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message 1: by Kyle (new)

Kyle | 9 comments Tell me like and what you dislike. I'm trying to become a better writer so give it to me straight



Title: A New Day
Author: John Carter
Words: 932

The neon lights flashed yellow, green, and blue. The city was alive this night, more alive than it had ever been at day.

The people of the city were all out tonight, the pleasant smell of food drifted from every direction, catching unsuspecting tourists in it’s trap. A street band played its snazzy jazz tunes and made it’s $34.26 of the night. Laughing and clapping greeted the brave couples who danced in the street square to the band’s tunes. People gathered to watch the girl who would move, only if you gave a quarter. Vivacity was in the air.

But a single figure did not seem to be getting into the mood of things. She was a spot of black and white in a colored world. She was clothed in dirty clothes, her hair was wild. Life was not in her face, the world was hard and cold to her, the happy people were foolish. She walked through the crowd aimlessly, not knowing or caring about where she went.

The hours passed, the people left.

She remained.

Alone now, she stood in the square. The life of the city was gone. It was asleep now. The moon was shining brightly, it illuminated the city in a milky dimness. She lay on a bench now, her eyes filled with tears.

How could this happen? Why did I have to do it all wrong? I was happy once. I had a life

“I had a life”, she whispered to the darkness.

“But in the end, I think that will be taken away from me to.”

She paused, the darkness seemed to listen. It didn’t judge or question.

She continued, “ I lost everything, my job, my house, even my children. It all started with my husband. I thought he loved me, then he started hitting me. I kept on coming up with excuses for it. He was working to hard, I wasn’t good enough for him. I developed a need for drinking, the only escape from my day to day hell. I might have gone on this way for longer if my husband hadn’t hit one of my kids. I packed my bags and took the kids. The divorce went through and everything was fine, for a while. Then my habit became a problem. I began to spend all my money on it. I started to treat the kids as if I didn’t love them, but that’s not true. I worked night and day trying to provide for my family, I loved my family. I still love my family. Things hit rock bottom when I showed up to work drunk. I lost my job and the owner called child services. They took my children. I was evicted from my house and I took to the streets. I have been here for about four years now. I have no money and I haven’t eaten in five days. If I do get any money I spend it on alcohol. Eventually I will drink myself to death, but no one will care.”

She stopped and yawned, “ Well the night is old and so am I, goodnight night, tomorrow is another day”.
She slept peacefully that night as if a great weight was gone, never had she told of her life

Just before dawn she stirred. There was something in the air, not the smell of food, but a sweet smell like flowers. She opened an eye then another. They were flowers, daphadils by the looks of them. She sat up and looked around, nothing moved in the stillness. She picked them up and inhaled them deeply. There was a note and envelope pinned to the flowers. She opened the note first:

TO: We don’t really know your name(Sorry)
FROM: You don’t need to know that

Last night we were sitting on one of the curbs near the square, we didn’t mean to but we heard every word you said. It seems so easy now a days to judge on appearance, but you are an example of why we should never do that. If you love your family still, then here is your chance to fix it. Enclosed in the envelope is money. What you choose to do with it is your choice. There is a rehab clinic about four blocks from here, you’ll find the money is more than enough. You are a special person, your life can be what you make it to be. I hope you make the right choice. I’m sorry about the mistakes you’ve made, but I am telling the truth when I say that you would be missed by us.

She finished the note, holding back tears. She stumbled up determined to not screw it up this time. She slowly made her way down the empty streets.

Four blocks. Three Blocks. Two Blocks.

She stopped, there was a liquor store in front of her, all she had to do was open the door and she would be inside. Her hand touched the handle ready to make the move. She closed her eyes and thought of her children. The hand left the door.

She walked again, she could see the clinic now. She entered into it and stepped up to the receptionist’s desk.

The employee looked at her and then said, “ Oh yes, you’re the girl they were talking about. They told me you would show up here today”.

She looked at the employee , “ I want my life back”.

“Don’t worry you’ll get it”.

The sun had just peaked over the mountains as she handed over envelope with the $34.26 inside.

It was a new day


message 2: by Joseph (new)

Joseph (josephzolik) | 6 comments It was a touching story but I thought it needed more adverbs and descriptions. The first two paragraphs were useless to the story. You need to shape them up a bit and I can't tell you how because you as a writer will know.
I thought the note with the flowers sounded like something that a child would say.


message 3: by M.L. (new)

M.L. Bushman | 144 comments Ok, here's my take and my comments are in caps. Whatever you don't like or agree with--ignore it.

