Write What You Want! discussion

13 views
Janelle's folder > His Dirty Little Secret (Rough Draft)

Comments Showing 1-50 of 105 (105 new)    post a comment »
« previous 1 3

message 1: by Janelle (last edited Aug 25, 2013 04:18PM) (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Introduction
It was just a normal day for camping, the sun was out the heat was surrounding us. My mom was folding up the sleeping bags, my dad was cooking up some burgers on the gril. My brother and I were running around and playing in the lake laughing and splashing each other like normal kids. I didn't think it would happen we were just normal we never did anything at all. We did all normal family camping activities, swimming, hiking, playing games, and etc.

Until the night came that's when the trouble started, he came to us. Saying his son was missing and wondering if we ever saw him. Of course my parent's said no but felt bad and said they would help find him. Though he told us no that it was alright he'd find him. Right as he left my mom jumped in feeling bad and offered some food for him seeing he looked exhausted and hungry. When he agreed I got him a plate of food when my mom asked though as I did I felt I was being watched, my brother Coby also felt like he was being watched.

My mom and dad wanted me to sit by him but I moved away from him. I went to Coby and my tent. He could tell I was worried he was too we sat in there just talking until we heard a scream. I jumped and ran out with my brother. I screamed seeing my mom on the ground bleeding and my dad was fighting the guy that we gave food too.

"Mom!" I screamed tears filling my eyes I ran to my mom but I was pulled back by something stronger then me. I turn and saw a kid he looked my exact age with dark brown eyes almost black covered a bit with his blonde cropped hair. I was froze in fear he smiled at me deviously. I looked down at what he was holding it was a bloody knife. "COBY!" I screamed in fear shaking badly struggling in fear.

As he held the knife to my throat. "LET HER GO!" yelled Coby running to the boy attacking him the boy let me go but I screamed when he stabbed my brother right in the neck. "NO!" I screamed badly shaking badly tears falling down my face.

I turned around seeing all my family was dead my dad lying on the ground blood seeping out of his neck. My mother looked lifeless with a broken neck. My brother with a huge gash bleeding in his neck. I saw the two killers coming close to me. I couldn't do anything at all until I had that one chance when they were talking the boy grabbed me again holding the knife.

"What do we do with her pops?" he asked his dad. The man looked at me evilly. "Hm I don't know son what should we do?" he asked his sons opinion.

While they kept talking I hit the boy hard in the chest and kicked the dad in the privates. I ran screaming for help I ran as quickly as I could. I ran into the forest tripping over sticks, and rocks hearing yelling and cursing from the campsite. I ran until I tripped over a branch just over a huge ditch. I fell in hitting my head hard screaming for help one last time before passing out.

I couldn't believe it my parents were dead and my brother was dead. I couldn't do anything about it. They were dead, the killers weren't going to be found only three dead bodies maybe a fourth one. The killer's face the boy's face the images flooded her head as she cried in the ditch begging for help. Hearing the police come closer to the ditch hope filled her as she heard her name called. "Lyra, Lyra!"

I couldn't get up though my body was in pain I was thirsty and hungry I didn't know the date or time. I flinched seeing a light shine on me I slowly looked up coughing badly. "I Found her!" Yelled the police man seeing Lyra lying in a ditch practically shaking and freezing. "Hang on Lyra." three police men come down with ladders and lifted my shaking freezing cold body up.

"We got you Lyra." One whispered. "Your safe now." The other said as I was lifted onto a gurney and put in an emergency helicopter taking her to a safe hospital. The bodies of her parents being found and brought to funeral homes to be ready to be buried.

When Lyra watched the funeral sitting in a wheelchair and Iv connected to her and a small oxygen mask on her. Her hair pulled back into a bun her fragile body in a black dress tears falling down from her face. She cried badly her friends watching her cry over her parent's and brother. All she could see was the face's that would hadn't her for the rest of her life. Parker her best friend practically sisters, her family adopted her she lived with them in New York still haunted by the nightmares ever since that horrible day.


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

Hey i hate to be all 'edit this! edit that!' and it might just be an auto correct mistake, but it says 'my dad was cooking up hamburgers on the girl'.


message 3: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Yeah I know I have to fix it up. I was typing it all up and I saw the mistake.


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

sorry it's in my nature to be pushy about editing.


