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Please can someone help me with my English essay?

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message 1: by Ola (new)

Ola Jakubek | 1 comments Suddenly, Maggie heard a strange noise coming from the school corridor. She wondered for a moment. The sound was similar to an animal whimpering but what was it actually? She started approaching the place where the noise was coming from.
She came closer, and realized what was going on.
It was Josh. One of the wealthiest, handsome, charming, insolent and fractious pupils in the school was beating a small kid. The child was frightened. The boy was very brutal and violent . Maggie was scared. She could hear her heart beating rapidly, pumping blood and she felt that her veins were going to explode. Josh immediately realized that someone was watching them and stopped.
He was speechless when he saw who it was.His face was inscrutable and she immediately ran to the boy, who needed help. Josh ran away as quickly as he could while Maggie helped the boy by cleaning his swollen face from blood. Later she left the boy with a teacher, feeling that the whole situation shouldn’t have taken place.
A few days later, Maggie sat in her lesson thinking about Josh. She was feeling blue about the whole incident.
There was something about this boy that attracted Maggie to him. Maybe it was the fact that he always looked so strong and masculine and was never afraid of others?
Maggie didn’t know . She was always scared of others , like a mouse who tries to hide in the smallest possible place. Suddenly, the door opened and Josh came in late . His hair was in a complete mess and his clothes were randomly chosen as if he was in a hurry. He looked exhausted. He sat next to her. The hour went by Suddenly he started talking to her and asked whether they could go for a walk after the lesson finished. Maggie agreed and for some reason became happier.
When the bell rang, they went outside. Maggie realized that Josh wasn’t in a good mood. A shiver of anxiety went down her spine. She asked directly,” What has happened to you over these last few days”? When she looked at him she had to squint her eyes as it was so bright that she could barely see him in the sunlight.
He started saying that the relations with his parents had only got worse because of the fight that took place. Maggie frowned ,“Why do you do this then? Why are you always like a bull ready to fight? He couldn’t find an appropriate explanation and she was now able to see tears streaming down his cheeks. He looked like a rain cloud. She said that he should apologize to all those he hurt. She tenderly wiped his tears from his cheeks. He was different now; it wasn’t the same Josh who didn’t care about anything. He seemed very sensitive and a bit lost in the world surrounding him. She understood that he was like small child who realized that he had done something wrong and was afraid to admit it.
He promised that he would say sorry . He also asked if they could meet sometime after school and Maggie agreed. Then, they had to hurry inside as the giant rain clouds were rolling in and the rain started pouring down. The enormous raindrops were splashing on the wet and cold ground and looked as if they were playing piano.
“A few months went by ,and their meetings became a routine . It was hard for Maggie to believe how much he changed. Josh suddenly became a young, mature man . They often went to the park together and spent lots of time talking.
One day he asked her ,“Would you like to be my girlfriend?”
Maggie blushed brightly and with the tears of happiness in her eyes agreed. They embraced and he gave her a delicate kiss. It was a perfect day outside; he sun shone with a gentle breeze. Maggie’s hair were swirling in the wind like ink in the water . Her answer delighted him and he began to talk passionately about their future. He was so excited, like a dog begging his owner to throw the ball one more time”.
On the way there they laughed and wondered how they would share the future together. For Maggie Josh was the light of her life.
Ten years later Maggie and Josh were married. They had two small children. The eldest, Daniela looked just like Maggie . The same beautiful brown eyes and facial expressions. Sometimes it was hard for Josh to believe how much they looked alike.
Daniela’s sister was different . Louise was younger, but confident and brave. Maggie thought she was like a “tom” boy . She climbed every tree she could. Maggie and Josh were really proud of them and as they sat together on the comfortable sofa near the fireplace one day looking at old photos of them , they wondered what the girls future would look like...
The most helpful would be if you check any punctuantional or grammatical errors. Also if you see if anything could be split for effect ,please change it . Thank you

message 2: by Shanny (last edited Nov 18, 2013 07:20PM) (new)

Shanny I am an English/Lit major. I'm not perfect with punctuation, but I'll do my best. I've had several essays either published within my college, or used as teaching tools.

"The sound was similar to an animal whimpering(,) but what was it actually?"

Instead of having this part separated, try combining it. When you separate unnecessarily, sentences start to sound stilted and unnatural. Also, be careful about redundant phrasing. Here, you already stated she was approaching, so we already know she's coming closer. I don't want to write your essay for you, so I'm not going to combine it, but I know you can do it. "She started approaching the place where the noise was coming from. She came closer, and realized what was going on."

"who it was.(insert space)His face was"
" Josh ran away as quickly as he could(,) while Maggie helped the boy by cleaning his swollen face from blood."
"Later(,) she left"

These are some examples of what could be fixed. You need to slowly read through your essay, preferably aloud so you can hear how your sentences sound. Doing this will help you hear when something sounds strange, stilted, too fragmented, or awkward. Good luck, and whatever you do, don't rush an edit job.

message 3: by Michelle (new)

Michelle Mcroberts | 28 comments All great advice, Shannon. Your advice was all along the lines of my own for the most part. Here are a couple things I would add.

She could hear her heart beating, rapidly pumping blood(,) and she felt [that] her veins were going to explode. [remove 'that']

* Remember to use the comma/conjunction combination to join two independent thoughts, such as in the sentence above (I added the comma after blood) & in this sentence: "His face was inscrutable(,) and she immediately ran to the boy, who needed help"

* Vary sentence length and structure whenever possible to further reduce unnatural phrasing - Use introductory phrases and more complex sentence styles. Compound sentences and simple sentences are functional but not very interesting.

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