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I APPRECIATE POETRY CRITIQUE > CRITICISMS ARE WELCOME

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message 1: by Ruthie (new)

Ruthie | 5 comments Languishing squire bereaved and conspired
This ordeal desponds a knight on command
The chivalry sword in fight was abhorred
It’s all but to feign as a suzerain
But, Jesus my King, I know I'm redeemed
I'll surrender my fief, to be yours as a gift
Accept my homage and give me courage
My heart is unto thee with the seal of fealty


message 2: by Ruthie (new)

Ruthie | 5 comments Ignited by spark
A glowing light in the dark
Scorching, consuming, stark


message 3: by Leslie (new)

Leslie (leslie_b) | 21 comments You have a good rhythm going, there, and I very much like your way with rhyme ... clear and strong, but not nursery-rhymey. And I'm a sucker for swooning subjugation in a poem! But I've always thought the best spiritual poetry (in the tradition of Donne, Herbert, etc.)avoided naming the revered object. Under the heading of "show, don't tell," let the poem swell from the literal to the undeniably spiritual without coming right out and dropping the name "Jesus" into the mix. Besides, that allows for multiple nuanced interpretations ... your poem can embrace how any person feels about his or her faith, his or her lover, etc. It does that already, but then seems to pull back and dictate a single interpretation in the final lines.

But on another note? If I could wield rhymes as handily as you do, I'd write much less blank verse. Wow.


message 4: by Kitty (new)

Kitty | 84 comments wielding rhymes...

Today on Writer's Almanac was Shakespeare's Sonnet 65 --
there is such pleasure in the rhythm of lines like
"Against the wreckful siege of battering days"
and the chiasmus
"Shall times best jewel from Time's chest lie hid".
I agree with Leslie -- explore rhyme -- and have fun responding back to the old Great poems!

below an example :

Working with Sonnet 65

As I get older, losing my hair
the ephemerally lovely breezed out to sea,
then do I watch beauty be air
and rage at the siege of battering days, for we

know our stronghold of sinew and bone
ticked into breath, shall be kicked out alone.
I borrow Will’s question and repeat his bid,
“Shall time’s best jewel from time’s chest lie hid?”

His black ink, still shiny, how can it be
his love still bright in this century
not cracked on friable, wreckful rock?

But there’s the ticket, to unlock the lock
that ink waves into depths words only suggest,
so we die, so we love, let beauty take the rest.

-- Kitty Jospé


message 5: by David (last edited Mar 16, 2010 05:26AM) (new)

David Delaney | 915 comments But is this a true "Shakespearean" formated sonnet Kitty, As I understand it,(& I am going through a love of sonnets) a Shakespearean sonnet is 10 syllables per line as in the one I wrote here.

The paupers friend

Now thou hast mingled with the noble class
but they’d not see in life which I do see,
they hold their feasts', drink from their purest glass,
in finest mansions built beside the sea.
See not the homeless begging on the street,
nor in dark laneways, wet with cold they die.
See not the children sick or with bare feet,
nor for the measly scraps thrown out they vie.
If I could forward through the frames of time
to lands afar unheard of now by thee,
would not thine eyes view pestilence and crime,
would still there be fine mansions by the sea.
Where still are those who sleep in laneways cold,
where nobles, whom for wealth their souls they’ve sold.

David J Delaney.
17/11/2009 ©


message 6: by Julia L. (last edited Mar 16, 2010 07:13AM) (new)

Julia L. (fuddyduddy) | 585 comments Dear David: Re The paupers friend
Marvelous! I could discuss your subject a bit, but won't. I could write a book on the poor in the US.
jg


message 7: by Kitty (new)

Kitty | 84 comments Hello David !
I'm glad you are writing sonnets -- and enjoyed The Paupers' (pauper's?) Friend. I wasn't aiming for a Shakespearean sonnet -- just having fun with Shakespeare... and put it in a 2 Q, 2 Tercet form with irregular beat -- but the question is -- why write this -- why NOW? What's stewing in mine is this sense of ageing, this need to believe that beauty won't perish, that a line that contains the question "shall time's best jewel from Time's chest lie hit" still provides pleasure in the pronouncing, without requirement of answer -- but rather appreciation of the implications of all that is not stated. Much appreciate the dialogue -- and thank you for your response! Kitty


message 8: by Kitty (new)

Kitty | 84 comments For reader response: "thee" and "thou", the rhyme, creates a lofty distance, a veneer perhaps of sarcasm...
If you wrote a poem after your sonnet to get at the heart of its meaning in your contemporary vernacular, what would you say?

Here's the poem I wrote after my 14 line response to Will.

When the sun shines on the window pane in spring

... it becomes clear
spiders are not losing their hair,
but rather, sending unscripted valentines.

Today's unbirthday greeting spun to remind you
that sure as the sun will set,
you are getting older.

It's not words that make it bearable
So much as the swing of the silk,
the dancing in the frame.

I hope you don't mind a double response.
Best wishes,
K


message 9: by Julia L. (new)

Julia L. (fuddyduddy) | 585 comments Dear Kitty: I can see you are talented. I enjoyed your exploration. But, it is not yet a sonnet, which I am sure you know. To make it better, why not redo it in the strict form of the sonnet? There are dozens of examples and all kinds of information how to do it in strict conformance to the requirements of a true sonnet. You probably already have the information, did not mean to sound stuffy here.

Julie George


message 10: by Kitty (new)

Kitty | 84 comments not at all. I was on a different planet --it's the discussion of form and style, and I was trying to put out an example of non-sonnet style that was inspired by the original sonnet.

What's fun is to switch back and forth. You're right -- I haven't done justice to the form in either one. Do you write sonnets? I'd love to see one of yours.

