¡ POETRY ! discussion

246 views

Comments (showing 1-9 of 9) (9 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Scott (new)

Scott Toderash (raggedclown) | 16 comments Nicely done. It took me a long time to decide exactly what I like about this.

It's a love poem written in plain speak. The intent is completely there, but no pretentious language. The metaphors are not exotic either, but they are in there: dancing, wrapping, staples. This makes the whole thing accessible.


message 2: by Julia L. (new)

Julia L. (fuddyduddy) | 585 comments On the positive, I recognize your vision in this poem and find it to be sweet and full of good intent.

I am wishing for you to consider dropping the effort to rhyme, however, and write it more freely as a free verse poem just for practice, a kind of experiment. Often a rewrite, cutting out all unnecessary words, will reveal a stronger more memorable poem. I think this one could rise to a higher level if you did that.

A funny note: In your last stanza Stapled together - side by side / So tuned to each other there's nothing to hide ----well I was bound to read it -- So stuck to each other there's nothing to hide! Not to make fun, it just popped into my head as naturally as anything.

I would say you have lots of good stuff to work with and a fine start toward a poem that is a keeper.

Julie George


message 3: by Julia L. (new)

Julia L. (fuddyduddy) | 585 comments Of course you do and I like it, too. I love rhyming poetry and that is not the real trouble with this sweet poem. That is unimportant, however. I am sure it was received with all the love which you intended to convey. Who could ask for more? Not I.

Julie


message 4: by Paula Tohline (new)

Paula Tohline Calhoun (PaulaTohlineCalhoun) | 567 comments Hi Jerry!

I've been remiss in commenting - too much to do, too litle time - I am sorry. It's not you (or anyone else for that matter!).

Though not your best, I do enjoy this poem to a point. I will argue, just briefly this time around (had I more time, I might say more! LOL! ) The last lines:

"Tucked in our envelope - here or there,
where haply together - maybe two may share."

First of all, "here or there" doesn't really mean anything in light of the subject (at least not to me right now), and your last line is oddly redundant, but I don't think you mean it to be. There is a difference between the words "haply" and "happily," or "hap'ily" as it is sometimes poetically spelled. "Haply" means, I think, "by chance", or "mayhaps," etc. If that is what you intended, then "maybe" makes it redundant. If you mean "haply" to mean "happily," then go ahead and use happily, but let the rest o the line reflect that:

"Which happily together the two of us will share." Or some such. Whatever - the line's meaning needs to be clearer, which I think might be symptomatic of the whole poem. Of course it is also just as possible that I have totally misconstrued the poem, and in my defense, while I admit that is possible, I am still recovering from the accident, so. . .give me a break! LOL!!!!!

TTYL
Paula


message 5: by Paula Tohline (new)

Paula Tohline Calhoun (PaulaTohlineCalhoun) | 567 comments Thanks, Jerry - your explanation makes those lines much clearer. I don't dispute that "haply" is a good word - and as deliberately chosen as it was, I'm still not convinced that those last two lines fit in well with the rest of the poem - especially in light of the setting for the poem. It might be better to leave it as is, but maybe place it in a different place in the poem, so that the poem ends up on a more optimistic note. However, I do understand your wanting to add a note of caution to the newlyweds, I'm just not certain I would end my toast that way.

In any event, it's still a good poem - but you know that I feel that it could be a whole lot better. (That could be said about almost anybody's work - the difference between "almost anybody's" and "everybody's" in this case is whether a poem could be a whole lot better, a lot better, or just plain better!) LOL!

Paula


message 6: by Fern (new)

Fern (FernRL) Jerry wrote: "Scott wrote: "Nicely done. It took me a long time to decide exactly what I like about this.

It's a love poem written in plain speak. The intent is completely there, but no pretentious language. ..."


I agree with Scott. I really like the plain speak. I have no problem with the rhyming either, but there is something else that seems to stiffen the thoughts and stop them from flowing--wordiness, I think, or possibly some formalities in the beginnings of some of the lines.

I really like:
'It's forward marching and straight ahead'
and I think the whole poem should be like that. Straight forward with the marching beat, no fears of contractions that will propel the march onward, etc.

How about starting like this:
'So take hold now my outstretched hand'
'We'll dance a slow one through life's span'
Would that work? and so on... "We'll cherish...We'll build...etc..." or, at least I think that would help the flow.

I was also disturbed a bit by the haply/happily thing and your use of 'where' right before it also came across with an ambiguous meaning to me.

I toyed with it like this, but it also seems to be going back to the wordiness and away from the beat:

'Tucked in our envelope - we think we're secure,
but put haply together - the future's unsure.'

What do you think? Maybe it will give you other ideas.


message 7: by Vicki (new)

Vicki | 52 comments I like it - it is a poem that comes out of left field.


message 8: by Doug (new)

Doug | 1208 comments Jerry,

I was wandering around in my mind looking for the truth in this until I came to "stapled" and then I fastened onto it, Then "tucked in..." was superb and I had no doubt that "haply" was the exact right word for your finale. This is super for me except (there always is one, isn't there?) that I think the syllable count and rhythm could be worked on a little. Good job!

Doug


message 9: by Doug (new)

Doug | 1208 comments I had not looked at 9-11 so I will read again and be specific.


back to top