European Royalty discussion

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message 1: by Sara W (new)

Sara W (sarawesq) | 2153 comments This is a thread for us to quote our favorite terrible pieces in. The writing can be clearly bad on its face, or maybe it's horrible only to you for a specific reason - in that case, let us know why! Please provide the book and author your quote came from so others can enjoy it (or possibly argue for why it's not such a bad piece afterall).

Misfit, I'd love to get another quote from the Tudor Vampire book! :)


message 2: by Misfit (last edited May 29, 2009 06:47AM) (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Sarah, I have tons of them but some may not be so appropriate, wouldn't want to get banned from GR. However, I'll do my best, but you're going to miss the best (or should I say worst) parts :)

"Her mouth was chafed red. Her pretty French hood sat crookedly atop her head. Her eyes were wide with shock........With the utmost gentleness, he righted her hood and cupped her face. "Be not afeared. He is out of the counts. Are you hurt, marmoset?""

"As the rainstorm refused to abate, ruling out al fresco disports, King Henry was in a pother."

"Oh, this was heresy. Her faithless body, enchanted with a lustful vampire, melted in anticipation of ravishment; her over-emotional mind filled with wonder and yearning."

"and swiftly milking another whirlpool of jolting pleasure that shot to the tips of her hair and fingernails. She fizzed and juddered, sobbing as the flow descended upon her."

"Her body, lubricious and supple from her erotic, all-dissolving lovemaking, played lascivious traitor; she could do naught but succumb to the imposed intoxication of the senses"

I have a few more, but I'll let you guys savor these for now.

Royal Blood by Rona Sharon


message 3: by Tisha (last edited May 29, 2009 08:35AM) (new)

Tisha | 72 comments Wow...those are SO bad! LOL.

"She fizzed and juddered..." WTF?


message 4: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Just you wait. I'm saving the best for last.

Now mind you, this is being heavily promoted as a historical and not a romance - well researched and everything has to be accurate. Personally, even as a romance it failed for this reader.


message 5: by Sara W (new)

Sara W (sarawesq) | 2153 comments Hhhmmm, what is marmoset? Is that her name or some crazy form of endearment? Ha ha, that rainstorm line is just insane!


message 6: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Sara wrote: "Hhhmmm, what is marmoset? Is that her name or some crazy form of endearment? Ha ha, that rainstorm line is just insane!"

Can you picture Henry VIII in a pother?

Marmoset according to Wik, "Marmosets are New World monkeys of the genus Callithrix, which contains 18 species."

**sits on hands to keep fingers off the keyboard**




message 7: by Sara W (new)

Sara W (sarawesq) | 2153 comments Alright, I thought a marmoset was a type of monkey! Having not read the book, I thought I would give the author the benefit of the doubt of possibly naming the character after a type of monkey. All this begs the question - would the Tudors REALLY know the name of a New World monkey SO WELL that they would use it as an affectionate nickname? Did they even know ANY monkeys were in the New World at that time? Ha, I love this thread already!


Susanna - Censored by GoodReads (susannag) | 378 comments That is astonishingly bad writing! Definitely Bulwer-Lytton worthy.


message 9: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Sara wrote: "Alright, I thought a marmoset was a type of monkey! Having not read the book, I thought I would give the author the benefit of the doubt of possibly naming the character after a type of monkey. A..."

I had some comments on my blog that European knowledge of the word Marmoset came about 100 years later. Would have to check though.

Time for more,

"He opened her with his fingers to grant him better access and rumbled like a bear lapping at a bowl of honey. His tongue rasped, licked, and titillated her Venus sweetness........"

I'm still saving the best for last :)




message 10: by Tisha (new)

Tisha | 72 comments This is like a train wreck, but I can't look away! LOL.

I can't believe these were "serious" lines in a book. Ha!


message 11: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Seriously, go to Amazon and use the search inside feature. I don't know why everyone is going ga-ga over this book and it's not just the sex scenes.

Can you imagine the French Ambassador (you know, the guy paid by the French King to represent him at Henry VIII's court) calling the daughter of a French king a royal whore to her face?


message 12: by Nona (new)

Nona (goodreadscomnona) | 145 comments rotflmao!! Misfit I'm going to be laughing all day thanx to your quotes.


Susanna - Censored by GoodReads (susannag) | 378 comments Bwahahahahahaha giggle.


message 14: by Connie (new)

Connie (boleynfan) | 17 comments OMG..this is wonderful, dreadful stuff, fully Bulwer-Lytton worthy. More, MORE!

What is the name of this book? I've missed it somehow.


Susanna - Censored by GoodReads (susannag) | 378 comments I believe it's Royal Blood, Connie.


message 16: by Nona (new)

Nona (goodreadscomnona) | 145 comments can you believe Royal Blood is on the Favorite Romance listopia!?! what are they thinking! granted only one person voted for it.


message 17: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments I am still scratching my head over the rave reviews this is getting all over blog-land. Perhaps it's just me.....

Ready for more ladies?

'Michael shoved a clever finger inside her, lit the fuse, and the gun went off, explosively.......'