Best,
K


message 11: by Julia L. (last edited Mar 16, 2010 08:25AM) (new)

Julia L. (fuddyduddy) | 585 comments Oh dear. I wish I did! I struggle so with anything I write. I must give it a try sometime. It has long been my goal to go through a book of poetic forms I like very much for reference, and create a poem for each form described in the book. What a challenge that would be for me. At 74, I am not sure I am up to it however. Knowing me, I would start out with one thing in mind and switch mid-stream and not get back on track. Discipline. That is the key! I lack it. I have been writing poems since about 1965 and I have about 200...few worth a hill of beans. So I read poems for enjoyment for the most part and write one here and there when a line stays with me for a day or two.

I did see your purpose in writing your lovely poem and I admire your bravery. Fun to talk to you.

Julie George


message 12: by Kitty (new)

Kitty | 84 comments Dear Julie --
This exchange has brightened my day -- I'm working on the "commitment" to one thing idea as well -- getting older (I'm approaching 64, as in the Beatle's song, but not quite there) accentuates the problem... but I hope you try forms! It's lots of fun, if only to loosen some of the screws (it's paradoxical -- but form is FREEING in the most wonderful ways.). Keep writing.

With all good wishes,
Kitty


message 13: by David (new)

David Delaney | 915 comments G'day Kitty, no worries eh!, don't know the technicalities or most of the terminologies that go with writing poetry, I have had next to no formal education, especially in writing, I was one of those kids who went to a very small school (when I wasn't 'wagging' it) & only started writing sonnets mid November last year & actually only started writing poetry just over 3 years ago, almost every thing I know about writing I have taught myself.
Getting away from Shakespeare 'speak' I incorporated his formula in a couple of Australian bush 'sonnets' as in the one below. You might have to read Banjo Paterson's poem 'The man from Snowy River' to get the 'gist' of what this poem means to me.

Sonnet no.3

Snowy Mountain Blood

He views the brumbies fleeing down the hill
while now he’s chasing, closing at great pace.
He knows one slip out here could kill,
so can’t afford a tumble or loose face.
The cracking stockwhip sounded as he cheered
it echoed through the valley far below.
These Queensland Mountains many have revered,
though riders died when footings lost would throw.
remembers tales, the man from snowy’s side,
his father told him a long time ago.
And how his heart beat hard with so much pride,
it was his Granddad dealt the best a blow.
In front he halts the mob with just one crack!
and now for home, defeated, they head back.

David J Delaney
27/11/2009 ©


G'day Julie, believe me we have poor 'street' people here as well & unfortunately growing in numbers.


message 14: by Kitty (new)

Kitty | 84 comments G'day to you David! What fun it is to be connected to someone "down under" -- I am in Springtime sunny Rochester, NY.

I like the energy in your language -- you have an instinct for it --
there's a saying that if you write "form" you should try free verse, and if you write free verse, you should try form -- it gets at the part of us that isn't quite sure what the discovery as we follow the path of the words.

Thanks so much for sharing! Made my day!

Keep writing!
Best,
Kitty


message 15: by Julia L. (new)

Julia L. (fuddyduddy) | 585 comments Dear David: I read The Paupers Friend at our meeting yesterday. Everyone, without exception, thought it was excellent. They said to forward their collective admiration. They were also complimentary to my reading it and that made me happy. I said it was because it flowed so beautifully and was so carefully constructed I could not fail.

Thanks for sharing it and letting me share it with my dear friends.

julie george


message 16: by Meg (new)

Meg Harris | 801 comments David, Love "The Pauper's Friend." The form elavates the topic of homelessness and places it in the perfect light. Bravo!


message 17: by David (new)

David Delaney | 915 comments G'day & thank you Kitty, I am enjoying "studying" some different forms of poetry eg; sonnets, Haiku & free verse, I entered my 1st "fair dinkum" attempt at free verse in last months competition, titled 'united' & in this months one of my war related poems 'Changi Larrikins', I have also written a couple of short memoires from when I was about 13 years old & one was reviewed by a panel of academics & selected for publication in the James Cook University mag. LiNQ, any one here is quite welcome to google David J Delaney.

G'day Julie, I'm so happy everyone at your meeting enjoyed my poem, I do feel humbled.

G'day Meg, I am also very happy you enjoyed my poem especially as this was my 1st attempt at writing a Shakespearean sonnet.

I received the cover for my next book & to say I am over the moon is an understatement, my friend did such a wonderful job & it is awesome, not long now for my compilations release.(-:(-:(-:(-:


message 18: by Sara (new)

Sara Sadeghi (lovelylilies123) | 6 comments David wrote: "But is this a true "Shakespearean" formated sonnet Kitty, As I understand it,(& I am going through a love of sonnets) a Shakespearean sonnet is 10 syllables per line as in the one I wrote here.

..."

that was literally beautiful


message 19: by David (new)

David Delaney | 915 comments Awww!!..ya making this old bloke blush Sara, thank you so much.


message 20: by Sara (new)

Sara Sadeghi (lovelylilies123) | 6 comments a seed once sewn, a flower now known
a lily or rose or daffodil
thriving till the winter chill
but the flower dead and gone
the loneliness in the dawn
as snow slowly starts to creep
everything goes to sleep
a snowy crystal here and there
the trees are all dead and bare
but spring will come again soon
the flowers will come up underneath the moon
a new seed will be sewn
a new flower will be known
but only till the winter chill

this is an original that i worked on. there is more but i edited so there would be room. i would really like it if you told me your thoughts.


message 21: by David (new)

David Delaney | 915 comments Well not being an expert, I enjoyed the flow, the story of life, death & then life again & the visuals you capture so well, not sure if one would call your poem a true sonnet, but a poem it is to me, well done.

Thought you might like to see this.

http://www.agoracosmopolitan.com/home...


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