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I APPRECIATE POETRY CRITIQUE > Forever changed

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message 1: by Lubna (new)

Lubna (LubnaAmro) | 59 comments I constantly remind myself who i am
In this world , it is easy to forget,
One day ill look in the mirror ,
And my reflection would look different ,
I will find only bits and pieces of what was ,
Shades , of what was once a colorful & exquisite  painting
Forever changed ,
Like writing on the seashore,
Effaced by the coming wave, 
Lost in my own lies , 
A spider tangled in its own web,
Everyone is here , 
But i feel lonely as ever,
In the same room , but a million miles away ,
Tripping on the web I weaved,
Losing a little more each time i fall ,
And nobody feels anything.

Lubna Amro

Can you please give me some feedback ?
I really hope you like it =]


message 2: by Ruth (new)

Ruth | 5061 comments You need to show us what you see, instead of just explaining it secondhand.


message 3: by Lubna (new)

Lubna (LubnaAmro) | 59 comments But in the poem it is not something that happened , its something the speaker is afraid might happen , so she never actually experienced it firsthand ...


message 4: by Ruth (new)

Ruth | 5061 comments She's going to look in a mirror. What will she see?
Bits and pieces of what? What color? How will the painting be changed? What does she do?

The best writing "rule" to remember is show, don't tell. You're telling us how she feels. Show us. Turn it into a a mini-movie so we can see, too.


message 5: by Síofra (new)

Síofra | 10 comments I really like this, because I think I've personally felt that way before... Is it as though the speaker wants to observe themselves as someone else, so the constant critiquing isn't so personal? Or that they want to look with new eyes upon themselves?

Just what I took from it. I do love it though.


message 6: by Doug (new)

Doug | 1197 comments You wrote so much to say, "nobody cares I'm in loss" I think it rambles. Can you shorten it?


message 7: by Síofra (new)

Síofra | 10 comments Why would you shorten it? (not to start an argument, this is just opinion...) Poetry often rambles, it is not necessarily concise...


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