Young Adult Roleplay discussion

28 views
Outside Writing > Goten's stories

Comments Showing 1-22 of 22 (22 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Alice (new)

Alice (alice20) Haha I am the ULTIMATE Batman fanatic, so I loved the idea. The merging of superman, cyborg, and Batman into one story was just one of the coolest premises I have ever read :D

The pacing was fast, which I liked, but I would suggest you tone up your capitalization (for instance, "Surprised" in the third sentence), and separate your big paragraph into littler ones, so that it's easier to read. You have some grammatical errors in here, so watch out for those.

Thanks for sharing this Goten! :D


message 2: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson This is an interesting story, it's good! I love seeing things from different characters point of view! You sum up the background information in a fast and to-the-point way which I think is really good, you don't want readers to get bored.
I think you might want to work on your use of full stops for instance in this one sentence; "He was Suprised at how fast he got there but he told the cops and kept the notes and they arrested his father and he used his powers at first to steal when he was 19 he joined the army and used his powers to help and when he was 24 he retired the army and became a cop and was recruited to the justice league ." It's so long and you use the word "and" 7 times (if I've counted right).
Try using some conjunctions - words or phrases which join two parts of a sentence (called "clauses".)
So in this for example; "He was surprised at how fast he got there but he told the cops, keeping the notes and they arrested his father. First he used his power to steal, but at 19 he joined he army - using his powers to help him - then when he was 24 he retired from the army to become a cop. Soon enough he was recruited to the justice league."
I like it! Please upload mooore!
xxx


message 3: by Alice (new)

Alice (alice20) I posted a comment on your story :)


message 4: by Amy (last edited Sep 17, 2013 05:53PM) (new)

Amy Thomson So, firstly, well done! I like the idea of these games and 'the fourth child', that really adds a good aspect. I love the idea that the siblings are all so close, I thought that you can really work that to your advantage.
I did find it quite confusing to understand with all the dialogue. For dialogue to be understood you need to do more than just speech marks. Commas and describing words and even the format with starting a new line are important.
Take the morning scene for example;
"I was worried about you yesterday," she says, with tears forming in her eyes. He hugs her back.
"You know I would be fine. What was it that father said that gave us an advantage, sister?"
She nods at him and quotes, "Axel - the first child had the power of time control. Soaren - the second child has the power of super strength strength. Kaia - the third child has the power of super smarts. And the fourth child has the power of destruction."
Soren nods back and says, "See nothing to worry about Kaia. I'm fine in those games."
"Brother, I'm the smart one... your chances of winning against last years chapions is 1 in 5," she sighs.

So do you understand that for every knew speech you need to begin a new line;
"Hey," she said.
"Hello," he replied.
"How are you?" She persisted.

I'm just going to jot down some tips which you might find useful;
-Capitals when it is the name of something/someone. For example; Kelal, Kaia..
-If the word begins with a vowel then it will be AN, not A. For example; not a egg, but an egg
-Spell/grammar check your own work before you submit it, it's great practise and is lovely to read back and be proud
-Never start a new setting with *jbdbadf*. Set a new location with description; sound, smell, sights, emotions, feelings. -- IN fact just think about these things through-out the whole time you're writing. You may not put all that description into the work but as an author you do need to know what you're writing about in every aspect. Completely imagine yourself there.
Lastly, some aspects of your story confuses me a little. Is Kaia more of an anxious person, or a strong person? Is Inge okay with the fights or not? Do they have TV like 'humans' or not?

Well done on improving what you did from last time, I can see much more conjunctions (but still too many 'ands')
Please carry on, I'll be happy to comment on more of your work, you're heading in the right direction and I'll be waiting for more. Perhaps rewrite this one and see how you do? Practice makes perfect and you're on your way!


message 6: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson What do you mean?:)


message 8: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson I don't understand aha?


message 9: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson I mean I get that you are 11, but why are you telling me this?:)


message 10: by inactive account (new)

inactive account (inactiveaccoun) | 3917 comments I'm not that good of a writer


message 11: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson Yes you are! I just read your work! You have incredible ideas and I certainly see your talent:D I think the dialogue between characters is realistic and, especially for 11, your writing has a lot of potential. I think you should stick at it, if I'd written something like that at 11 you can bet that mine would've been much much worse!
I'm not trying to rip your work apart when I read it, not at all! When you put it up on Goodreads, I assumed you wanted us to give you feedback to help improve your writing. So I've tried to do that.
And honestly, I am only trying to help you. I just spent about 30 minutes reading through and writing a response, and its 2.00am where I am! So do trust me, I wouldn't go to that amount of effort just to offend you. And I'm sorry if I have.

