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Does this need some serious editing or what??

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message 1: by Erin (last edited Jan 22, 2008 11:23PM) (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments The black limo drove up to a crowd of thousands of waiting fans and news cameras. It was the longest limo you’d ever seen, no doubt it had it’s own swimming pool, it did. But it wasn’t the limo the people had come to see, it was what was inside, or rather who.
It came to a halt only feet away from it’s destination. This was a relatively normal atmosphere for the girl inside, yet still her forehead was creased with nervousness. Her make-up stylists were still perfecting her already perfect face until only seconds before she would appear in public, when her frown would disappear and a dazzling smile would claim her face.
The first thing anybody ever saw of her was her pointed foot, in this case wearing a diamond encrusted pump. Then her long thin legs, followed by a deep red jean skirt that came just above the knee. A black top would have finished it off if it wasn’t for the hair. The brown and purple hair was in tiny braids and put into pigtails that splayed out of her head, reaching her shoulder. Her bangs were put to one side using a ruby clip to match the ruby encrusted ribbons keeping her pigtails in place. Her nails were painted silver, matching the ring she wore on her pinky finger. This girl… was Angela…

Angela wasn’t always famous, it happened when her solo in the school production she was performing in was taped and sent to a news station. Over night she had become the next big thing, the voice of the century… In hours a band was put together, named and ready to perform. The very first song that they played was just an old classic that lots of band had performed before, what made it special was the sensation of the voice singing it.
Now every single member of that band, ‘The Angels’, had it all, the money, the glam, the fame, the chance in a life time taken… Of course all the members of The Angels had had a lot of that before they became The Angels, except Angela. This was a new and exciting adventure for her, and she had one of those natures where you think you have to take it all or not take it at all, and believe me, she took it ALL!!!
I think you know that most of these celebrities are always looking for more fame, and so there had to be sacrifices, for example Angela had to leave her high school boyfriend, that she had already been dating before she became famous, for another big shot that would bring her that much higher in the food chain.

And that lucky boy was exactly who Angela had come to meet tonight, it was their very first date; it was at The Festive Moment. Andrea was there to take her arm at the door and lead her inside, where the loud shouts and flashing cameras would be replaced by soft music and twinkling lights. Andrea was in a tux, where as Angela, being the teen idol she was, had that rebel kind of style. But the diamonds and rubies really made her look a lot more formal. “Ah, peace and quiet at last…” sighed Andrea. This brought a tinkling laugh from Angela who said “Well I wouldn’t stretch it that far: raising her eyebrows at the door where waiters were trying to make sure the door s didn’t break down from hundreds of fans pressing against it.
“Oh never mind them,” he laughed “I just want to enjoy this evening… with you” Angela blushed, her other boyfriend, Justin, hardly ever flirted, he was more like a good friend who you could talk to then a boyfriend. Angela decided to change the subject, thinking about Justin made her think about what he had said to her before he drove away for the last time… “At least it’s an Angel who just dumped me, NOT my Angie.” These words puzzled her to no end, wouldn’t it hurt more if an angel dumped you? She broke the silence. “Well shall we order? I’m starved!” she said. Her body guard cleared his voice… That was another ‘improvement’ on her life. Having Robyn follow her 24/7, he was probably why she had developed the habit of taking extra long showers in the evenings. Robyn was like any other CIA agent, hard faced, showing no emotion what ever the circumstances. Supposable he knew martial arts; self defense how, to shoot 50 different guns that hadn’t even come to the factory yet, 29 different languages, and could lift over 500 pounds. Angela had never seen or heard any of this, and, frankly, she didn’t want to. His LOOKS could kill, not to mention those muscles… Robyn raised his eyebrows, obviously he was reminding Angela of the fact that she would be starved if she had only had a cube of cheese to eat all day, as was true for her. Angela ignored that, despite their lack of conversation, and Angela’s very real fear of him, body guard and superstar had developed a sort of father-daughter relationship, “Well of course!” Andrea answered, giving her a smile and wink before summoning a waiter. While Andrea took his time to decide exactly what to eat, Angela had some time to think. Right now she felt like Andrea was just perfect, he thought she was pretty, cute, and loved her voice, and how she knew he did…

message 2: by Erin (last edited Jan 23, 2008 10:54AM) (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments I don't like some parts of it, like where Andrea says: “I just want to enjoy this evening… with you”. But thats just his character. This is the very beginning of the story... Guys, I would really appreciate some help on this one...

message 3: by Karen (new)

Karen Fainges (vampfictionwriter) | 3 comments There are times when less is more. Take "It was the longest limo you’d ever seen, no doubt it had it’s own swimming pool, it did. "

Try something like, "It was the type that would have it's own pool."

My editor said to me to go through every word and cut any that weren't 100% necessary.

message 4: by Arthur (new)

Arthur | 15 comments Fill in some of the desired points. Add some of its scenery. Get rid of the agreement/argumentative crap. Check your paragraphing at the beginning. Why is the bodyguard changing her habits and status and in the center of its romance?

message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

There's a lot of description here, a lot of telling instead of showing. I think you can do a better job of showing the backstory through dialogue, flashbacks, thoughts, etc. rather than just describing what happened in a few sentences/

message 6: by Erin (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments mmm...

next time try to be nice about it o.O jeez

ok so what do you mean by the argumentative/agreement stuff???

and this is the prologue guys, does that change your veiws on how it's written???

i'll post the rest just now

message 7: by Erin (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments I did a lot of telling because people need to know her status in life before the story actually begins

you see the actual story is written in first person as her ex-best friend, now, if 'Angela' is going to be one of the main characters then how on earth can she if no one knows about her, other then she's famous and she left her best friend in the dust?

message 8: by Erin (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments Now Karen I like your advice, I will definitely think about that :D THANK Y'ALL!!!!!!!

message 9: by [deleted user] (new)

I could be nice about it, but I'm not a nice person, so it's not really possible.

message 10: by Arthur (new)

Arthur | 15 comments Thanks for the tip\ it’s a nice story either way, of the lady Carra’s or Miss 'Angela' and her prologue.

message 11: by Andrew (new)

Andrew | 3 comments Your descriptions are pretty good and you used a few phrases I really liked..."tinkling laugh" for one.

My advice on this is pretty typical: put it away for a while and come back to it. This piece needs a little bit of cutting down...I say that because everything I write gets drastically cut before it's truly finished. This can be tough to do but in the past I've found that coming back to it after a while makes it easier.

Some of the samller problems will be easily and quickly fixed by an editor. In the meantime, remember to "show not tell": Perhaps some of the info can come to the reader through a memory or dialogue. Get the story out first (which is just what you're doing) and clean it later. Nice job!


message 12: by Erin (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments XD Frank - No wonder... :) Oh well

message 13: by Erin (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments Andrew - OK... I think I'm getting your show not tell thing..

hmm... i wrote that bit A LONG time ago, so maybe i'll go and edit it tonight :) would be fun to play with it a bit..

But idk how i'm gonna cut it down :S i'll try :)

Thanks y'all, i really appreciate it =D

message 14: by Arthur (new)

Arthur | 15 comments Can't cut it, completely? Maybe no long prologue? have whole chapters? or from what you know wiggle out to begin stuff you like to update readers and remind everyone who Angela is and her life as she becomes such and such. Whom in the story, Carra is experiencing a wider vivid life than that body guard who pans out, maybe than Angela. Not going to have the same story by its ending? It’s really hard to say what I’m feeling but seeing. You can direct, it becomes the narration, a completely new take, captioned out.

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