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JOKES > ANYTHING

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message 1: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 05, 2009 08:51PM) (new)

any funny jokes here that dont go in any categories
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message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

so there r three guys, named Shut Up, Manners, and Poop. they all went out for a drive one day. as they were speeding down the road, Poop fell out of the car and they got pulled over by the police. Shut Up gets taken down to the police station where the police asked his name. "Shut Up," Shut Up replied. "Excuse me?" the police said. "Shut Up," Shut Up," he repeated. "Where are your manners, boy?!" the police asked. "Outside on the road, scraping up Poop," Shut Up said


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

got it out of a joke book


message 4: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 06, 2009 09:54AM) (new)

OK, this seems like it's going to be racial, but it's not! I swear, it jsut uses race, but it's not making fun of any race!

A black man and a white man were taking a walk and arguing about God.
"He's black," said the black man.
"No, he's white," the white man said. They finally decided the only way to find out was to go to heaven. So they both step out into the road and get hit by cars.
Later, they were waiting just outside heaven.
"Wait a minute, and God will appear," St. Peter said. All of a sudden, it started fogging, and a great man came through the gates and said...
"Bienvenidos!"


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

VERY VULGAR JOKE, BUT EFFING HILARIOUS!!!






A little boy lived with his mom and his dad. One day, they were getting ready to have a party. The little boy went into the kitchen to find his mom preparing the turkey. All of a sudden, her hand spilled and she cut her finger real badly.
"FUCK!" she yelled.
"Mommy, what's fuck?" the little boy asked.
"Oh, it's... what I'm doing to this turkey," his mom said.
Then the little boy went into the bathroom to find his dad shaving when the dad cuts himself.
"SHIT!" the dad said and the little boy asked,
"What's shit?"
"Oh, it's what I'm shaving off my face," the dad said.
Then the dad finished shaving and they went out to teh living room, where the dad went to grab his coat. He accidentally hit his area and said,
"OW, MY DICK!"
"Daddy, what's a dick?"
"Oh, that's your coat, and a vagina is your hat."
So they went outside to water the plants. Meanwhile, the mom went into the bathroom to find the water running, so she went outside and said to the dad,
"YOU BASTARD!"
"Mommy, what's a bastard?"
"Um, that's what you call a man, and a woman is a bitch," the mom said. The family went back inside and the mom went back to preparing the turkey and the dad went back to shaving. Suddenly, the door bell rang, and the little boy opened the door to find a group of people standing there. So he said,
"Good evening bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and vaginas? Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and dad's in the bathroom shaving the shit off his face."


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

An Aggie (from Texas A&M) is in a bar in Alaska. He's arguing with another man on who's tougher, Alaskans, or Aggies. So the man from Alaska says,
"OK, the only way you can prove yourself is to drink a pint of beer, wrestle a bear, and make out with a woman all in the same night."
So the Aggie sits down and drinks a pint of beer. After that he goes into the woods. He comes back an hour later with scratches all over his face, and bruises all over his body and says,
"So where's the woman I'm supposed to wrestle?"


message 7: by Rui (new)

Rui M. (rui_m) | 16 comments lol


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

He was kissing the bear.


message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

It makes more sense if u live in Austin, TX because we mostly think that UT is superior to A&M


message 10: by Tommie (new)

Tommie (tommiewolfe) A woman and her daughter were driving to meet the daughter's Play date.(Lets say that the woman is Mary and the daughter is Julie)
Julie asks her mom "How old are you?"
Mary repilies "Now now you dont ask a woman her age, its rude"
Julie says "ok"
Five minutes later.
julie asks "How much do you weigh mommy?"
Mary replies "now now hun that is also rude to ask a woman."
Julie says "Ok.."
about ten more minutes and julie asks "mommy.. why did you and daddy break up?"
Mary replies "Honey maybe in a few more years ill tell you ok"
Julie says "ok"

Well when julie got to the house to meet her play date she complains "My mommy never tells me anything."
Her play date, Jimmy replies "Well just look at her driver's license, that tells you everything about your mommy."

A few minutes later she looks at her mommy's drivers license. And when the play date was over and they were driving home Jule grins and says "I know how old you are mommy"
Mary ask "How old?"
Julie replies "38"
Mary is embarrassed, "How did you know that?"
Julie says "i know how much you weigh mommy"
Mary looks at her and asks "How much?"
Julie replies " 128"
Mary is again embarrassed and says nothing.
Julie then looks at her mom again. " I know why you and daddy broke up..."
Mary asks unbelievingly "You do?"
Julie says "Yeah, its because you got an F in sex"


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

omg that is funny


message 12: by Paola (new)

Paola | 4 comments that was funny


message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

lol all those jokes r hilarious!


message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

XD that's hilarious!


message 15: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 08, 2009 07:07AM) (new)

☮Juicebox☮ aka Mayrose wrote: "VERY VULGAR JOKE, BUT EFFING HILARIOUS!!!