Anyone want to tell me how a finger becomes clever?


message 18: by Tisha (new)

Tisha | 72 comments He "shoved" a clever finger? Oh my.


message 19: by Nona (new)

Nona (goodreadscomnona) | 145 comments ouch! that sounds a little brutal far from romantic, I hope my husband never compares me to a gun or fuse!


Susanna - Censored by GoodReads (susannag) | 378 comments This just gets better and better!


The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments LMAO!! This is hillarious! I am so going to have to look this book up for pure comedy value.

Rumbled like a bear...........genius!


The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments Oh, this is the tudor vampire thing!!! Everyone seems to have given in 5 stars. I'm just too curious about this one.


message 23: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Everyone take note, you can go to Amazon and read plenty more via the look inside feature. Venture if you dare. Now for some poetry our hero sent anonymously to the Princess Renee,

"Lady, my desire
For you is all on fire
To honor you when I may.
Pity me, befriend me,
For since to death you send me,
I die before my day
Believe my song, for I
In perfect faith shall do
All I have sworn to you
Until the day I die."

As a page greets her and directs her to a meeting:

"He is waiting thitherward."

More bad sex,

"Pleasure whammed her as the slow fingers slid deeper, parting the florets, and rubbed her slippery, throbbing flesh to blissful relief."


message 24: by Nona (new)

Nona (goodreadscomnona) | 145 comments 'whammed' are you sure it's not an eighties nock off?


message 25: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Nona wrote: "'whammed' are you sure it's not an eighties nock off? "

I'm sure. Mind you this is being marketed as historical fiction and thoroughly researched. Next book planned is on the Borgias.

Be afraid, be very afraid.



message 26: by Sara W (new)

Sara W (sarawesq) | 2153 comments Misfit wrote: "Everyone take note, you can go to Amazon and read plenty more via the look inside feature. Venture if you dare. Now for some poetry our hero sent anonymously to the Princess Renee,

"Lady, my des..."


Ha, he's almost as good a poet as Thomas Wyatt!


message 27: by Patricia (new)

Patricia Lane This is too wonderful! I only wish it had been out several years when I was a bookseller and used to read smutty passages from romance novels to my staff before we opened (it started as a way to get people smiling on a grey, rainy Tacoma morning and became a standard by request whenever I opened)...this would have brought the house down!


message 28: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments As long as you are all enjoying this I've still got a couple more. But I am saving the best for last :)


"How ferocious you are, my wild mare," he whispered. "Do not try to unhorse me. Tougher combatants than you have tried...and failed." He pushed his hand beneath her, smoothed his open palm over her heaving torso, and cupped her breast. His gentle fondling knocked the air out of her lungs. She squirmed as sparkly frissons of arousal skittered through her incapacitated body. He rolled a finger over her stiff nipple, thrumming her lute strings......Michael groaned. "You want me."


message 29: by Patricia (new)

Patricia Lane Okay, his hand is underneath her, his palm is over her torso and he's cupping her breast...does this man have 3 arms?! Or is this a special way vampires move or something?! I have to tell you, this thread is making an otherwise boring afternoon at work quite entertaining!


message 30: by Tisha (new)

Tisha | 72 comments Patricia wrote: "Okay, his hand is underneath her, his palm is over her torso and he's cupping her breast...does this man have 3 arms?! Or is this a special way vampires move or something?! I have to tell you, th..."

Exactly! Good observation, Patricia. LOL. This author is trying desperately to use big and varied words that its just an utter mess.




message 31: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Weeeee. Now that statements are stuffed and stamped I can goof off a bit. More?

"She cried with helpless excitement as his thumb circled the seat of her delight with tantalizing patience intended to prologue her climactic, gratifying convulsions, rendering her soft and pliant for his designs."


message 33: by Nona (new)

Nona (goodreadscomnona) | 145 comments oh my sides hurt! this is too funny, a wild mare!?! thrumming her lute strings?!? is he seducing her or is a horse whisperer?



The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments LMAO!! These are so great, I have tears streaming down my face!

Sparkly frissons of arousal? This is priceless. Is this all the same book? If so, I so have to buy it now. Misfit, I can't believe you are saving the best until last. How can this author possibly out-do a three-armed-horse-whisperer that can render a woman pliant for his designs while thrumming her lute strings to sparkly frisson?

This book is genius!


message 35: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments "three-armed-horse-whisperer"

Good thing I wasn't sipping my tea when I read this, I would have had serious monitor damage :)

Yes it's all the same book and trust me I didn't get farther than 100 pages before it hit the wall. I doubt the author intended this as a satire, but whatever sells I guess. Hope you buy it, then you can share more, I had to send it back to the library so I could stop myself from writing up these quotes.

"Her hand found his codpiece and kneaded him artfully. "take me, take me,"she implored, yanking her sleeve down to bare a generous white globe. She put his hand on her breast and wiggled her thighs against his groins. The lady was afire!........Their joining was rough and urgent, pure lust, naught more, and Anne seemed to relish their shameless savagery. As she bounced in frenzied rhythm, her hips gyrating with increasing urgency, her mewing took on a high pitch."

