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Well here goes...

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message 1: by Karen (new)

Karen Fainges (vampfictionwriter) | 3 comments OK I hope I read the point of this group OK. I put up a bit of a story I am writing and let people help, is that right?

Assuming it is, this is part of my fourth novel. I am having trouble getting past the start. Tell me what you think. It is based on the Shaytonian histories (a made up race from the other three books, only two published so far, the editor is dragging her feet with the third.) Check out www.shayton.net if you want to see what the universe it is set in is like.

Here's the story so far:


They crouched behind the shrubbery shielding their thoughts and staying downwind of their prey. The wait had taken hours, but finally the moment was so very close. All the preparation, time spent convincing his reluctant companion to do this, it was all about to bear fruit. The soft tread of feet drew nearer. He could smell the man they had been tracking. Brushing his tongue across his lips, Kalib gazed across at Nalar and realised they were echoing each other. A grin swept between them and they leapt.
The tall, pale man in front of them straightened from his automatic fighting crouch and shook his head. Hair flowed like dark silk around him and settled like a cloak over his shoulders and back. “You two obviously need more work to do.”
Kalib straightened as well, as tall as his father Talkar, his own cloak of hair a deep red. Nalar stood beside him, a third variation on the same theme, though his slightly darker complexion and blonde hair echoed his human father. “Don't be like that, we were just trying to prove a point.”
Talkar looked at him with a look of polite enquiry that fooled no one, “Oh, and that is?”
"You are distracted, you need a break, and luckily you have the perfect excuse."
Talkar stared, his face not giving them anything.
Nalar chuckled, "Come on half-brother mine, did you really think our mother would let you forget your birthday?"
Finally relaxing, Talkar shook his head, "I had hoped."
Kalib clapped him on the arm, "Stranger things have happened, but not today."
Talkar looked around, "So, if this is my surprise birthday, where are the rest of the guests?"
Nalar took the question "Waiting in the village. We were not sure how distracted you were."
Kalib nodded, "The sight of you carving into someone might have spoiled the festivities."
Talkar shifted his weight in a way that made the other two wary, "And did you really think you two could really stop me from carving into you?"
His claws flicked out and Kalib found himself stepping back to clear space to fight, "No, but we two would be able to survive it without having to carve into you."
Talkar's eyes flared and this time Kalib stood his ground unwilling to risk looking weak. Talkar had been acting strange all week and he didn't want to provoke a fight today of all days. Nalar stepped forward. Maybe he felt differently. Kalib watched them both with careful eyes.
Talkar glared at Nalar, "Do you really think I would not attack you?"
Kalib tensed, he knew the answer to that. If he thought it would improve his life or that of his family, Talkar would attack anyone. Heck, he knew that the answer was yes for all of them. They would all attack if the reason was good enough, but that was just the point, there was no reason to attack here. So why was he suddenly so worried?
Nalar shrugged, “I know that I have felt like attacking before but that there is no logical reason to do it. Therefore I will not attack. And I doubt you would either. Not without a reason.”
Talkar shook himself. “Maybe I do need a party, a chance to relax.”
Kalib shared a glance with Nalar. They both realized how close they had come to a fight and neither of them knew why. Kalib found himself wondering if even Talkar knew why. Somehow he doubted it .They had all been on tender hooks and there seemed to be no reason for it, other than they all felt it. He cursed: a strange group feeling. Last time it had been a wave of lust that had swept through them all forcing them to bind themselves to the planet through new life, children conceived in that lust. They hadn’t known the cause at the time. Now that they did, Kalib wondered what else was happening that they didn’t know about. Or how many times they would have to face the unknown here in this new world they had built. He shook his head. Enough worrying, this party was to cheer Talkar up, not depress himself. They walked down the path towards the village proper in companionable silence. It was a marked change from moments ago, but Kalib wasn't about to look a gift mood on the mouth.

message 2: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 5 comments It needs more of a hook.

message 3: by Karen (new)

Karen Fainges (vampfictionwriter) | 3 comments I agree, but I am lost for an idea.

Later in the book Talkar is called to a throne hidden on the land. needless to say, the whole episode scares him silly. It might be more exciting, but I don't know if the audience would get why he is so freaked without the buildup from here.

message 4: by Erin (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments try making them actaully get in to a little hussle... and also sharper, either slow it down or speed it up

message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

HELLO everyone lol =D =D =D =D =D =D lol. :D how is everyone doing?

message 6: by Erin (new)

Erin Nitz (fatherxchristmasxisxmyxdaddy8p) | 13 comments how is everyone doing... hmmmmmm GREAT XD here, let me do MY smileys


BEAT YOU!!!!!!!

lol what about you, hows ya?

message 7: by Arthur (new)

Arthur | 15 comments you obviously have typing skills and can rethink this story again. here’s a point to make about organization and cheapening the sequences of the characters in this dreadful situation. I f it’s a rewrite keeping the sequence, start all over and take it from another angle retelling the original of the story. It could be that you’re heart isn’t into crafting imaginary lives, but that’s unlikely, we experience the folly as these three fight. They seem to get mixed up when glaring at each other. And you do have a good main point. The ending is a tear jerker. If you could tell it from another source or direction to bring it to a close.

message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

I agree with Rachel, a hook in the beginning would help get the reader more intrigued by the story.

message 9: by Rachel (new)

Rachel | 5 comments Im very pleased with this group! SHould we use this new location?

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