAT famous, but...."

I don't know that she's overly famous, but she's used a lot in roleplays.....


message 43: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments I didn't know that....


message 44: by Emma, Head of Ravenclaw (new)

Emma | 256 comments I notice it a lot *shrugs* whatever sunshine thinks, I guess.


s•u•n•s•h•i•n•e «§KENZ§» | 1149 comments Whatever Sarah says, I'll support. Not to put her on the spot, but she knows more about the topic than me.


message 46: by ๖ۣۜSαᴙαh (new)

๖ۣۜSαᴙαh ๖ۣۜMᴄĄłłiƨʈeʀ (inked_chinadoll) Rachel Leigh Cook is too famous. Sorry, Luv.


message 47: by [deleted user] (new)

LOL I just saw your post sorry. So change her picture? Thats fine, Sorry I didn't realize. LOL


message 48: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments Is that Kristen Stewart?


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

I honestly have no idea. I just looked up "Girls with dirty brown hair and blue eyes" and she was one of them. LOL


message 50: by C, Head of Gryffindor (new)

C (beyondtheveil) | 354 comments I am SURE that that is Kristen Stewart.


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