Young Adult Roleplay discussion

Outside Writing > Black Rose

Comments Showing 1-3 of 3 (3 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Krul (new)

Krul Tepes | 2420 comments Chapter 1
It was the middle of a hot summer and I was covered in frostbite.
The day was like any other. I get out of bed; I go to the jail as I like to call it; I have my classes; I go home; I eat and go to sleep. That’s the outline of my life as of about now. Too bad it was going to change greatly.
My teacher, Mr. Hawkins, drone on and on about the Civil War. I, being the good student that I am, fell asleep. I couldn’t help it! Nothing was interesting. You can’t blame me for wanting for out of life.
That is, before the room started to change. I sat up quickly, but nobody looked at me strangely. The room was changing. I looked around and saw nobody with panic in their faces. My heart started beating fast and I bit my lip from crying out. Wanting to tell them that they better stop taking notes on the stupid topic and run for their lives! But I didn’t.
The once normal classroom was now a winter wonderland. But nobody was in wonder. I sure wasn’t. I was freaking out from my very core. I felt the cool rush of wind through my thin clothing. My fingers started to numb and I blink when I stare down at them. I let out a breath I did not realize I had been holding. Misty puffs came out; it was cold enough I could see my breath. I look down at my clothes and noticed they were the ones I had thrown on in a hurry this morning.
What was worse? My hand was holding a knife; with red drops dripping down. My face paled and the knife drops from my hand. It had blood. My hand had blood. The blood had me.
“Get out of here!” My head quickly shot up when I heard a voice. My breath caught in my throat when I saw it. There, standing about a couple of hundred feet away from me, were four people I have not seen before. Then again, I don’t remember people that often. The one who had yelled earlier was locked tight in the arms of thick, green vines. I could see that the others were trapped as well.
“Hurry! You have to escape!” Another one called before, as I watch in horror, the vines took them into nothingness. My body was shaking and drops of sweat appeared on my face. My feet were freezing and I knew I had to keep moving. But I couldn’t; I stayed still as a statue.
“What the heck are you doing?!” The one on my right shouted. I turn to look at me. His eyes were angry but they wanted me to bolt. I don’t move.
“Run for it!” The one on my left scream as the vines finally choke the life out of them. My face was pale, despite the cold weather. I had just seen two people disappear from the planet before my eyes. And I couldn’t do a single thing. I was weak and hopeless.
It wasn’t long before the one on my right got taken. The only one left was the one who had first called out to me. The person looked at me with……….. concern?
I knew they wanted me to leave. But I couldn’t. I still had a chance. I could save the last one. I ran.
Just as I stretched out my hand towards the person, a vine grew quickly between us. Muttering some things I shouldn’t have, I reach to move it out of the way. The person quickly jerks my hand back. Their eyes were alert and wide with anger.
“Don’t touch it.” The person says in a quiet voice. I could hear the edge to it though. Looking at me with hard eyes, “Go.”
“I can’t leave you here.” I say stubbornly. I was always stubborn. The person looks at me before suddenly pushing me back. The vines started to grow. I was push back.
I try to grab their hand, reaching out as far as I could without touching any of the vines. I couldn’t reach. An arrow shot out of nowhere. The person pushed me out of the way and the arrow hit their left arm. A sob chokes at my throat. I watch, helpless, as the person gets swallowed by the emerald green vines.
I sink to the floor as all the vines went back into the ground. My body was shaking with fear. I have never felt anything like it. Sapphire tears start to drip down my face. My hand flies over my mouth as I bite back my cry. I am weak. I am hopeless.
My eyes fly open and I blink. Looking around, I saw the same classroom I’ve been in for almost a year. The teacher was still talking and students were still taking notes. I sit back in my seat and let out a quiet sigh. I hate it when I have these illusions. They have been happening since my 17th birthday. It feels so real. I felt the coldness of the snow at my feet and cheeks. I could still feel the wind blowing my black hair into my face. I felt the pain of being weak; of being hopeless.
I didn’t tell anyone; I never do.

message 2: by Alice (new)

Alice (alice20) Sorry for replying so late Nashi :( I always do this because I don't get notifications for new topics...

But this is seriously really good! I love the suspense and the flow (I like how you transitioned from the classroom to the "winter wonderland". It was really creative). Your first line was genius, clever, and captivating, and the whole premise was so interesting. You're also really good at providing rich detail and making me feel immersed in the story.

I noticed you shifting between tenses, however. Being that there is a "daydream" within a flashback, I understand how the tenses would be confusing, but I would suggest going over every verb in your story to make sure it's in the right tense.

For example:
"The one on my right shouted. I turn to look at me."
The verb "shouted" is in past tense, but the verb "turn" is in present. Try to keep the whole flashback either present or past (right now, it seems as though the verbs are split fifty-fifty).

Hope I helped! I really enjoyed reading this though... you're such a talented writer :)

message 3: by Krul (new)

Krul Tepes | 2420 comments Thanks! And sorry about the tenses. My friends always tell me to watch for that but I'm not so good with it. I'll try harder though!

back to top