A little boy lived with his mom and his dad. One day, they were getting ready to have a party. The little boy went into the kitchen to find his mom p..."


i like this one the most!


message 16: by [deleted user] (new)

My friend told me that in math. I'm so glad my teacher is from Thailand so she doesn't know cuss words.


message 17: by [deleted user] (new)

ok......


message 18: by [deleted user] (new)

ya so weird but go look at the bloud jokes i put up


message 19: by [deleted user] (new)


message 21: by Fangs sister (new)

Fangs sister (fangssister) a guy walks up to a girl at a dance.
he asks her to dance.
"no." she says.
"i'm sorry." he says. "i didn't ask you to dance. "i said you look fat in those pants."


message 22: by [deleted user] (new)

HEY YOU.
YEAH, YOU.
NO, NOT YOU....
THE OTHER GUY.
YES RIGHT THERE!
YES, YOU.





do you like tacos?


message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

ok there was a little boy named jimmy his bouncy ball rolled into his neibors yard and he wasnt supposed to go in that yard so he asked the little girl to give it ba and she said only if you come into my yard so he said no and she said fine i wont give it back so he comes over and says can i have it bac now and she says no only if you come into my room and he says fine so thay do and she says ok take off all your clothes and he says jimmy dont want to and she says do you want the bouncy ball or not so he does and she says get in the bed and he says jimmy dont want to and she says i will give it to you faster and he says fine and she says ok now get on top of me and he says jimmy dont want to and she says i will let you have it once we are done and he says fine ok so now go up and down and he says jimmy dont want to and she says it will be fast and he says ok so 10 mins later they are still in bed and her mom walks by and says JIMMY GET OFF MY DAUGHTER and he says jimmy dont want to


message 24: by [deleted user] (new)

thats good lissa!!


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

ha ha thx i burst out laughing when my friend told me that


message 26: by [deleted user] (new)

ok htis is weird so here it is
ok say HARRY PICKLE after everything i say

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED
he lived in a town called
the towns people didnt like
so they hung him by his

ok its weird and funny and sick but FUNNY LOL



message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

wow lissa!!thats so weird.i told my friend the jimmy one and she cracked up lafing!!!!


message 28: by [deleted user] (new)

lol i know that one is funny jimmy lol


message 29: by [deleted user] (new)

i have a cuz named jimmy


message 30: by ~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~ , HEAD MOD!!! MUWAHAHA (new)

~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~  (jessicatheawsomeone) | 8027 comments Mod
☮Unicorns and Fairytales☮ wrote: "VERY VULGAR JOKE, BUT EFFING HILARIOUS!!!

A little boy lived with his mom and his dad. One day, they were getting ready to have a party. The little boy went into the kitchen to find his mom p..."


LOLZ!!!




message 31: by ~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~ , HEAD MOD!!! MUWAHAHA (new)

~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~  (jessicatheawsomeone) | 8027 comments Mod
I know! lolZ


message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

lol yeah jimmy was just a random name lol


message 33: by ~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~ , HEAD MOD!!! MUWAHAHA (new)

~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~  (jessicatheawsomeone) | 8027 comments Mod
haha


message 34: by Regan (new)

Regan  Carson So this dude is looking for a horse. He finds a preist that is selling one. So he buys it and jumps onto it's back, "Giddup!" he shouts. The horse doesn't budge. The priest says, "To make it go you must say praise the Lord. And to make it stop you say amen." So the man yells "Praise the lord!" and they're off. He is nearing a cliff and cannot remember how to stop the horse. He finally remembers and yells, "AMEN!" the horse stops right at the edge. The man looks into the sky and says, "Praise the Lord!"


message 35: by [deleted user] (new)

lol that i love ha ha very funny ok letme post ths one ok here it is


A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!



message 36: by [deleted user] (last edited Sep 22, 2009 09:52PM) (new)

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.


i thought this was funny too cuz the blonde was smart lol


message 37: by ~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~ , HEAD MOD!!! MUWAHAHA (new)

~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~  (jessicatheawsomeone) | 8027 comments Mod
Regan the cookie(aka Allison Weasley) wrote: "So this dude is looking for a horse. He finds a preist that is selling one. So he buys it and jumps onto it's back, "Giddup!" he shouts. The horse doesn't budge. The priest says, "To make it go you..."

I've heard that before.... Only it was with a nun or something and the words where different... He also went splat


message 38: by [deleted user] (last edited Oct 01, 2009 05:34PM) (new)

How you occupy a blonde:


scoll down...

























































































































scroll up...


message 39: by ~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~ , HEAD MOD!!! MUWAHAHA (new)

~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~  (jessicatheawsomeone) | 8027 comments Mod
no not really.... lolZ


message 40: by [deleted user] (new)

lol i did that in a diff group


message 41: by ~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~ , HEAD MOD!!! MUWAHAHA (new)

~ ! ♥ I rp therefore I am Awesome ♥ ! ~  (jessicatheawsomeone) | 8027 comments Mod
haha I like to think that if I do thoose long enough something will happen! (even though I know it wont!)


message 42: by Dusty (new)

Dusty (mrsbieber) lolz


message 43: by [deleted user] (new)

lol lol lol


message 44: by Dusty (new)

Dusty (mrsbieber) lolz


message 45: by [deleted user] (new)

lol


message 46: by Dusty (new)

Dusty (mrsbieber) hehehe


message 47: by [deleted user] (new)

hey icekit


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