I am still saving the best for last.......


The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments Oh stop it!! You're killing me!!!!!

LMFAO!!!!!! Oh, this is pure genius! Her generous white globe??? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

I can't type for laughing.......

The lady was afire! Oh, this is too much.


The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments I've tried every bookseller I can think of plus ebay and I can't get the damn thing for less that £9.00 (inc. p&p). That's a lot of money, but I so want this book - I haven't laughed this hard in ages!

I've tried the library too (online) and they can't get it! :o(


message 38: by Sara W (new)

Sara W (sarawesq) | 2153 comments Boof wrote: "LMAO!! These are so great, I have tears streaming down my face!

Sparkly frissons of arousal? This is priceless. Is this all the same book? If so, I so have to buy it now. Misfit, I can't believ..."



Three armed horse whisperer!!! OMG, LMAO!!! Thrumming her lute strings was a personal favorite of mine. Ha!



message 39: by Sara W (new)

Sara W (sarawesq) | 2153 comments Do they do anything in the book but have sex? Is there actually a plot?


message 40: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Boof, that's too bad, you'll just have to read as much as you can via the Look Inside on .us

Sarah, yes there actually is a plot. Let's see if I can recap as far as I got (page 100 or so).

Michael is the foster son of an Earl and his heir (how does a non-relative become heir to an Earldom?). He also has some strange "sickness" that he takes some kind of weird medicine for (something to do with the vampire bit). Soooo, he's off to Henry VIII's court for the annual meeting of the Knights of the Garter (annual meeting, that was the word used I believe). Said son of powerful Earl arrives at court with no retinue and gets treated like dirt and dumped in a crappy room.

Princess Renee of France gets caught by some court flunkie making whoopee with the painter Raphael and gets dragged through the court half dressed (I am not making this up) to face the king (her brother in law I think). Anyhow, for some reason that I have forgot they make her disrobe in front of King, Queen and a cardinal or other high Church official. OK......

They decide to send her on some secret spy mission to Henry's court and she shows up with only her old nurse (no ladies in waiting) and some French guards who give her some kind of self-defense lessons. Said guards also have a habit of forgetting to guard her so she's wandering around the court unattended all the time. OK......

I think I'm out of quotes that I dare post here. Are you guys ready for the big ta-da and my personal favorite?


message 41: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Oops, I forgot to mention that the author is all over the blog interviews carrying on about her research and how everything it true and accurate. This is serious reading folks.


The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments Yes, yes, we're ready!! *hops up and down excitedly*


message 43: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Boof wrote: "Yes, yes, we're ready!! *hops up and down excitedly*"

You are so impatient :)

Are you ready? So here we have a Princess of the Blood, a daughter of a French King and all around good catholic girl and she's in bed with her love-bunny and..................

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(sorry, couldn't resist pulling a Tino trick there)
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"Whoa..." Michael murmured in awe. "Volcano of honey"


message 44: by Tisha (new)

Tisha | 72 comments LMAO!! Whoa??? Volcano of honey?? Wow. just wow.

It is all so ridiculous...the plot included!


message 45: by Sara W (new)

Sara W (sarawesq) | 2153 comments O...M...G - all of it! LOL, it's just insane!

Ha ha ha, I love that they have annual meetings like a corporation. Are proxies allowed to vote? I simply cannot believe this is being marketed by the author as a seriously researched novel. Too funny!!! Oh, the poor, poor people who will believe it is all true (are they really expecting a vampire novel to be "well researched"? how can you claim that?)!


The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments Whoa????? All I can think of is some bad teen movie with some spaced-out geeky teen saying "Whoa, dude!" LMAO!!

I don't even know what to say about volcano of honey. I think I might add Rona Sharon to my list of favourite authors without even reading any of her books.

I still can't get over her mewing and flashing her white globes!!!


message 47: by Tisha (new)

Tisha | 72 comments Boof wrote: "Whoa????? All I can think of is some bad teen movie with some spaced-out geeky teen saying "Whoa, dude!" LMAO!!

I don't even know what to say about volcano of honey. I think I might add Rona Sha..."



Exactly! Who says "Whoa" in the 16th century!?



message 48: by Misfit (new)

Misfit | 696 comments Apparently before writing this *cough* historical novel she wrote two historical romances. It's a shame the library doesn't have them, although there is a new medieval romance out from the same publisher that's sitting at the hold desk waiting for me.

For those in the US, at least one library that participates in the ILL program has several copies so don't be afraid to try. If you dare that is.


message 49: by Tanzanite (new)

Tanzanite | 76 comments I received this book and had it only long enough to verify that Misfit is not making this stuff up! (Then it went straight to Paperback swap) It's all there in black and white in the guise of being a serious historical novel. She should be embarassed and her publisher shot!

I'm not sure anyone will be able to find examples to top these!


The Book Whisperer (aka Boof) | 85 comments Paperback swap! Genius! We have a UK version I could join. Thanks Tanzanite.


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