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

my friends always get mad when i look over their shoulder when they're typing a story and i point out a mistake. so i'm trying to keep all the editing till the person's story is done.


message 6: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
It's all good. I haven't been able to work on this stuff. Thank you for letting me know:)


message 7: by [deleted user] (new)

yep!


message 8: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
It's fine with me I"m so used to that don't worry.


message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

sorry if it was private or anything, but i was reading the collaboration idea between u and Andria, and i think it will turn out great!


message 10: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
It's fine with me thank you. I think ti's fine with Andria,


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

It's going to take me a while to read this because I'm reading Lia's stories. Lia is Strawberry BTW. :)


message 12: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
That's fine. I'm doing something too so it's fine.


message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

Janelle, I really like this. I love the idea going on here. The only thing is that it keeps switching from first person to third person, but other than that, it's great!


message 14: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Thanks Andria.. Yeah I have a problem with that. I always switch point of views I'm used to third person and I tried first on this but yeah it ended with third.


message 15: by [deleted user] (new)

Haha I understand. I do it too


message 16: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Yeah.. So should we do something like Desperate and his dirty little secret for a story?


message 17: by [deleted user] (new)

Sorry I took so long and you're probably asleep, but if you want to do a combination we could or make a story like them? I'm trying to see what I can do with Desperation. I do like the idea of a mystery/ scary story. How about we create a new one together? I want to see how your story plays out, and I want to see how mine plays out. We'll talk about it tomorrow afternoon? Goodnight :)


message 18: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
No it's all good. I'm going to sleep in an hour or so.

That's fine we can do a mystery/scary story we can create a new one together:) Same with me okay hopefully I'll be out of school by then:)


message 19: by [deleted user] (new)

Great! I'm excited! :) I get out of school at 3:00, but I probably won't get home until 3:30. Idk if your time is different or nnot, though. :)


message 20: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
I get out at like 2 something i can't remember.. depends on where you live. I'm in Utah.


message 21: by [deleted user] (new)

I have no idea what the time zone differences are, but I'm in Alabama.


message 22: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Okay well Time difference in Utah is an hour behind Alabama, I'm guessing it's ten thirty five there?


message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

It was, yes. Sorry my notifications aren't working.


message 24: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
It's fine and yes it is. So I'll just be a bit behind you on the time so it's going to be easy.


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

Great! :)


message 26: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
:D Well I'll be going to bed soon but we can discuss tomorrow or right now still:)


message 27: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
:D Well I'll be going to bed soon but we can discuss tomorrow or right now still:)


message 28: by [deleted user] (new)

Doesn't matter to me I'm writing some more to Desperation, but I'm probably about to go to bed too. Hmm, let's just discuss this tomorrow. Goodnight :)


message 29: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Okay I'm writing a bit more of his dirty little secret too.Goodnight though cya tomorrow:)


message 30: by [deleted user] (new)

Great! :) see you tomorrow


message 31: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Cya goodnight!


message 32: by JOIE (new)

JOIE (gijojo) | 18 comments Yeah, I'm a bit late but I was gonna mention the editing too, but..rough drafts tend to be pretty shaky. Is this just a short story or is there more to it your working on? I am interested in finding out about the killers, what they were doing there and what they wanted; other than to just kill them. :)


message 33: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
It's fine and yeah it's going to be more then a short story. I'm still working on chapter one but school started so its getting a bit in the way. But I'll still be writing:)


message 34: by JOIE (new)

JOIE (gijojo) | 18 comments good :) can't wait to read what happens


message 35: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
:) ill try to update as much as I can:)


message 36: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Your so welcome! I might do a paragraph or two more and then post.


message 37: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
I got to go now! But I promise ill post it!


message 38: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
I'm back!


message 39: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
I'm almost done and about to post


message 40: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Chapter 1: 10 Years Later

Lyra woke up screaming badly shaking from the same night she's had for the past ten years of her life. She drank her water quickly and sat up all the way still shaking and freaking out like an insane person. That's what most people thought she was insane but she was just scared. It's been ten years and they still haven't found her parent's killer nor his son. She told all she knew to the police and they kept searching and searching all over Manhatten. But still nothing was found, all during that time Lyra went into therapy to help her out.

Parker and her family stayed by her side supporting helping her out. Even through school and college they were there for her. After graduating with a degree, they have helped her for so long. Lyra started dating when she graduated from college a boy named Kragen. Parker doesn't really trust him but he's slowly gaining her trust.

Though he's a good match for Lyra they like the same things he's always being so kind. He comforts her when she sees a memory she doesn't want to see. He helps her out and keeps her safe from harm they both live with each other in an apartment near their work. Every morning it starts out the same old thing Lyra wakes from her nightmare when Kragen is already there awake to comfort her. Even when she's shaking badly and having an anxiety attack he's there to help her.

The Morning

Lyra woke up from another nightmare thinking it was so close to being real. She sat up panting and Kragen hugged her gently from behind. "Hey it's okay sh...." He whispered in her ear holding her close to him. "It felt so real." Lyra said softly tears falling down her face laying her head against his shoulder crying softly.

