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message 1: by Rana (new)

Rana | 26 comments I put this in the wrong place, so I'm reposting here with a different poem...

This one is a stream-of-conscience rant kind of poem, but still something near and dear to me. Critique is greatly appreciated, or I'll critique anything anyone else wants to post. So here is it.

Always

You are the best of me

and the worst of then.

Music to quicken heart’s pace

while words pierce through the chest

to times of ridicule

long since buried.

Lips curl up to high-pitched voices,

mockery of the worst of humanity

and the ironic stupidity consuming the world

we are forced to occupy.

Yet my brow hardens

when old friends are near,

my tongue gets tight to hold back

times when you should have been my enemy,

the one with my fist in your face.



Differences are left to the wind,

cut short by short responses

and diverted eyes.

And it’s okay to find our opposing poles;

it’s only a reminder of the silent creed between us,

spoken once so long ago.



Can I ask you something?

No matter how this turns out,

let’s always stay friends.



message 2: by Fatooma (new)

Fatooma Aj (Fatima_Aj) | 2 comments WoW ..It's amazaing... I loved it so much .. keep going :)

wish u all the best ...


message 3: by Rana (new)

Rana | 26 comments Fatooma wrote: "WoW ..It's amazaing... I loved it so much .. keep going :)

wish u all the best ..."


Thank you! :) Just curious, do you mean keep going as in continue the end of the poem? Or just keep writing? Because I'm on fire writing wise! I'm really looking to see where I can improve. ^_^


message 4: by Fatooma (new)

Fatooma Aj (Fatima_Aj) | 2 comments Welcome ^^ .. yup I meant keep writing because honestly you are very talented .. you have a unique taste of choosing words .. :)


message 5: by Rana (new)

Rana | 26 comments New poems to critique if anyone's interested! And feel free to post your own and I'll critique when I can if you're looking for that kind of thing.

Two haikus.

Wolf
Audible whisper;

the siren’s melodious

step wakes the nightmare.

0.5 mm
Slight etching of grooves

into fibers, woven tight,

loosened by carved ink.


Any thoughts? I'm not too happy with the first line of Wolf right now. I'd like to change it, but stuck.


message 6: by Emily (new)

Emily H. Sturgill (sexinthekitchensink) | 20 comments What if you changed Audible to inaudible? Like an opposite thing?


message 7: by Emily (new)

Emily H. Sturgill (sexinthekitchensink) | 20 comments Hi, I'm an Artist/Poetess and a self-published Author on kindle-KDP-on Amazon.com. I'm wondering if anybody would be interested in reviewing my newest chapbook? It will be on free kindle promo download starting this Monday Earth day and lasting for 5 Days. For more info please check this link-it's an 8 min youtube poetry reading promo video-http://sexinthekitchensink.wordpress....


message 8: by Emily (new)

Emily H. Sturgill (sexinthekitchensink) | 20 comments I have been a writer/poet for most of my life but I am new to both self-publishing and blogging. I'm anxious for any kind of feedback I can get, in order to improve my "craft" or "technique." I am also an unemployed but trained Art Therapist. I graduated with my Masters last Spring but still have yet to find a day job. Any advice on how to become a better artist/poetess would be very helpful-even if you think my stuff sucks! Especially if you think it sucks!!!Thanks, Emily Sturgill


message 9: by Emily (new)

Emily H. Sturgill (sexinthekitchensink) | 20 comments My Authors page on Amazon-is: www.amazon.com/author/emilysturgill
I have a wordpress.com blog which is my primiary-the video link above takes you there and I have a secondary blog on google.com : dirtyfilthybutterflyblues@blogspot.com
Any input on any of my writing would be very appreciated.


message 10: by Sydney (new)

Sydney Wallace | 4 comments Thought I'd put this up, get some thoughts :)

November Evening


Standing
Blanketless and barefoot
Watching
As pieces of stars and planets fall
Their death signatures trail bright in blackness
And recall
Hairline fractures
In a heart only
Bound by a connection
Strong as spiderweb
And nebulous as air
Sighing
I close my eyes-
And wish.


message 11: by Ingrid, Just another writer. (new)

Ingrid | 930 comments Mod
breathtaking....I loved it


message 12: by Rana (new)

Rana | 26 comments Goodreads didn't tell me there were more replies to this thread!

@Emily - Thank you for the feedback. That's actually how I had it when I started, but there were too many syllables. I also did intend on the use of audible, as I usually think of a whisper to be inaudible to those who are not supposed to hear. This is more hearing the step of the wolf when it doesn't intend for you to hear it. You know what I mean?

@Sydney - I love the break choices you make in this piece. I feel like the flow really doesn't start until "And recall," probably because of the length of the two prior lines. Perhaps a break after "stars and," and a break after "signatures trail." Otherwise, the word choices are lovely. Great images and emotion in this piece. Well done!


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