The neon lights flashed yellow, green, and blue. The city was alive this night, more alive than it had ever been at day.REVERSE THESE TWO SENTENCES. THEN DROP THE "THE" FROM THE NEON LIGHTS AND ADD THE COLOR RED--MANY FOLK THINK NEON AND SEE RED. YOU CAN, ALSO, USE THE NEON LIGHTS TO ADD MORE DESCRIPTION TO THE SCENE, BRIEF ONE OR TWO WORD DESCRIPTIONS OF THE BUSINESSES AROUND THE SQUARE YOU MENTION BELOW. HERE IS WHERE I WOULD MENTION THE LIQUOR STORE AND EVEN WORK IN A MENTION OF THE CLINIC. THEY ARE CENTRAL TO THIS STORY.

The people of the city were all out tonight, the pleasant smell of food drifted from every direction, catching unsuspecting tourists in (it’s ITS, NO APOSTROPHE--THE RULE OF ITS IS THAT IF YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE IT IS FOR ITS IN THE SENTENCE, IT GETS AN APOSTROPHE, IF NOT, NO--EXAMINE THE REST OF THIS STORY FOR ITS) trap. BE SPECIFIC--WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WERE OUT--HOW WERE THEY DRESSED--WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS MAKING THAT PLEASANT SMELL. A street band played its snazzy jazz (tunes MAY BE OMITTED--YOU USE THIS WORD IN THE NEXT SENTENCE) and made it’s $34.26 of the night. Laughing and clapping greeted the brave couples who danced in the street square to the band’s tunes. People gathered to watch the girl who would move, only if you gave a quarter. SO HOW WAS THIS GIRL GIVEN A QUARTER? WAS THE COIN DROPPED INTO A BOX AT HER FEET OR PRESSED TO HER HAND? SPECIFICS. Vivacity was in the air.

(But a single figure did not seem to be getting into the mood of things. HERE IS THE AUTHOR TELLING US INSTEAD OF SHOWING, SOMETIMES KNOWN AS AUTHOR INTRUSION--YOU COULD OMIT THIS)(She was a spot of black and white in a colored world. She was clothed in dirty clothes, her hair was wild. MIGHT MARRY THESE TWO SENTENCES--A SPOT OF BLACK AND WHITE IN A COLORED WORLD, SHE WAS CLOTHED IN A DIRTY T-SHIRT AND JEANS, HER HAIR WILD AS THE LOOK IN HER EYES. OR?) Life was not in her face, the world was hard and cold (to her OMIT--YOU ARE TAKING THE READER INTO HER HEAD--WE GET IT), the happy people were foolish. She walked through the crowd aimlessly, not knowing or caring (about MIGHT OMIT) where she went.

The hours passed, the people left.

She remained.

(Alone now, she stood in the square. The life of the city was gone. It was asleep now. The moon was shining brightly, it illuminated the city in a milky dimness. She lay on a bench now, her eyes filled with tears. PARAGRAPH IS AWKWARD--MIGHT REWORD THIS--ALONE NOW, THE LIFE OF THE CITY ASLEEP, SHE LAY ON A BENCH IN THE SQUARE AND STUDIED THE MOON...OR?)

(How could this happen? Why did I have to do it all wrong? I was happy once. I had a life YOU COULD OMIT THIS--THE LINE BELOW IS STRONGER)

“I had a life”, she whispered to the darkness.

“But in the end, I think that will be taken away from me (to TOO).”

She paused, the darkness seemed to listen. (It didn’t judge or question. MOVE THIS ONE SENTENCE--SEE NOTE BELOW.)

She continued, “ I lost everything, my job, my house, even my children. It all started with my husband. I thought he loved me, then he started hitting me. I kept on coming up with excuses for it. He was working to hard, I wasn’t good enough for him. I developed a need for drinking, the only escape from my day to day hell. I might have gone on this way for longer if my husband hadn’t hit one of my kids. I packed my bags and took the kids. The divorce went through and everything was fine, for a while. Then my habit became a problem. I began to spend all my money on it. I started to treat the kids as if I didn’t love them, but that’s not true. I worked night and day trying to provide for my family, I loved my family. I still love my family. Things hit rock bottom when I showed up to work drunk. I lost my job and the owner called child services. They took my children. I was evicted from my house and I took to the streets. I have been here for about four years now. I have no money and I haven’t eaten in five days. If I do get any money I spend it on alcohol. Eventually I will drink myself to death, but no one will care.” I WOULD BREAK THIS UP SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE WITH THE SECOND SENTENCE AS NOTED ABOVE--ONLY I WOULD NOT USE IT, AS IN IT DIDN'T JUDGE OR QUESTION--THERE IS NO IT--THERE IS THE DARKNESS OR IN THIS SECOND CASE, THE NIGHT, WHO IS THE SILENT PARTNER TO THIS CONVERSATION.)