"I know baby but it's over your safe now. I won't let anyone hurt you." He said to Lyra softly and comforting. He wiped her tears gently off her face. "Your right I'm sorry." She said to him as she finally stopped.

"Baby why are you sorry?" He asked her rubbing her back gently to calm her down. "I'm sorry I haven't got rid of these nightmares and that i'm still a coward of everything that happened." She said to Kragen. "I'm sorry, your girlfriend is such a coward." She said softly to him. Kragen looked at her.

"Don't please, don't say that. It wasn't your fault it was ten years ago when that pyschopath killed your family and you survived. I can't blame you for being so scared and having the memories." He said to her and. Lyra looked up at him.

"You really mean that?" She asked him. He nodded. "Yes." He said to her and kissed her softly on the lips. Lyra smiled and kissed him back softly he always made her feel so much better.

"I love you Lyra don't you forget that." Kragen said to her. Lyra smiled. "I love you to Krag." Lyra said to him he smiled and kissed her cheek.

"Oh by the way happy twentieth." He said to her. Lyra blushed. "Thank you." she said to him smiling when he brought a box out wrapped in a ribbon.

"You didn't have to give me anything." She said to him. "What kind of boyfriend am I not to give my girlfriend a present." he said to her and kissed her cheek.

Lyra smiled. "Go on open it." he said to her. Lyra smiled and opened it up. Lyra smiled at what it was a beautiful silver necklace with a wolf crest on it and her name engraved in it.

"Krag thank you so much." She said to him hugging him he smiled. "I knew you would like it." He said to her. "I love it." She said to Kragen and hugged him kissing his cheek.

"We better get ready or were going to be late." Kragen said Lyra got up "Alright another boring day the the New York Times." She said to him. "Don't worry about it Ly, you'll get another job soon." Kragen said getting up. He kissed her cheek and went to make practice. "Yeah your right." She said to him smiling at him.

She got up and choose her clothes for work, she took a quick shower and changed into her work clothes. Braiding her hair into a simple dutch braid around her neck. She finished packing her purse making sure she had her work folders in it. She heard her phone vibrate she smiled at the text from Parker. She texts her back saying thank you for the birthday greeting.

Lyra left to work after saying goodbye to Kragen the necklace around her neck. She took the subway to her work. Kragen was lucky he worked just a few minutes away from the house and Lyra has to take the subway to her work. She hoped he was right though she hated her job wirting collumns about murders and kidnappings because that's all she was good at. At least that's what her boss has told her.

(Kragen's P.O.V)

After Lyra left, Kragen was so happy he never liked her being in the house. He loved her yes but not as much as she thought he loved her. He knew about her dreams, Lyra thought she was dating the perfect guy that wouldn't dare to hurt or lie to her. She is so wrong, Kragen remembers that night when Lyra was running away from him and his father. He tried to convince his dad to not go after her but he did, he broke his neck trying to catch Lyra.

Kragen ran and left before the police could get there, He thought Lyra killed his dad by pushing him down the ditch and letting him break his own neck before she fell in the ditch too. She never knew that his dad was the killer nor did she know Kragen killed her brother. Kragen gathered his father's body before the police could find Lyra. She was half dead in the ditch freaking out freezing cold about to fall into a coma. He wished she did though she never dared too. She was too strong, Kragen was out for revenge her necklace really held a tracking device. It's time for revenge to be unleashed though Parker has to be taken care of first.


message 41: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Thanks and Maybe about an hour or so. I will post small paragraphs so I don't make you wait so long.


message 42: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Thanks and I will try to find a publisher as I edit it. Though I'm not the best editor... I just started writing I'm not entirely that good..


message 43: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Well I don't want to bother you or ask you to do that.. It makes me a bit guilty when I do that. But if you want to you can? I won't force you into it.


message 44: by [deleted user] (new)

You can hire an editor :) sorry for invading y'alls convo


message 45: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
I would if I have the money and its fine Andria.


message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

SHE IS TOOOOOOOOOTALLY a good editor, Janelle!!! I wrote a story, emailed it to her, and she emailed back with about 25 emails of corrections!!!


message 47: by Janelle (new)

Janelle  (its_jt_lv) | 328 comments Mod
Well Zoe if your up for it you can help me edit It.. Ill need all the help I can get!:)


message 48: by [deleted user] (new)

corrections as in not like, 'add this sentence here, add that one there', more like, 'this should be a new paragraph', spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, stuff like that.


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

so zoe, u made the story better um.....format wise, i guess u could say.


message 50: by [deleted user] (new)

yes!!!!! but without changing the sentences and stuff


« previous 1 3
back to top