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Poetry Competitions!! > Week 1- The Future

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message 1: by Kyra (new)

Kyra (Nikara) | 364 comments Mod
Go ahead and jump right in! You have until next Saturday to write and post your poem. Other than that, there's not really any rules. Good luck to all of you!!!


message 2: by Mel (new)

Mel | 371 comments Mod
I believe you just post it right here. :)


message 3: by Kyra (new)

Kyra (Nikara) | 364 comments Mod
Yep! Just go ahead and post it under here!!


Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 265 comments The Future.
the Possibilities
are
Endless.


message 5: by Debaparna (new)

Debaparna | 19 comments Nice one. The lines evoke the misery and despair of wartime well. But I think the lines are a bit too long, and the images might have been better organized.


message 6: by Kgtrap (last edited Sep 02, 2013 01:50PM) (new)

Kgtrap | 10 comments Let me try one. Okay this might not be good because I'm coming up with it as I go

Should I fall in love?

One must wonder what the agony of love tastes like
It must be sweet like a bottle of honey
Or it may be sour like an old lemon
Look around you for one quick minute
Look at all the couples holding hands
Look at the happiness being passed around
Love why is it always love that we have
Why must I be tormented with this invisible box
Burying my true feelings inside my heart
I want her to get close to me
She is the stars of my night
She sunlight of my day
My morning and night
The one that makes me smile
But every chance I get to make her see me
I hide deeper inside my shell
One day she will see me
On that day I too might feel the rain of love

Thank you

Kg trap


message 7: by Debaparna (new)

Debaparna | 19 comments @Aalia W:
you're most welcome :)

@Kg trap:
There are some grammar mistakes - a bit silly, I might add, but they mar the effect. The punctuation marks need some work.
Lines are a bit chaotic, but that's okay, because you're making it up as you write. But you might have proofread it. But the simplicity makes it seem genuine. On the whole, 3 out of 5 stars.


message 8: by Kgtrap (new)

Kgtrap | 10 comments Thank you :) i finally got an honest review on my writing and I'm definitely not good with punctuations. Thank you again i will work on that


message 9: by Kgtrap (new)

Kgtrap | 10 comments oh and does it mar it in a good way or bad?


message 10: by Debaparna (new)

Debaparna | 19 comments It mars it in a bad way. You know it's like, I'm reading a line and thinking, 'oh that's nice', and then I come across a mistake and I think, 'ugh!' That's the effect ruined.


message 11: by Kgtrap (new)

Kgtrap | 10 comments Thank you! I actually needed this review that's how I get better. You could be a good editor. I don't have the editing skills so even if I come across a bad line I wouldn't notice it at least with my poetry I wouldn't if it would not be a bother to you would you mind helping me with that please?


message 12: by Debaparna (new)

Debaparna | 19 comments No problems helping a fellow Write-maniac. :)


message 13: by Jocelyn (Ducky) (new)

Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 265 comments Write-maniac, ha ha. :D

Aalia: Debaparna echoed my thoughts exactly. That's all you need to make it wonderful.

Kgtrap: It's true it would flow better with punctuation. It would also flow better with shorter lines, although I like the point that you make.


message 14: by Jocelyn (Ducky) (new)

Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 265 comments Ugh. Not impressed with this one. Is there a limit to how many poems per topic? (please say no!) Cause this may very well be my second, and not my last.

Metal.
Plastic.
Silicon.
All that remains of a gone world
Are
Pictures on
Metal.
Plastic.
Silicon.
Everyday of
This
Life is
Metal.
Plastic.
Silicon.
How long before all that
Remains
Of Us is
Metal.
Plastic.
Silicon?


message 15: by Debaparna (new)

Debaparna | 19 comments @Treasure Ducky:
The idea is a nice one - everything being codified into a superficial representation in metal and plastic and silicon. Using one word per line also gave it a hard, unyielding and... I might say, brutal - feel to it.
But the sentences might have been made better if you had restructured them a bit: say, you wrote: "All that remains of a world gone by/ Are pictures on/Metal,/Plastic,/Silicon." This is just a suggestion, actually restructuring them and how is your job. But you might have tried that. Otherwise, 3 out of 5 stars.


message 16: by Kyra (new)

Kyra (Nikara) | 364 comments Mod
XD This was a little bit longer than a week, but no matter. I'm closing this contest now. Polls are up. Please vote and participate in Week Two!!


message 17: by Jocelyn (Ducky) (new)

Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 265 comments Where do I find polls?


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