Bisky's Twitterling's Scribbles! discussion

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All Things Writing > A place for critique

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message 1: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
Just a random idea of mine.

A couple of people I know have been sending me messages with sentences they just can't get right. Or, want to see how a reader sees them. I thought I'd create a place for that here if anyone wants to use it.

I think max 5 sentences just so the posts aren't too long. But it might be a nice place to see some new talent and get some advice. Sometimes just switching words about is all you need.

What do you think?

Showing off an awesome sentence is fine too :3


message 2: by Ken (new)

Ken Mooney (kenmooney) Ooh, great idea, Bisky.


message 3: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
Thanks :3


message 4: by Ken (new)

Ken Mooney (kenmooney) I actually ran into this the other day and had to ask a writer-friend on Facebook. Would've been fun to post here too and see the results (though it was more of a scene/action than a sentence.)


message 5: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
I think short scenes are ok to post, or even a link to a short piece of writing (if its longer than 5 sentences, but I think you're less likely to get replies)

Id also like to see sentences people are most proud of writing :3 Was wondering if I should make that a topic tomorrow night if no one wants to show off here :p


message 6: by Ken (new)

Ken Mooney (kenmooney) I'll start with a sentence I'm proud of, actually. Third sentence of my book, and it's also one that one my first reviewers contacted me to say it didn't make any sense.

I don't think he would've recognised a metaphor if it had its fingers around his neck...

"But a black fog had come to spoil its perfect clarity, a thick creature of embers and ashes that haunted the sky, attacking eyes and lungs. Its tendrils whipped through the air, branches of smoke reaching forward in the darkness, ready to wrap their arms around the city."


message 7: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
Niiiice.

Made sense to me :x

I like it alot its very atmospheric :3 It reminds me of a scene in a movie I've seen with lines of smoke, but its deserted me what movie it is, haha.


message 8: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
I also think you achieved in three lines what some writers take three paragraphs to :3


message 9: by Ken (new)

Ken Mooney (kenmooney) Aww, thanks Bisky. That's all part of my "visual"-ness of these scenes, since that's all sort of a view from overhead before it swoops down and through the city.

God, I'm such a nerd...


message 10: by Michael (new)

Michael Pearce (michaeltinkerpearce) | 91 comments Ken- that was pretty cool... and I totally got it.

Here's one I am happy with:
"It may seem a fine thing in song or story to be ankle-deep in the blood of your enemies, but in reality it's slippery, smells bad and is nearly impossible to get out of your socks afterwards."


message 11: by Stacy (new)

Stacy Reid | 4 comments Ken wrote: "I'll start with a sentence I'm proud of, actually. Third sentence of my book, and it's also one that one my first reviewers contacted me to say it didn't make any sense.

I don't think he would've ..."


I like it. I wanna read more. Is it the opening? or your fave lines?


message 12: by Stacy (new)

Stacy Reid | 4 comments Michael wrote: "Ken- that was pretty cool... and I totally got it.

Here's one I am happy with:
"It may seem a fine thing in song or story to be ankle-deep in the blood of your enemies, but in reality it's slipper..."


oh Michael I love it.


message 13: by Stacy (new)

Stacy Reid | 4 comments Bisky wrote: "Just a random idea of mine.

A couple of people I know have been sending me messages with sentences they just can't get right. Or, want to see how a reader sees them. I thought I'd create a place ..."


I think its a really good idea. My first lines are normally not as sexy/intense as the ones I am reading!


message 14: by Michael (new)

Michael Pearce (michaeltinkerpearce) | 91 comments Thanks Stacy!
The importance of an opening sentence cannot be underestimated. Years ago an editor asked me to help him out by reading through his slush-pile. I protested that I didn't know the standards an editor would apply. He responded, "Read the first sentence. If it doesn't grab you put it in a pile to send back." I was horrified, but apparently that's how they do it.


message 15: by J (new)

J | 301 comments Mod
@Ken - I love the life you have given to the fog! :D
@Michael - So true. That's probably the thought most soldiers have on the battlefield. :3

Here's the opening line to my WIP. It's from my experimental prologue; it's probably my favorite part in what is "presentable." xD


A ride after dark would've put a soothing end to his evening, but Thomas Langdon had to go meet the stranger with the smudgy glasses.


message 16: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
@Stacy, I've tried to make mine intense! :O

@Micheal I like yours. Omg thats scary about the slush pile.

@Josh SMUDGY GLASSES!! :O


message 17: by Ken (new)

Ken Mooney (kenmooney) @Josh/Stacy, it's not my opening, but it's the third/fourth lines. The whole opening is sort of poetic and grand and working its way through the city (Olympus) before working its way to the gods in their temple.

Josh, love yours too. Very hard-boiled detective...


message 18: by Bisky (last edited Sep 04, 2013 06:29AM) (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
My wip opening :3 Still kinda experimenting...


There is a pungency in the air of this city that not even the bitterness of my cigarette can mask. Even though its been the hottest day of the summer and the warm wind has been lashing my face like a slimy tongue, my skin is still raised in gooseflesh, I’m still shivering.


message 19: by Michael (new)

Michael Pearce (michaeltinkerpearce) | 91 comments That's a good start! Very Noir...


message 20: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
You think so? Oh, good :3


message 21: by Bisky (new)

Bisky Scribbles (bisky_scribbles) | 2536 comments Mod
Makes me want to read it :]


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