Do you understand that I'm just trying to give you feedback like any other who has asked?


message 12: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson Sorry, why the '...'?


≈aleх: pнoenιх oғ тнe ғlaмe≈ (loveisendless) DEAL WITH IT, GOTEN! IT'S LIFE!


message 14: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson Okay, I'm sorry.


message 17: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson I assumed that's who that was aimed at, aha. But I'm apologising for trying to help you with your writing skills. Now, I really need to sleep because I've just wasted however long trying to help someone who won't even say thank you. Oh well, my mistake.


≈aleх: pнoenιх oғ тнe ғlaмe≈ (loveisendless) HELP HIM! HE NEEDS TO FEEL THE CORRECTING FEELS!


message 19: by Alice (new)

Alice (alice20) Okay people, I'm sensing a lot of negative energy here. *moment of meditation*

But seriously, Goten, Amy has a lot of good advice, and you have great ideas and advanced writing for an 11 year old. By posting your stories up in this section of the group, you are accepting the feedback of others. Amy wasn't trying to be mean when she gave you feedback.

This is a supportive writer's group! Chillax and be nice :D


message 20: by Amy (new)

Amy Thomson Thank you Ali, you're exactly right x


message 21: by [deleted user] (new)

I can totally understand what is happening, as I am only 12 and a very young author.
I know what it is like to get feedback I that I don't appreciate, but I try to look at it positively. You never know it could be useful.
I wrote a story in the Outside Writing section and got very helpfully feedback, so thanks to all who replied on it.
I think you had a great story idea, and maybe even something being worth published as a book, that could be like your first chapter or something.
It needs a bit of editing, but I understand that you are only 11.
If you dislike editing, you could get a parent or maybe even a hired editor, if you plan on publishing it, to edit for you, like I will do when I publish my first book.
Once again, I loved the whole story idea.


message 22: by inactive account (new)

inactive account (inactiveaccoun) | 3917 comments So.. I know this is probably pretty bad but I would love people to state their views on it.





Chapter 1



" Mutants. Most humans hate us out of fear, some our obsessed with us so much they want to study us, a rare few know that mutants like us our on their side." Charles Xavier explained to the small group of x-men. Banchee,Havoc,and Beast. Havoc rolls his eyes"Do you remember we've only met 2 humans who don't hate us or want to dissect us. One's dead and the other you wiped her mind of everything about this place. Charles looks at Havoc nodding"True but there's bound to be more." He says rolling his wheelchair out of the room.

Beast stands up ruffling his blue fur" Well I must get back to my lab." He says walking out of the room. Banshee smiles and stands up " Wanna practice our trick?" Havoc grins"Sure.". Havoc and Banshee walk out side. Havoc puts on head phones blocking out all sound then Banshee screams at super sonic levels then Havoc shoots his energy wave from his chest right at Banshee's scream and then the sound was visible because it was now a giant laser. Banshee closes his mouth getting rid of the laser. The 2 guys looked at each other and laughed making Banshee say" That was awesome!"

Beast picks up a syringe filled with a red liquid he then puts it's in his arms letting the liquid go through his system then he put metal cuffs connected to a metal chair on his arms and legs. Then his eyes dilate and he roars and struggles against the cuffs then he breaks the cuffs also breaking the chair. He stands up and begins to smash everything going insane then he jumps through the window charging at Banshee and Havoc. Banshee screams at Beast and Beast falls to his knees holding his ears. Banshee stops screaming and walks over to Beast" Beast are you okay." Beast jumps at Banshee but then he freezes in mid air. Charles rolls up to them looking at beast"His experiment only releasing inner animal within him once again."
Charles tosses havoc a green syringe. Havoc walks over To beast and carefully puts in the vein on him arm like beast had taught him. Charles unfreezes nests dropping him. He looks at Charles while standing up" It didn't work again." Charles nods" I'm afraid your endeavors will have to wait until you find something that might help you transverse back Into your human look. We need to get the cerebro Working Hank." Beast nods then walks into the school followed by the others then down stairs into the bunker then into the where the cerebro was. Charles rolls into the room and sets the cerebro on his head" All of you please leave I must be alone for this to work perfectly." Beast closes the door leaving Charles alone. Charles closes his eyes then sees hundreds and hundreds of people surrounded big millions, these people were mutants all of them. Charles searched through them until he found some special a young boy who threw a coin in the air then time reversed for the coin and went back into his hand then he did it over and over.


back to top