CONTINUING TO SECOND POST...




message 4: by M.L. (new)

M.L. Bushman | 144 comments (She stopped and yawned, “ Well the night is old and so am I, goodnight night, tomorrow is another day”. I THINK HERE YOU SHOULD TAKE A CHANCE THAT THE READER'S GOING TO GET THE FACT THAT SHE IS TALKING TO THE NIGHT. SHE STOPPED TO YAWN, THEN SAID, "WELL, YOU ARE OLD AND SO AM I. TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY.")
She slept peacefully (that night OMIT THIS--WE KNOW WHERE SHE IS AND WHAT TIME OF DAY IT IS) as if a great weight was gone, never had she told of her life

Just before dawn she stirred. There was something in the air, not the smell of food, but a sweet smell like flowers. She opened an eye then another. They were flowers, daphadils by the looks of them. NEEDS TO BE REWORDED--JUST BEFORE DAWN SHE STIRRED TO A SWEET SMELL THAT REMINDED HER OF BETTER TIMES. SHE OPENED ONE EYE, THEN THE OTHER, TO A BRIGHT YELLOW RIOT OF DAFFODILS.) She sat up and looked around, nothing moved in the stillness. (She picked them up GATHERED THE BOUQUET IN HER ARMS) and inhaled (them OMIT) deeply. HOW DOES SHE FEEL WHEN SHE INHALES THE SCENT, WHAT IS SHE THINKING, OR SEEING IN HER MIND'S EYE?

BEGINNING HERE IS WHERE YOU MIGHT SHOW THE CHANGE COMING OVER HER. THIS IS IMPORTANT--THIS IS HER TURNING POINT. IT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TO SAY SHE FOUND A NOTE AND AN ENVELOPE--THE NOTE SHOULD BE IN THE ENVELOPE. COINS SHOULD FALL OUT WHEN SHE ESPIES THE CASH. WERE IT MY STORY, I WOULD HAVE HER DROP THE BOUQUET TO CHASE THE COINS, THEN FIND THE NOTE, READ IT, AND PERHAPS LOOK DOWN AT THE COINS CLUTCHED IN HER FILTHY HAND WHILE THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS LAY ON THE DIRTY STREET. AND I WOULD HAVE HER PICK THESE FLOWERS BACK UP AND CARRY THEM TO THE LIQUOR STORE AS IF THEY WERE A CHILD--SHE CRADLED THE FLOWERS--SHE HASN'T REALIZED YET THAT THIS IS THE SYMBOL OF HER NEW LIFE. THESE FLOWERS SHE CRADLES MAKE HER STOP AND THINK OF HER CHILDREN LONG ENOUGH TO DECIDE--YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THIS--YOU'RE SHOWING HER DECISION WHEN HER HAND LEAVES THE KNOB. SHE LEAVES THE LIQUOR STORE FOR THE CLINIC, STILL CRADLING THE FLOWERS. AND WHEN SHE TELLS THE RECEPTIONIST AT THE CLINIC SHE WANTS HER LIFE BACK AND THE LADY SAYS YOU'LL GET IT, SHE SHOULD INHALE THE SCENT OF THOSE FLOWERS ONCE MORE. SHE HANDS OVER THE ENVELOPE, HER PERFUME IS DAFFODILS, THE SCENT OF A NEW DAY.

WATCH YOUR TYPOS. LIKE I SAID BEFORE, WHATEVER YOU DON'T AGREE WITH, IGNORE IT. IT IS YOUR STORY, AFTER ALL. I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I SAW IN MY MIND'S EYE WHEN FIRST I READ THE PIECE.

Hope this helps some

Mari


message 5: by Kyle (new)

Kyle | 9 comments Alright great comments. This exactly what I was looking for. Also I'm curious Joseph, how exactly did the letter sound like what a child would say?


message 6: by Joseph (new)

Joseph (josephzolik) | 6 comments John
It didn't sound mature, it was like a child who was laughing while writing it.
You could try to put to: someone special from:someone who cares or something that will make it sound more mature.


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