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Realistic Fiction > instability - an original story (available for sale on gumroad for 1€!)

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message 1: by Mafalda (new)

Mafalda (mafaldafalcao) | 4 comments So, although I have some stories posted on a fanfic webite (asianfanfics), I decided to give it a try on writing original stories and actually publishing them. This one is called "instability" and can be bought here: https://gumroad.com/l/instability

It's an e-book three-chapters long, and instead of sharing a synopsis, I'll post an excerpt from the first chapter:

"And she knew that if she told them Haneul was diagnosed with autism (something she strangely developed within her) that could also be interpreted as a major depression, they would just squint their eyes and be silent for a few seconds before laughing and making up their jokes about how Harry was the cause — the thing they didn't know was that they were totally right with such assumption."

Hope you like it! It's the first of many stories to come, hopefully better :)


message 2: by Colby (new)

Colby (colbz) | 3211 comments If I were to give you any advice, it would be that the sentence you posted is really long-winded and hard to follow. There were multiple parts where you could have broken it into several smaller sentences and I think it would have made more sense that way. I don't condemn self-publishing, but I would HIGHLY recommend posting the stories you wish to publish on places like Goodreads first, that way people can read the stories, tell you what they think, and you can get the best possible story out to the public. Good luck.


message 3: by Mafalda (new)

Mafalda (mafaldafalcao) | 4 comments Yes! This is the kind of comments I want! Thank you. It totally slipped my mind people would get tired of a long excerpt. Now I know :) And will definitely ask for your advice on new stories haha! Thank you so much, really :)


Sam~~ we cannot see the moon, and yet the waves still rise~~ | 3061 comments mathalda, i don't think it's an issue to have a long excerpt if you break it up into multiple sentences. it's just that as a whole long winding sentence like that, your meaning is lost and the reader gets confused.


message 5: by Colby (new)

Colby (colbz) | 3211 comments Yeah, it wasn't the length of the excerpt itself that bothered me - that was fine - it was the sentence length. Let me explain myself:

"And she knew that if she told them Haneul was diagnosed with autism (something she strangely developed within her) that could also be interpreted as a major depression, they would just squint their eyes and be silent for a few seconds before laughing and making up their jokes about how Harry was the cause — the thing they didn't know was that they were totally right with such assumption."

That is your excerpt as it is. Try breaking this long sentence into a few shorter sentences to make it easier to read and understand:

"And she knew that if she told them Haneul was diagnosed with autism (something she strangely developed within her) that this could also be interpreted as a major depression. They would just squint their eyes and be silent for a few seconds before laughing and making up their jokes about how Harry was the cause. The thing they didn't know was that they were totally right with such an assumption."

See how that breaks the thought up into easier-to-understand portions? Often, if you feel like your sentence is lengthy, you will want to see if you could benefit from breaking it into multiple sentences. This is not true in all cases, but it can be.

Good luck with your story!


message 6: by Mafalda (new)

Mafalda (mafaldafalcao) | 4 comments Thank you! I have that flaw. I don't know how and when, but I started to write like that in both Portuguese and English, and whenever I read simple sentences they just don't make any sense to me. I should definitely start seeing that! Again, thank you so so much :) To both of you!


message 7: by Dana (new)

Dana (danachewy) | 735 comments Colby wrote: "Yeah, it wasn't the length of the excerpt itself that bothered me - that was fine - it was the sentence length. Let me explain myself:

"And she knew that if she told them Haneul was diagnosed with..."


Although I agree with you on the sentence length thing, Colby, (and please don't take this the wrong way) I feel like the way you "cut" them up made the writing sound choppier and less dramatic, I guess.


Sam~~ we cannot see the moon, and yet the waves still rise~~ | 3061 comments Dana wrote: "Colby wrote: "Yeah, it wasn't the length of the excerpt itself that bothered me - that was fine - it was the sentence length. Let me explain myself:

"And she knew that if she told them Haneul was ..."


well, everything has their place. i agree with you, dana, that it can be more dramatic the way mafalda wrote it originally, and in moments that you're writing about, yes, that would be one way to dramatize it and make the reader really "feel" it. there are also times in writing where writers use short, staccato sentences help provide that same emotional effect. however, although there are exceptions like what i just said above, as a rule run-on sentences are something to be avoided.


message 9: by Dana (new)

Dana (danachewy) | 735 comments Sam~ on sleepless roads the sleepless go~ wrote: "Dana wrote: "Colby wrote: "Yeah, it wasn't the length of the excerpt itself that bothered me - that was fine - it was the sentence length. Let me explain myself:

"And she knew that if she told the..."


Yup.


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