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I APPRECIATE POETRY CRITIQUE > poem help and title

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message 1: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 11 comments What is that? Which stalks you now.
Anything but a deserted/forlorn howl.
When the shadows come alive
And you must start a fight
Before the progeny/offspring takes flight.

Is that the wind? That snap's at your back.
Blood covered nails, scratches at your neck.
Separate no problem but together
You may die of fright,
In this noxious mortal night.

So give me your hand and come this way.
But can you trust me?
The one that's not meant to be free.


*I plan to enter this poem which I've wrote into a poetry competition tilled Into The Shadows, there are no restrictions on the poem, so no restrictions on line number, style, form etc. the theme as guessed by the title is all things scary, dark and fearful.
this is the first draft of the poem, and if i'm honest, is not my best piece (at the moment anyway).
i would like advice on the whole poem please? as well as the two different lines where there is a / which means i'm undecided between two words, for example deserted/forlorn are the two words i can't choose between.
also any title suggestions would be great, i was thinking "into the darkness" or into the shadows, but i think that will be too similar to the competition title and probably many people would have done the same thing. i want a title that's going to stand out and be unusual.
please note; this isn't my first competition but it is only the second time i've posted a poem on goodreads, so be so critical or positive as you like.
thanks in advance, Sarah xxx


message 2: by epat (new)

epat (patriciablake) | 1 comments HOw about "Shadows Alive"?


message 3: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 11 comments okay thanks I'll keep that one in mind x


message 4: by Milkweed (new)

Milkweed Augustine (LamaMilkweed) | 706 comments I think it is really well done; something about which I know of too well and too personally.
I also posted one of many here on POETRY as well, priorly publicated in various books I publicated. This one here entitled SWEET MARY, SWEET CLEMENT.
Again; good luck, Sarah!

Lama Milkweed L. Augustine PhD
author 13 titlesThe Milkweed Prophesy: Epitaph of the Apocalypse


message 5: by Milkweed (new)


message 6: by Jenny (last edited Nov 12, 2012 04:39PM) (new)

Jenny (aldersoj40hotmailcom) | 59 comments I like forlorn of deserted/forlorn and progeny of progeny/offspring best. The words are a little more unusual. I hope that's helpful.

How about the name, "The Stalker"?


message 7: by Ajay (new)

Ajay (Ajay_N) | 225 comments Hi Sarah,

Title suggestion: 'Shadow Voodoo'/'Shadow Speak'

'forlorn' ahead of 'deserted'
'offspring' ahead of 'progeny'

For me, certain parts of all three stanzas have some stark images and are effective. However, I feel it can still be further enhanced.

For example: the below line needs work, in my opinion. Doesn't gel well with the other images/flow of the second stanza.

'Separate no problem but together'

With slight revisions, this poem will work well. All the best with the rewrite!


Anna  (Bananas!) How about "Take My Hand" for the title?
I'd go with forlorn and progeny.

Love this part: "Blood covered nails, scratches at your neck."

You could fix the "Separate" line like this: "Separate, no problem, but together"

I don't care for the last line, only because it doesn't flow well. Good imagery overall.


message 9: by Kerry (new)

Kerry Taylor (KerryT2012) | 18 comments I think it is a good poem, but I had a bit of confusion.
The person is confused about what is stalking them.
I thought the ending would either have me thinking about what could be stalking them, i.e. a confusion of it is the shadows or evil or something
Or it would leave it as a mystery.........and it would end with Ín this noxious mortal night´(love the mixture of these words)

I just did not expect it to turn into a trusting ending, i.e. take my hand, trust me.
Did not understand how that was included in the flow of the poem...............
So it turns the title into something totally different, which I agree with Anna.....

I thought the beginning should have been - What is it?
But, you have a wonderful mixture of words....such as blood covered nails, scratches at your neck


message 10: by Richard (new)

Richard | 285 comments snaps not snap's


message 11: by Jim (new)

Jim Gustafson | 25 comments What is that which stalks us now?
What is that forlorn howl
grousing in the shadows?

We must stop and we must fight
Before the children run in freight.
Is that the wind’s blood covered nails

Scratches our necks and turns us pail?
Separate is no problem, together we may die.
Let’s join hands and go this way,

Deep in the noxious night. We can wonder
Of each other, if we trust those
not meant to be free?


message 12: by Christine (new)

Christine | 21 comments sarah I just wrote a poem myself on shadows and.entered it.in the good reads contest for the first time. I have to say I really enjoyed reading yours I wouldn't change a thing if I was you. titles are what you make of it if you change the title I would suggest keeping in theme with shadows.


message 13: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 11 comments Thank you for all the suggestions, they are really helpful.
as some of you have pointed out, i didn't favor the "separate" line either, and that was the main point of origin that caused me to post the poem. the competition is open til December so i will take on all these comments and do some more work on it. i will definitely use Forlorn and more than likely Progeny. all the titles are really good Thanks. i will probably post the poem again before i enter it, so you can all see any changes. again thank you xx


message 14: by Sarah (new)

Sarah | 11 comments Jim wrote: "What is that which stalks us now?
What is that forlorn howl
grousing in the shadows?

We must stop and we must fight
Before the children run in freight.
Is that the wind’s blood covered nails

Sc..."


thank you for this idea. i like the different version you have create of it. the line "Separate is no problem, together we may die." is a much better structure and flow than what i wrote initially. i will keep this version in mind when editing mine....again Thank You x


message 15: by Fern (new)

Fern (FernRL) Jim wrote: "What is that which stalks us now?
What is that forlorn howl
grousing in the shadows?

We must stop and we must fight
Before the children run in freight.
Is that the wind’s blood covered nails

Sc..."


I agree with putting the whole line into the question:
"What is that which stalks us now?"

Saying:
'Before the children run in freight.'
isn't right. Is it a typo? Fright, not Freight.

I thought "snap's" was right, a contraction of "snap is," (noun - verb) but after including it as a whole question, then I guess 'snaps' is a 3rd person singular verb? (no apostrophe.)

Is that the wind that snaps at your back?

Otherwise, the poem has very nice imagery and fits the frightful scene, except for the end. I would either change the ending three lines or drop them altogether if I were you.


message 16: by Doug (new)

Doug | 1184 comments Sarah,

If you are to write in the 3rd person, you must have a clear exact idea of who that person is and usually what their motive for talking to you (or us)is. You seem to vacillate on the 3rd person's identity and motive. That 3rd person could be your own psyche or a conscience or even a remembered persona advising you.

Then the title will come easier. Try "Behind You" or "Behind Me" depending on who the 3rd person really is.

Good luck on your entry.

Doug


message 17: by Fern (new)

Fern (FernRL) Sarah wrote: "What is that? Which stalks you now.
Anything but a deserted/forlorn howl.
When the shadows come alive
And you must start a fight
Before the progeny/offspring takes flight.

Is that the wind? That s..."


I just re-read your poem, in the light of who is talking to whom about what, and the thing that comes across to me this time is a kind of paranoia or schizophrenia or both. Is it a voice in the head that is speaking? Is that the "me" that "you" are asked to trust--then questioned about whether or not that you can trust that voice?

In that case, maybe the last three lines are really the key to understanding this mystery, so maybe only a minor revision is necessary.


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